Lainey's world (part two)

Hmmmph!

2012-01-24T16:26:00.002Z

Now they've postponed my operation!! I've been waiting since September!! I'm not happy! They are going to look into it! I told them I have a disabled child and I have to make provision for him. They said to ring back on Thursday as she will have a word with my consultant! I'm really fed up!

Thank you

2012-01-24T08:26:00.002Z

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments.

He's calmer today. He won't go to the doctors. He says, I've been here before, I know what to do. He did cut down his work load. I was a bit naughty, I phoned his work partner and he's been brilliant to John. We went out to our local for lunch. We were out for two hours. I couldn't stop crying yesterday, it frightened me so so much. I wish he would go to the doctors but he won't!

Scared

2012-01-23T08:14:00.002Z

I'm scared.

I held John this morning while he shook and cried. He thought about all the work he has to do today and he can't cope. He's got to that edge and he's started to fall. He won't let me help him. He won't talk about it. If I try to talk to him it makes him worse. Im not good myself so it's not good. He said he's going to calm down with work today.

I want to scream at him to stop, I'm not I'm leaving him alone as he asks. It's hard, really hard.

Sunday

2012-01-22T23:23:00.002Z

I was looking back over my journals tonight, wow! It's good to read back sometimes. It shows you how much things change, so quickly. I was reading bits out to John.

John is very very low at the moment. He is actually on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. His work is far too much for him at the moment. It just never lets up. No matter how much he tells them he can't do it all, they just say, 'oh ok' then give him more. I told John's mum and dad today how ill John is. I knew John didn't want me too but his dad was glad I told him John's dad told John to give up tomorrow. He said if its money he's worried about that he would pay our mortgage until we were straight. It made John cry, he had to walk out the room. He cried because deep down he know he has to do something about it, he cried because his dad was so nice to him. John's Dad is just so so lovely, supportive and kind. He gave me a smile, as if to say, don't worry Laine, things will be ok. John was glad that I'd told his Dad.

I've got lots of meetings this week, mostly all to do with Patrick. But, tomorrow morning it's for me. I'm going to a volunteers group at a learning organisation I used to belong to. I'm quite nervous as I've not been part of it for about two years. I'm going to volunteer to help at an art class on a Thursday morning. It's something I can do thats for me and will get me out of the house.

Right, I'll write more in the week.

Ciao xxx

Tuesday

2012-01-17T23:13:00.002Z

Sara Sara, thanks for thinking of me.

I do feel better. II was a bit down. I'm on an up day today. I have FISS coming tomorrow. So the ball will start rolling for professional outside help with Patrick. FISS stands for Family Intensive Support Service. The two ladies that are coming sound really nice. My social worker and Patrick's Social Worker couldn't make it so I'm on my own. I just hope at say all the right things so that we do get help from this service.

I've started to fill out my first ever tax return. Very scary! There is just one bit I need to ring them about and then I'm done. For the next tax year I'm going to get an accountant as it will get more complicated. This one was quite easy as I could just use my P60.

I'm feeling very fat at the moment. I've slowly put on about 3 stone since I've been on various medications. I need to sort out a diet. I just sat and ate loads of choccie digestives. I'm eating all the wrong foods! It's just getting motivated to do it! I've never ever, not even when I was pregnant, been this heavy before! never!!!! I'm middle aged and fat! :(

What was I going to tell you? I can't remember, was it that Sam's in a panto that starts this Thursday, was it that Joe wants me to dye his hair black and we bought the hair dye in Tesco tonight. Oooooh I remember, it was that I phoned the hospital about my operation date and it might be moved from 14th Feb as the management are changing the way they prioritise appointments for operations. If you can manage day to day and not considered urgent then you may have to wait longer. I really hope they don't change my appointment, I'm geared up psychologically! I just want it done. I'm to keep phoning to check! The consultant's secretary said it makes her mad that management sit up in their office and decide these things then leaves it for her to deal with having to tell all the patients. She said that all her patients waiting for ops at end of January are still going ahead as scheduled but she can't be sure that my date will go unchanged.

Meh!!!!

Sunday

2012-01-15T20:44:00.002Z

Today didn't start off good. I had the most painful stomach cramps. I get them now and then. I can't do anything but just lay in pain. John got quite worried.

I can't cope today. I can't cope with Patrick. He won't do as he is told. He's annoying and I haven't got the energy. He's such hard work when you feel low. It's on these days that I question myself as to how long I can go on looking after him. We have a meeting with our agency tomorrow to talk about our future with Patrick, respite, what will happen when I have my operation.

I just feel low today! :(

Phew!!!

2012-01-13T18:42:00.001Z

Joe's ex not pregnant! Phew!

Going to see Joe in his gig tonight. He's very excited! A big pub in Hastings! Lol I know Hastings! But he has to start somewhere.

Thank you for all your comments.

Will write more laters xxxxxciao!!!

Thursday late

2012-01-13T00:09:00.002Z

It very late ten past midnight Thursday night or should I say Friday morning.

I'm not sleeping very well. My sciatica is bad enough, but my restless leg are getting much worse. I wonder if it's all the medications? With the amount I take at night I should be zonked and I'm not. Quite a worry really. If it carries on I'll go to the doctors again.

I've been downloading Ebooks. Just downloaded one that's called Before I Go to Sleep. It's started off quite well. I haven't actually got into a book for ages. I'm hoping I can stick with this one. I'm still not sure about these eBooks though. I really do love holding the real thing. It's not the same turning the pages on an iPad.

I could scream I'm so tired! Physically my legs won't stop moving but my mind is so so tired!

Have a good weekend all.

Tuesday

2012-01-10T23:11:00.003Z

I've had a very strange day today.

I stayed in bed nearly all day. I was up most of the night, even though I'd taken amitriptalyne, they are sposed to zonk you out. Anyway, I was zonked out in the morning so once all the kids had gone I got back into bed and just slept. I slept really well, in fact I enjoyed dozing on and off. I got up about 1.30, showered and went to pick up Patrick.

John has had a very stressful day, he's struggling with work. It's hard for him doing such long hours and as he is general manager he has so many demands on him. There are also two nasty women in the office who try to make John's life hell. John is trying is best to keep afloat jobs of like £40,000 and they are bothering with tiny invoices that haven't been filed properly, etc. His boss called him today and said that the girls in the office say blah, blah and John just hit the roof, he's had enough! He was shaking when he rang me. He really is on the edge and I'm so worried about him.

When John got home we went out for a bite to eat and a chat. Sam looked after Patrick. It did John good to chat and he was able to clear his mind a bit. But, he is thinking of handing his notice in and joining me in the fostering world. He had told his boss he had had enough and his boss was scared and said, you can't leave! Trouble is they have no one else to do John's job! Well we will see what happens.

Our Patrick is a little darling, even though he has special needs he still notices a lot. Don't underestimate a child with special needs, it doesn't mean they are stupid! He overheard John and I talking. He went up to John, gave him a hug and said, 'be happy!' I burst into tears, how the little boy touches my soul. He then ran upstairs and brought me some tissues and said 'there are Laine, I'll look after you'. Bless him! Such a darling.

I'm having my hair done tomorrow! Yay! A bit of me time! I love going to the hairdressers. At least I have something to do tomorrow, it will get me out of bed. I find it hard when I've nothing to do. I can never get motivated.

Thank you Joany Joan for our chat this evening. Xxxx

Monday

2012-01-09T19:18:00.002Z

Quite a productive day today. I've got a lot of things done.

I told John about the possibility of Joe's ex being pregnant. He didn't really say alot as he was getting ready for work. I told Sam, with Joe's permission, and Sam was much the same as me, we cant really think about it until we know if she is or not.

I spoke to the Chrysalis lady, she has made sure that we meet on Thursday at the school so that we can discuss the next steps with Patrick. It feels like I'm getting support now. My FISS (Family Intensive Support Service) forms went in today, so I will be getting their help soon too. It makes it so much better when you know your going to get help.

Oh nooooooo I just deleted' twice!!!! Grrrrrrr I give up now! :(

Oh!

2012-01-08T23:27:00.003Z

Ok, so my sixteen year old comes over and sits on the sofa. Mum, I have something to tell you, my ex-girlfriend may be pregnant! Well I didn't expect that.

I stayed calm, and said, don't worry joe, she probably is just saying that to get you back. He says, well she feels sick and her tummy feels hard. I say, don't worry Joe, she's probably just got a bug.

My poor Joe is beside himself. He's so so scared. He said he used protection and they only did it once. I tried to reassure him then that she's more than likely not pregnant. She may be making it up.

I'm hoping and praying, for Joe's sake that she's not. If she is, I'm gonna support them all I can. What else is there to do.

Kids!

Sunday

2012-01-08T18:47:00.003Z

Hello all,

I went to the Doctors yesterday as I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. It's all down to my sciatica mixed with restless legs and anxiety. My anxiety has calmed down a lot since we had our respite, we really needed that. Patrick's s lovely boy but he's full on and hardwork. We are hopefully going to have respite once a month. I was very very low before Christmas, I was almost tempted to go and ask for my meds to be upped. Anyway, yesterday the Doctor gave me Amitryptraline, to help me sleep. I'm also on pregablin and citalopram. I'll be rattling soon! I really did sleep well last night. Thank goodness.

I can't wait for my operation to be here and over with. I want to get better and have a better life style. I'm really lazy and fat at the moment. I know it's down to lack of sleep. If I could get fitter and eat less I'd be much better but I haven't the motivation at the mo! I'm at my highest weight I've ever been in my life! Yikes! I'm two and a half stone over weight!!! That's just not me! I've always been a skinny mortal. I just love my food too much!

I've been thinking of new year resolutions, one of them should be to lose weight, I want to read more, do my blogging, meet a very special friend for the first time, walk more, eat less chocolate, keep organised and be happy. Oh and I want to try come off my anti-depressants too. Oh and do more crafts, make my owl cushions again.

Thanks for listening!
Xxxxxxx

Saturday

2012-01-07T17:02:00.002Z

Awwwwww, thank you for your welcome back messages and your support. All of you.

Heather, thank you for that information, that might be what he's doing. I'm now in touch with an organisation that specialise in sexual behaviour and children with severe learning difficulties.

Lynda, I might start making them owls again. I haven't done any for ages. There are only four people in the world that own one of my owls and your one of them! They are sold in a lot of shops here. By the time I get round to making them again they'll be out of fashion! Lol

Sara Sara, I bought you a pressie today. I saw it and just had to get it for you. It's only little but it was made for you! Can you email me your address again. I did have it written down somewhere but John's been tidying up and shifting my stuff everywhere lol!

I'm on an iPad now and finding it hard to use it for blogger. I did download an App, it lets you compose your blog but doesn't let you look at comments on it. Bit strange. I don't really want to change my blog provider! Any recommendations?

Mr P has been a little star. He had 6 teeth out yesterday and he is doing so well. He's been on soft foods today. So he doesn't unblock the clots that have formed on the holes in his mouth. He woke up with his pillow covered in blood this morning but he didn't complain one bit. At the moment he is sitting at the dining room take doing some colouring. He would never have done this on his own when we first got him. It's so nice to see him do things in his own.

Right this blogger thing is not working properly so I'll log off now and I'll write again tomorrow. Thank you Sara Sara for bringing bloggy people back to me! You've inspired me to write again. I'm giggling because it originally said boggy people! That's my iPad for you! Keeps correcting me!

Love Lainey xxxxx

Fostering and Mr P

2012-01-07T01:06:00.001Z

Well, Sara Sara! See you've inspired me to write again!

For those who don't know, I'm a foster carer now. I didn't know whether to start a new blog or keep this one. Might as well keep this one as its already set up. It's still my world after all.

I'm in iPhone blogger App. So I'm feeling my way round. Not sure how I make this private. Think I need to do that as I want to share my experiences with fostering to only the few that I trust, not the whole world.

So, we've been fostering out Mr P for 7 months now, 7 months on the 9th actually! He's a lovely, lovely boy. He's hard work though. We are more than just fostering him, we are his carers too. He has severe learning difficulties, he'll never be able to look after himself, he has global development delay, ADHD and mild autism. He does have problems with his sexualised behaviour, he is all mixed up and often makes a mess at night in the bathroom or his room with soiling, all connected with his sexual behaviour. We've had highs and lows. Just before Christmas I was considering giving my notice as its do hard to cope with the sleepless nights and the mess he creates. It kind of escalated just before Christmas and over Christmas. I'm thinking that he couldn't cope with Christmas as he'd never had a Christmas at home and didn't really understand what was going on. Bless him.

Over the new year, for four nights, we got much needed respite and Mr P went to a couple who'd been fostering for 11 years. They said that although he is a lovely boy they wouldn't have him again because they couldn't cope! John and I were so pleased to have him back. We had reenergised and felt refreshed, we missed him so much. It's very very hard. We have to decide if we can care for him until he's 18. Mr P went for surgery today, he had to have 6 teeth extracted under a general. Poor little mite. He was so brave. I felt like I was his real mummy! I cried when he went into theatre. If he hadn't been neglected so badly then he wouldn't have had to suffer like that. His mum and dad love him dearly, they just don't know whats right.

My boys are amazing. They love Patrick and they are very supportive. Couldn't do it without them.

I call him Mr P to save his identity. It's very difficult writing about LAC as they are very vulnerable. I have to be careful.

I hope I have some readers left!

Lainey xxxxx

Monday

2010-12-20T10:22:00.002Z

OOOH its a whole week since I wrote, I'm so sorry! I didnt even realise its been that long.

I'm doing ok! I went to the Doctors on Friday and she said she was really pleased with my progress, she said she had been very worried about me and she was going to try me with counselling but she is going to leave that for now as she is so pleased with my fast progress. She suggested a phased return back to work. So I wont be going back full-time straight away, in fact I probably wont do full-time ever again.

The school sent me a wonderful DVD of their nativity, it was so so sweet and I realised how much I miss them kids. My class also sent me a huge get well soon card, they had all signed with little faces on of themselves. I've got a few pressies from them too.

The snow is really getting to me now, our main roads are ok, but our little road is iced over really bad and none of the cars can get out, except the 4x4s grrr! I'm so worried as I havent finished christmas shopping yet, I need more food! We are supposed to be getting more snow today too. I think I will have a walk up to Tesco later and get as much as I can carry. My neighbour said that if we cant get our Christmas food and our kids cant get here (John's kids) then we will go to her for christmas dinner! How lovely!

Monday

2010-12-13T23:29:00.002Z

I've been off work nearly a month now. I got a letter today from East Sussex County Council, who are my employer, they said that I will get full pay up until 12th January and then after that it will go to half pay. So that's good news! I won't be going back full time, I will prob ask if I can just do mornings or just three days. Anyway, that's next year!

My mood has been lifted somewhat. I'm still not right yet though. Just little things tell me that. My anxiety is no where near as bad as it was, it doesnt hurt so much now, it's still horrible when I get it but not as fierce.

The pain in my foot though, that is driving me mad. It's not so constant as it was the last few days. I mean from Wednesday to Sunday it was constant, there was no reprieve, then yesterday afternoon the pain just stopped! Just like that! But it came back again in the night. I hardly had any sleep. Then it was gone by the morning and it has been gone most of the day, so I can only guess then that its getting better.

I took the boys to school this morning and then when I got home I went back to bed and slept there til 1pm! I was just so so tired. But, here I am sat in bed and the pain is back again with a vengance.

I phoned the hospital to see when Im going to have the spinal probe and Ive got to wait til Feb 22nd, typical that its the boys appointment in London that day too. So I'll have to change their appointment which is a nuisance but I can't stand this pain. Not sure I can wait that long anyway. Because its a nerve pain its hard to rest it, or massage it, or even put warmth on it. It won't respond to anything, not even painkillers.

John is away tonight. He had to go to Manchester.

Cant write anymore because of the pain, will write again tomorrow. xx

Sunday

2010-12-12T17:04:00.002Z

OOOOPS sorry to Stuart about the feet, no more feet pictures I promise!

Sara Sara your room is ready and waiting and I have a special story book just for you!

I've been doing really well, I've had a better mood and been feeling a lot happier but then I've been in pain for about 4 days with my sciatica and it's taken its toll on me today. Not being able to sleep and being in pain is horrible. Because its a nerve pain I can't soothe it with warmth or anything it just stays there no matter what I do. I am so so tired, a horrible tiredness that makes me feel sick and dizzy. I tried to sleep it off most of the day and then about 2.30 we went in to town. It seems miraculously that the pain has disappeared since we've been to town. It does this, I have periods of where it will hurt like mad for days then suddenly calm down. I just hope it stays away long enough for me to sleep tonight.

Joe is at a concert tonight with my friend, he is seeing Bullet For My Valentine (please don't ask, not my kind of music). Anyway, he was so so excited but its at Wembley Arena so he will be very late back, probably about 1.00am. So I will have to wait up for him. So good of my friend to take him but she doesnt mind the music, if you can call it music that is.

We have the social worker coming on Tuesday to interrogate us further. John is worried about me being off work. I told him not to worry as Im getting better every day. He's not sure if we should tell her or not. He really is worrying quite a lot but he is so so tired and so busy. Tomorrow he has to go to Leatherhead, then to Southend and then to Manchester all in one day. He will stay over night in Manchester. I think that is too much for him in one day. He's been doing work all day today too to catch up as he needs stuff done by 9am tomorrow morning. It's so hard seeing him so stressed and tired.

Quite a lot happening next week, we get our new oven on Wednesday, ordered it yesterday, our oven really is on its way out and we thought that it would be nice to have a new one for Christmas. I'm excited about that arriving. I've got tons of Christmas shopping to do and parcels to post off. Cards to write and send. Having my hair done on Thursday, Oscar has to go to the vets for his check-up and my friend's baby is one year old on Saturday but I'm going to her little party on Friday. That will be nice. She same birthday as you Sara Sara! ;0) It all feels like a lot of stuff and I wonder how I'll get it all done. We also have to get a lot of paperwork together for the social worker.

OOOOh and guess what I read a book from start to finish, started it yesterday and finished it today. I'm so pleased with myself as I've not read a book for ages and ages! :0)

Wednesday

2010-12-08T22:21:00.002Z

Not feeling so good tonight, didnt feel bad all day but this evening I got low again. The trouble is when you feel on a high its a hard fall back down again when you feel low.

I had quite a good day, met up with my friend Tania and her baby Belle (who is a year old next week!) and we went to visit her mum who fed us and gave us tea.

We had a late dinner as the physio came to see Oscar and she took longer than I thought. He is doing really well bless him.

John didn't get home til really, really late and he was very very tired. He has to drive 2 and a half hours to work, do a 9-5 day then drive the same back again. Its not good as he has to do it again tomorrow and then tomorrow evening has to have a christmas social with his work colleagues which he is not looking forward to. Of course he can't drink as he is driving.

We sort of had a bit of a bicker at each other, he was tired and I was fed up with being in pain. Also I find it hard to sympathise when Im low myself. Not a good combination. I can feel myself getting better though, I did have a much better day today just feeling low tonight and I think that's because I'm worried about John.

I'm thinking of emailing work tomorrow to ask if it's possible to just work mornings, I am only contracted for just mornings but I do extra hours in the afternoons. I think I won't be able to cope with all day straight away, even though I only do all day three days a week.

To answer your question Sara Sara, I think we would prefer little ones from baby to about age ten/twelve I think. Not sure we could have another teenager in the house with two here already. I really would like a younger child around the house again. I don't think we will actually get a placement til about April time, that gives me time to get better and also the weather will be much nicer and trips out will be easier!

Tuesday

2010-12-07T22:37:00.002Z

Today I didn't get up early and I didn't have a shower and I was slow, but I had alot of pain last night. My pain has come back! With a vengeance. Just when I think I'm getting better!

I managed to get up about 10.30. John is so good, he doesn't mind and he takes the boys to school/college. Tomorrow though he is not here so Ive got to do it. So it means getting up at 6.50 and doing the school run.

Sam didn't have to be at college til 1.00pm today so John suggested we took him and went into town for a coffee. I had to be ready by 12.30. I just about made it! I nearly didn't wash my hair but I made myself, oh I felt so much better for doing that. Even though I just had a wash instead of a shower at least my hair was nice!

I feel alot calmer though. Like as if I'm at peace with myself. There is no pressure though, no work, the boys are being good and John seems to be understanding. I wonder if that's just the tablets starting to work or that everything is a bit better. John is low though, and that makes me feel anxious. He is worried about work. He isn't getting any orders in and his boss keeps moaning at him. He really doesn't like his job. I feel helpless. I hate seeing him so low. But, then he snaps out of it as quick as he gets into it. When I'm low I'm low for like forever!

The social worker came at 6.00. Her name is Nikki. She was really nice. She commented on how polite the boys were and that usually teenagers weren't so polite. I did say to her that that is how they are all the time, they weren't putting it on. It made me feel proud of them. I am proud of them, despite what they've been up to lately. Actually, they are showing me a lot of love lately, I'm getting loads of cuddles off of both of them which is really nice. She nearly fell of her chair with disbelief when Sam gave me a cuddle before he went out. She said her teenage boys don't come near her!

She asked us about our background, both John and I. We are so different. I mean dare I say about classes but this is the only way to describe it. John brought up middle class in a nice house, his Dad had a well paid job as a manager in a superstore (Co-op) and his mum stayed at home and never had to work and John went to a Grammar school. Whereas, me brought up in a council house, my mum and dad both had to work, in a factory, we didn't have much really and I went to a comprehensive school that really should have been closed down it was so appalling, in fact I'm sure it has given me and my brother nightmares for life! So both come from different backgrounds but that's what makes us interesting to each other! John's life though is so straight forward and mine is so complicated. He has no skeletons, I have many! I'm sure I'll tell her about those in time. I think John has led a rather sheltered life though and I'm not sure he realises how challenging some of these children will be. Still, that is what Nikki is coming to see us for to alert us of what these children could be like and the problems they will bring.

She was with us for two hours and she is coming back next Tuesday at 6! She will visit us about 6-8 times. Apparently she has been asked to get us to panel by the end of February. All the time I was thinking I hope its quick so I don't have to go back to work.

But, I must tell you all, I have tidied my bedroom up and oh does it make me feel better! My room was a shambles, everything was everywhere, but I just didn't care. I'm glad I did it! Another job done!

Monday

2010-12-06T22:38:00.002Z

Awwwwww thank you so much for all your comments.

Thank you Jane for the website address. I'll check that out.

Yes, you are right those of you who say don't write to my work colleagues. I think I was thinking crazy thoughts there. I don't want them to know all the ins and outs and I won't be long there anyway.

Delores!!! Its so good to see you again! I have missed you! Thank you for your comments and I think you are very right in everything you say.

I had a bit of a slow start to the day. I didnt want to get up, I'd had a real bad night of pain. The sciatica is hitting with a vengence at the moment, so I think I'm getting used to those meds that are supposed to be calming it down. Yep, I'm on two lots of meds now! One for my sciatica, that is also used to treat anxiety, and one for me state of mind! Soon I'll be rattling! I'm not giving up on them, I'm staying with them.

Anyway, I did get up about 9.30 as I was due to go into town with my neighbour, Sally. I really didnt want to go. But John said that I should. I really, really didnt want to go! But I made myself get up, get dressed. I had a wash and I went. It was ok, I actually enjoyed myself. It was good to get out with Sally and have a chat. Of course we went to Costa! yum! So I had a Costa brekkie today!

When I got home John wasnt in so I went straight upstairs to tackle the spare room, which looks like a huge laundry room. Well I did some ironing and I tidied up and the room looks so much better for it. I felt better for it too.

My friend from work popped by and took me to the Doctors to get my sick note and then she took it away so it could be taken into work. Jane is lovely and so supportive. Do you know she is the only one from work that comes to see me and apart from Pat, who has phoned, is the only one in touch. The teacher that I work for hasnt even phoned me, not once!

I don't want to ever go back to work. But I know I will have to one day. But Ive got to stop thinking about that as it does my head in and makes me worry. Ive got to stop worrying!

We have our Assessor coming tomorrow to start our Form F for the fostering. I'm going to tell her everything that has gone on lately and how I'm feeling. We have to be honest! My Doctor said that I am more than fit and ready to do this. She said that she can see that Im intelligent and sensible and that Im doing all the right things to help me get better.

I felt uplifted after the Assessor had rung, her name is Nikki and she is our Assessing Social Worker. She sounded so nice. This is something I want to do more than anything in the world because the best job in the world is being a mum! What more could I want. I wont be stuck in a school having to make the kids stick to the rules. Of couse I will have rules in my house but we can have fun. Fun when we want to. I can read bedtime stories again! Bathtimes again! Zoo trips again! Lego building! Oh I cant wait, and nor can John.

Smiley face!

Saturday

2010-12-04T16:02:00.002Z

I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!

Friday

2010-12-03T09:56:00.002Z

I spoke to my Doctor on the phone this morning and she has signed me off for another two weeks, that means I wont be back to work til after Christmas. That means I have another 4 weeks to get myself together. Hopefully my tablets will help.

I texted my boss and he said that I will have to have a meeting with him but nothing to worry about, he wished me well and said he was looking forward to seeing me again. Its good that I will have a meeting with him before I go back because then I can tell him how I feel about certain things, its no good me going back and things are still the same.

Ive got to try change a few things, I've got to get myself up in the mornings and shower and get dressed instead of sitting around in my pyjamas. Ive got to start doing a few more jobs round the house. All I do is sit on the sofa doing nothing really!

John is being understanding (thank you Stuart for your offer but I don't think I need your help just yet, I might do though) he is asking me how I am and showing his sympathy. I think it did him good to read up on depression.

Its been hard to get myself motivated with everyone about in the house, as its been snowing and we are snowed in, everyone is under my feet. Where I would of probably started doing a few jobs I find myself not wanting to with everyone here. John starts busying around and I feel guilty. I just cant get motivated! Its a strange battle that goes on in my head, one part says do jobs the other says cant be bothered.

I must wash my hair today!

Snow Day

2010-12-01T11:58:00.003Z

Well its a snow day here today like everywhere else in the country. It's quite nice having everyone here but I'm not getting my quiet time and me time like I wanted.

I feel really sleepy, I think its the new tablets, I feel like going back to bed for a snooze. I might do that. The Doctor said that for the first few days I might feel a bit strange and I might have more anxiety than normal. I did have quite bad anxiety last night. It really hurt my chest.

When I eventually got to sleep last night I did sleep well. I didn't wake up. Thank goodness.

Last night I got a really long text from my step-daughter. I emailed her yesterday telling her all about me being ill and all about what my boys have been up to. I hadn't told her before as she was looking forward to a trip to New York and didn't want to spoil her excitement. Thank goodness for her though, she is really sympathetic and has said some very kind and warming words to me. She wants to try come down see me tomorrow so we can talk, but I think the snow will put a stop to that. She is being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have her. She also told me she loved me lots, that's lovely to hear.

Because I neglected myself a lot lately, especially my feet! Feet just get on my nerves. Well I haven't been moisturising my feet and I've really just let them get so dry. Well my left foot, which is my bad sciatica one which is numb in places, Ive let the skin get so dry it has cracked really bad. So bad I cant walk on it. My own fault! I need to pay my body more attention and moisturise every day!

I did send John a link about depression and he read it. I told him I was sending it to him and he said that was good as he needs to understand. When he had read it he just turned to me and held me. That's all he could do really but that's what I need.

It looks like the snow is here to stay, it has snowed all night and still snowing now.

Joe's birthday.

2010-11-30T08:19:00.002Z

Well my Joe is 15 today, makes me feel old. It felt funny as we had already bought him his present, a guitar, a little while back and any money he received he actually owed to us. But thats what he wanted so he was happy.

Quite an eventful day yesterday. I had lots of jobs to do, post office, Tesco and tidying up. It all felt a bit daunting. And, I had the Doctors first thing. Joe had the day off school, inset day. So he came with me. I did the post office first and that was easy. Tesco on the other hand was a nightmare, when we got there I'd forgotten my prescription so we had to go back home and get that. Getting the shopping in the trolley was ok, Joe and I went round slowly. Joe got irritated by me when I couldnt find stuff and it was right in front of me. I do still get a little panicky in there. I hate it! At the tills it was a nightmare. When it was our turn the girl said 'sorry no carrier bags' typical that I'd forgotten my own bags. I just stood there and stared at her. I had loads of shopping, how was we going to manage. She said, 'you can have a bag for life for 10p', I just continued to stare at her. She then said you can have two for 10p. So then I said 'well that will have to be then. I bought two and when the two were full I started to panic coz all that was left then were tiny little Tesco bags, why the hell did Tesco run out of bags? Probably not a problem to most people but I was really getting stressed by now, I was getting hot and the girl just kept pushing stuff through, I then said quite abruptly, 'if you go slower I can cope!' - 'I cant cope if you keep chucking it at me, and I have no more bags'. She wasnt very happy and not at all patient. Anyway I bought more bag for life bags. But I wasnt happy and it was so so stressful. Im not doing that again for a while.

Least we are no ok incase it snows bad.

Then I got home and I'd forgotten my tablets! So I had to go back to Tesco again to pick them up. I keep forgetting stuff, all the time!

John came home about seven, he was very very tired. I told him all about my Doctor visit and he didnt really react much. I then said to him quite abruptly, 'look I'm depressed' thats why Ive got the tablets. The kids were there at this moment. I said to them all, please have patience with me, Im not well and the Doctor is helping me. They all just look at me. They dont really know what to say. I got big anxiety attack then as John was really moody and I didnt feel he cared what I was saying. He said 'whats up now, you were ok just now'. I tried to explain it to him and he said that he was sorry, he had had a very bad day and was very very tired.

Then, we had a text from Joe's Dad to say that when Joe was very low at the weekend he had said to his Dad that he never does anything on his birthday. I showed John the text and it was like lighting a fuse to a bomb, John went mad! It's hurtful. I was very cross too. Every year we ask Joe what he would like to do for his birthday and he says can he have friends round and we do. We do a big tea and a cake and his friends all come round. He had said that every year Sam goes out for a meal, yes thats because thats what Sam likes to do, he doesnt have friends round, also Joe hates restaurants and never wants to eat out! Unbelievable arent they kids!!

Still we woke up this morning and celebrated Joe's birthday all sitting on my bed opening his cards. He seemed very happy this morning. It will be interesting what happens today as its his first day back and he will probably see Paige. Cant stop him seeing her at school.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a film on my iphone, shrek, I listened to an audio book, I read another book, I massaged my legs, I took painkillers, I just could not sleep. I eventually dropped off about 4.30. I think I may go back to sleep this morning for a nap.

Oscar

2010-11-29T10:00:00.003Z

I was about to start writing today and this fella sat looking at me. So I thought I'd take a picture of him and show you. He is my constant companion. He listens and never answers back. He loves me unconditionally, well maybe he needs a walk and food, but mostly unconditionally. He understands when Im sad and he rests his head on my knee to let me know he is there. Hes been so brave having a huge operation and getting over it so well. I love my dog!

I went to the Docs this morning. I rang them from bed at 8.30 and they said there was an appointment at 9.10!!!! Well Ive never got ready so quick, did me good really as I would have just laid in bed all morning otherwise. She has given me anti-depressants, I told her everything. She told me that she specialises in Mental Health, so I have the right Doctor. She said she was proud of me of how I have dealt with the last week but it had obviously knocked me back. She said it took huge courage to go back to her today. I only went coz people nagged me to go. Im so glad I saw her though. I have to phone her on Friday and she will sign me off for another two weeks. My meds may take a couple of weeks to work and they might make me more anxious in the first few days of taking them.

I've got to get to Tesco to put the prescription in, I need to do some shopping but not sure if I can do it on my own. I might take Joe with me as he has the day off today. I really cant face it on my own. I also need to go to the post office as Ive sold a book on Amazon. Its quite alot for me to think about doing in one day. I think I will do the post office first then while Im in Tesco I havent got that to worry about. I worry about where Im going to park and whether there will be a queue or whether I'll see someone I know, I dont like seeing people out at the moment, I dont know why! One step at a time.

Thank you

2010-11-28T13:41:00.002Z

Thank you so so much for all your comments yesterday, I have taken on board everything all of you have said. They all make very good sense. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. I might not have met you all but you really don't know how much I value all your opinions, I do think of you all very highly. Thank you, I'm sending my love and hugs to every one of you.

I've chatted with Paige's mum on the phone. I was shaking when I called her. But, everything was fine, she is calm now and so is her Dad. They didnt want me to send them the letters, they said just bin them. Of course, we are going to keep them. I said that I was scared of what might happen to Joe, she said not to worry and everything is fine. She said that she will deal with Paige. She also said thank you very much for letting her know. She said that one day may be, when they are older they could be together but for now they are much too young. I agreed. You won't believe the relief that this gave me, I'm still shaking from it now as I type this to you all. When I came off the phone I cried and cried, John held me and said how proud of me he was.

John and I had a big heart to heart this morning. It did us good to talk. We went for coffee in town and John agreed that I should go back to the Doctor tomorrow morning. He said how he had been feeling and I said how I had been feeling. We had lots of cuddles and we are going to work together. We had grown apart this last week and thats not good. (I agree with you Lynn, he has been suffering too and I couldnt see that!) I told John Im going to go on anti-depressants tomorrow and he said that he is worried it will affect the fostering. The fostering wont be for months yet and I know that we will be very good at it. We have got through a very difficult week and the Doctor had told me I needed meds and I got through it without them! Ive been hard on myself, but no more.

I feel more positive about the future. I have talked to Sam in depth, I'm working with him. Both my boys are good boys, we are just going through teenage stages.

John has problems with his 18 year old, James, James is on drugs and drinking and not working and being abusive to his mum. His mum talked to John on Friday and she is going to kick him out after Christmas. We dont blame her, he is nearly 19 and he has had so many chances of work but he turns them down. She has tried hard with him but he just wallows in his room all day, goes out at night, gets drunk and is abusive to her. He never pays her anything for his keep. He doesnt talk to John about it. We dont blame her for wanting to chuck him out.

I feel more positive today, the first thing I will do tomorrow is see the Doctor and tell her everything. I WILL go on them meds!

I finished Professor Layton last night! Now what am I going to do with my time. I'm going to try start reading again this week, even if its a little at a time. I'm going to make sure I take Oscar out every day. John said I should set myself a little task at a time and do them. I will.

Thank you again my lovely people.

can't snap out of it

2010-11-27T11:48:00.003Z

I feel very low this morning, very low.

The morning started with John and I discussing the letters that Paige has sent to Joe. John had read them before I got up. We talked about the fact that we think Paige's parents should see the letters. John repeated how scared he is of this bloke coming round and breaking our legs. We have decided to tell Joe we have got letters but he is not to see them and explain to Joe what will happen if he makes contact with Joe. We then thought what about if Paige then gets upset with Joe and makes up stories to his Dad about Joe to get her own back. We don't know! So if we can find out their postal address from Joe we will post the letters to her Mum.

Then what I thought would be a nice relaxed morning turned into a nightmare for me. When John opened the fridge to get the milk out there was milk everywhere as the bottle had leaked. I got really cross and snappy with John about it and I actually treated him like he was a kid. When he tried to tidy up I snatched stuff away from him and said he wasn't doing it properly.

We then sat down for coffee and caught up with Emmerdale. John started talking about what tiles we should have for the bathroom and I paused the Emmerdale and said quite bluntly are we watching Emmerdale or discussing bathroom. I can't do both! So he shut up and we continued watching.

We usually go to Costa on a Saturday morning but John wants to suddenly start doing all the jobs that need doing in the house. Something I cant be doing with! He has said for years he will do stuff and has never got round to it. Now, suddenly he wants to do it this weekend.

I went up to get ready with the idea in my head that I would help John and go with him to B&Q and everything would be good. I was just finishing getting ready and he shouts up the stairs 'right Laine Chris and I are going up the tip now and then going to B&Q'. I immediately feel sorry for myself and want to cry. John comes up the stairs and says, 'what is wrong with you, you've been fine these last couple of days' I said ' I don't know whats wrong with me, I just feel really down'. So he said 'why don't you come with me and Chris' so I say 'I don't know if I want to come or not'. So he then said to me ' You've got to snap out of this now.' So I said 'I cant just snap out of it, you don't understand'. He said 'Well I don't know what to do anymore' and he left the house in a mood.

I cried and cried and cried. I don't want to be like this, I don't know why my moods suddenly change, I don't know why I make things hard for myself. If I knew I would do something about it. I feel sick. I feel unwanted, I feel that everything John is doing today is more important than me, I just want him to hold me and tell me things will be ok. Why the hell am I being so bloody stupid. Im ruining everything. Im making John feel low. Its all my fault! Im scared to show my feelings. I cry on my own. Because I dont want to worry anyone. No-one helps me.

Im going to phone the doctor first thing Monday morning. I need to see her again. Ill go on the anti-depressants and I wont tell anyone. Ill deal with this on my own. I have to. John has lost his patience with me now. I dont blame him. I'm just a miserable silly cow that wants her own way all the time.

Friday

2010-11-26T15:53:00.004Z

Thank you for all your comments, I have been in constant contact with Sam today and he has said that his friends are going to help him give up smoking. Jane I think I made it sound like Sam is always out clubbing, he's not, he went to a gig last night at the Brighton Centre which he had had tickets for for his birthday, he went with a friend and his friend's Dad took them. He said he met someone at the gig who gave him the weed. He's not on drugs, at this moment in time I think he has only tried weed once and that was last night. I told him how stupid he was to take it off a stranger as it could be laced with anything! Sam only gets ten pounds a week, he was feeding his habit of smoking before by stealing out of my purse, which we found out recently.

Anyway, update on my youngest son Joe. He has gone to stay with his Dad for the weekend, not sure if I mentioned that! But I thought he could do with time with his Dad to try get over his broken heart. But ..... I got home today after a nice lunch out with my friend and on the door mat is a very bulky letter for Joe, hand delivered. I've opened it. It's Paige, she must have written him about three letters per day this week in the hope that she would see him at school but of course I kept him off school. They are such sad letters saying how much she loves him, saying that if she cant see him anymore she will put a gun to her head! She said she is sorry she put all the blame on him, she said that her Dad had beaten her, she has a bruise on her face and arm where he punched her! :0( She said that her parents are allowing her to see Joe at school and thats it. She says that they can get through it, he is her life and without him her life is not worth living. She said that when he smiles at her, her heart melts. It goes on and on its such deep writing for a 13 year old and oh so sad, it made me cry. I feel for her so so much. But we cant risk Joe seeing her, not with the violent Father she has.

I dont feel that Joe is safe even talking to her when her Dad is that violent. John said we must not let Joe see the letters or let Joe have anything to do with her. John said that when the Dad was on the phone to him the other night he gave John very violent threats, so violent that we would probably end up dead, all of us. That's what he was threatening. John said he hasnt told me the half of what he said. If he is prepared to punch his own daughter what the hell would he do to us? Its all too scary.

John is really low, he said he can't take anymore and he said he is worried about me on top of it all. He said that I life could be ruined by one violent man if Joe so much as looks at Paige. What do we do? Do I tell the Police? Was it just in his anger that this man said all these things. Would he really come and tear us limb from limb and make sure we were all dead! Did he really mean it?

Do I ring the Mother and please with her not to let her husband come and do us in? Do I tel lher that Paige has sent loads of love letters to Joe. We have kept our side of the bargain. I've kept Joe away from school. He hasnt been in touch with Paige.

I'm really scared now and at a loss as what to do.

Friday

2010-11-26T08:37:00.002Z

My 17 year old, Sam, dropped another bombshell on me last night. He went to a concert and was offered weed and on his way home texted his friend to say 'do I smell of weed' and sent it to me instead of his friend. Talk about dropping yourself in it!

I was shocked, hurt and very disappointed! I really laid into him when he got home. I even threatened to chuck him out if he dared to take up smoking weed or even worse try harder drugs. That's always been my fear, that one day my boys may try weed then try something else and then so it goes on. All I can do is hope and pray that he doesnt get into drugs.

I was in a bit of a state but after a very welcoming message from a very dear friend, at a time when I felt very lonely, I felt better. Thank you my dear friend for being there when I was feeling very lonely and sad.

I've got to realise that Sam is being a normal teenager, he is doing what most 17 year olds do. He is going out partying, he is going to concerts, he is drinking sometimes, he is smoking and he has now tried weed. I dont approve of any of the things he has done lately but Ive got to be here for him when things go wrong, thats what parents do. Ive got to make sure he knows that he is loved and that he will always have a home. I shouldnt have told him I will chuck him out, thats a bit harsh. I regret that now. :0( I told him so, his reply was 'It's ok Mum, I needed a wake up call, I'm going to prove to you that I'm going to change.' I have to believe him, I have to support him, he's my son.

2010-11-26T00:23:00.001Z

So my eldest son smokes weed! Great!

Thursday

2010-11-25T17:01:00.004Z

I feel a bit low again today, my irritable bowel is painful and I didnt sleep too good last night, I was a bit restless. I had nightmares too, keep getting those!

It's strange this feeling. One day or minute I feel really good, then another I feel really frustrated and low and things just get on top of you. I'm having niggly arguments with John and he is all moody saying the house is a mess and that its got to be tidied up. I've been doing little bits and my intentions are to do more but I just dont get round to it. I think that is annoying him!

My friend took me out this morning and her husband gave her money for us to go have coffee, guess where we went? Yup Costa! hee hee. It was nice, but I was suffering a bit with pains in my tummy so I didnt enjoy it as much as I should of.

I havent eaten much today but I've prepared myself a nice dinner, Ive got roasted veg and chicken. It's funny how I can't eat during the day but I will eat dinner in the evening.

Joe is happier today, he is hoping to spend the weekend with his Dad but his Dad is moving tomorrow and might be too tired to come over to pick him up today as he has been packing all day. I think if his Dad does come it will be good for Joe. Joe's school is closed tomorrow and Monday so he has a nice long weekend.

Sam's being a good boy at the moment. He doesnt seem to be smoking as much, he said he would cut down and I believe he has.

John's daughter will be ringing tonight to tell us all about her trip to New York. She came back on Monday, she was there for 4 nights. She went on her own! Good for her I say. If she wants to do something she does it!

I wonder if we will get any snow, I know there is snow up North. We usually get it a few days after! I don't want it! It's nice the first day when everyone enjoys it, but then it's annoying when you can't get anywhere!

Wednesday

2010-11-24T21:11:00.002Z

I have felt quite good today, not better, but good. I think it will take a while to get better. I went out to my friend's house and we went to her mum's who made a lovely stew and dumplings and had fruit cake for after. I really enjoyed it. It was good to get out.

Tomorrow Im out in the morning with my friend and neighbour Sally. We are going to go and have a mooch round the shops in town. Then in the afternoon, Jane from work, is coming to see me. So a full day tomorrow.

My friend from work, Pat, rang me this afternoon. Was so so nice to hear from her. Her and Jane are the only two that I have really gotten close too since working at the school. She cheered me up.

I'm hurting alot today. My sciatica is hurting and playing up today. Also I have quite bad stomach cramps and low back pain. At one point it was so bad I had to go and lay down to let it calm.

I've been playing my new DSi, Ive been playing Professor Layton 3, Im so addicted! Its the only thing I concentrate on for hours on end at the moment.

Joe has been wallowing in his sadness and broken heart. But he snapped out of it this evening when he had another lecture from me and John, then one from Sam, then his Dad called him. I think Joe realises now that we are telling him he cant see Paige for his own good and protection. I'm keeping him off school tomorrow too, he has an inset day Friday and Monday. So by Tuesday, which is his 15th birthday, he should be much better. He has eaten a little bit today so I'm pleased he is getting his appetite back. John and I have secured out laptops and not leaving anything around that can get him on the internet or give him access to Paige.

And Stuart I've bought more biscuits! :)

22:32

2010-11-23T22:32:00.002Z

I'm in bed alone with just my thoughts and a thumping, thumping headache that Ive had all day.

I actually feel proud of myself that I have got through the day. Ive kept it together. I've looked after my boy, Ive cuddle him and told him I love him. Ive also told him off big time and told him how serious this whole thing is. He is being disciplined let me tell you. Ive told my Mum, Ive told my best friend. Thats it. No more! We move on.

I am slowly getting better but I'm not completely better. I am trying hard to do jobs. I start them but never finish them, thats just how I am at the moment. Im trying hard not to spend too much time wallowing in my own self-pity and I'm also going to try get myself to get up earlier and shower and get on with the day. Today I didnt get dressed til 1pm. Most days Im not dressed til about then. Its not good enough. Ive got to be more positive. I know this but its hard to do it!

I'm hoping this feeling will go away and that I dont need to have the tablets to make it go away. The doctor did offer them to me and I am very tempted at the moment. Anything to take this feeling away. But, Im going to try help myself get out of it.

I long to read a book again, I just can't concentrate for long enough. One step at a time though. I want to feel ok to laugh and smile and be happy, I just can't do that at the moment.

Tomorrow I have to get up because my friend wants me to help look after her baby whilst she has her hair done. Initially she said to me, come round and see me it will do you good. Then I realise that actually she wants me there to look after Bella. I do love Bella. She will make me smile, she will be one year old on Dec 18th. I think I should go. I'll see!

These last two days have been the hardest for a long time. But we are getting through. We havent heard from Paige's parents. We havent had anyone knocking on our door. Joe is safe because he is with me and Im not letting him out of my sight or John's sight til we feel its o.k.

I had to go pick up my neighbour's daughter from school today, Sally texted me this morning to say am I still able to. I nearly said no, for gods sake I'm ill. But then I decided I was being very silly and that having that to aim for was a good thing. Oh how little Livvy brightened up my day, she is ten years old. I picked her up and she chatted all the way home about her day, we had milkshakes together and chocolate and watched t.v. until her mum arrived to pick her up. Children really are a good medicine for bringing happiness into your life. I wish I was ten again!

We are nearly at the stage of the fostering process where we will be appointed an assessor and she will come round and chat to us and delve into our lives. I asked the doctor if I should carry on and she said of course, she said that I will make a brilliant foster parent. She said that I am strong and intelligent and that the very fact that I went to see her and am dealing with my problems shows that I can cope. I think a change of life is just what John and I need. We miss the children being little, we miss going out to zoos and parks and throwing bread to the ducks, that sort of thing. We need that back. Everything that has happened just lately is making us even stronger as a family, we have all talked alot and learnt alot of lessons. In a few months time when another little person enters our household we will all be ready and much wiser.

2010-11-23T13:13:00.003Z

I held my baby boy in my arms,
I told him how much I loved him,
I told him how much everyone around him loves him,
I told him how proud I am of him,
How proud I am of him for getting 'A's in English,
How proud I am of him that he plays the guitar so beautifully,
How disappointed and angry I am but I'm not going to let anyone hurt him,
I told him we will protect him, love him and guide him through this difficult time.

He isnt crying anymore on the outside, he is playing his guitar and his music is crying, its beautiful music but so sad.

I just hope no-one hurts him, he isnt a boy that did this to brag or to hurt. He did it because he truly, truly loves her. How hard it is to be a teenager.

Its all a big mess.

2010-11-23T10:50:00.002Z

Im sorry to have worried you all yesterday.

This has not been easy at all.

I think I told you all that we found out that Joe had slept with his girlfriend. He being nearly 15 and her 13 has not gone down too well with her parents as you can imagine.

I thought that the right thing to do was to inform her parents immediately as I could not harbour a secret like that about their daughter, thats just not right. John and I are quite liberal about these things, we do not condone under age sex though. I had spoken to Joe that he did realise that his girlfriend was very young and that he should not embark on any physical relationship with her whatsoever. I wasnt entirely happy that they were getting so close but I had warned him and her parents were trusting them both.

Anyway, I didnt have their phone number so I messaged Paige's mum on facebook.

She phoned me on Joe's mobile to ask what was going on. She said that Paige had sworn on her grandmother's grave, who she only lost 6 months ago, that she had not slept with Joe. I said well Im sorry they have and I felt that you should know before it went any further. Obviously she was devasted and upset.

About ten o'clock last night Paige's Dad rings me. He immediately starts with a threatening tone, I could not handle it and started shaking and crying and passed him on to John. He was obviously not happy to think that his baby girl had had sexual relations with Joe. But, of course, its all Joe's fault. She told her Dad that Joe had bribed her into doing it and that he would tell all his mates if she didnt. Thats a lie Joe didnt say that to her. He said that Joe had lied about his age. Joe had never told them how old he was. They could see by his prefect top what year he is in! He actually threatened to beat Joe up, a grown man wants to beat up a 14 year old! John said to him do you know you have threatened to beat up a child, and then he says to John I will come and do you over right now if you like! John kept very calm and kept reminding him gently that we had only wanted to do the right thing by telling him straight away. Then he would seem to calm down but then get very angry again. It was not nice at all. He demanded that Joe keep right away from Paige and that he is not to brag and if he finds out that Joe is bragging or goes near her again he will personally do Joe in! He proclaimed to have plenty of 'cousins' that could do the job for him! Oh what lovely people we have living in this world, does it all have to result to violence? He said to John I hope you have given him what for, and John said we deal with it in our way and violence is not our way. John said to him 'I assure you that Joe will be severely dealt with and that he will no how wrong it is'. Not enough for bullies though is it.

Imagine if we hadnt found out and her Dad found them out, my Joe would probably be in hospital bashed up. This is very serious and very very scary. All we can do now is stay low and make sure Joe is protected. Ive kept Joe home today, he is in absolute bits, he is heart broken, ashamed and very very empty. My baby! Im so so sad, Im so so frightened. It makes me feel physically sick!

I have de-activated Joe's facebook, Ive taken his mobile away from him, all for his own safety really. I havent deleted her mum off my facebook, I dont know what to do about that!

The Dad did threaten to go to the police, maybe thats better than him beating Joe up. Im now waiting anxiously for someone to bash my door down, or a policeman to knock on the door. My life feels like its falling to pieces! Not sure how much more I can handle. One positive is that I didnt have a panic attack, my anxiety never arose, its more like a very numb feeling, a sickening feeling of dread! I feel helpless and out of control. All I can do is keep cuddling my baby, he has a broken heart that needs mending.

2010-11-22T19:02:00.000Z

Hate to see my baby heart broken :(

Monday

2010-11-22T15:27:00.005Z

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I will relax and thank you Stuart for the hug. I will let you know how I'm feeling. Writing in here is quite a good therapy for me.

I went and met my friend for lunch, John urged me to go, he dropped me into town and I did my post and I met her and had lunch, it was lovely.

I was looking at my emails whilst I was out and noticed that Sam has gone over on his phone bill, by £22.00. This is not the only time he has gone over. I'm not happy as he has unlimited text and 200 free minutes. Instead of paying £10.00 Ive got to pay £32.00, nearly as much as I pay for my iPhone bill! So he now owes me £70. John will talk to him when Sam arrives home from college no doubt.

Another bombshell drops on me today. John picks me up from town and says right are you ready for this one, I didn't want to tell you til you'd been to Doctors and met Sue. Its about Joe! Oh no! What has he done! Anxiety just wells up inside of me! John says, 'I found a condom wrapper under the sofa last night'. Joe must have had sex with his girlfriend whilst we were at the theatre yesterday. So he had lied to me, he said he was going to meet her at her house. The girl has only just turned 13. I have sat Joe down and explained to him that he must not have underage sex, he is only 14, 15 on 30th November (if he lives that long!). 13!!!! 13 years old and what the hell will her mum say if she finds out. She really trusts Joe. Her Dad went mad and grounded her when he saw them just holding hands. What the hell will he do if he knows that they've been having sex! The positive of this is that he is using a condom! I hope in the right way, imagine if she gets pregnant! I know her Dad is quite volatile and he wouldn't think twice about sorting Joe out. Oh my! What do I do now? I know that we will have to watch Joe very closely and not let him be in the house alone. They will find somewhere to do it though, even if we stop them from being in the house alone.

Can I get off this roller coaster now please!

Jan, she didnt say what the burping was all about! But I have read that anxiety can play havoc on your digestive system, so maybe thats it.

Dcotor's

2010-11-22T10:46:00.002Z

Ive been to the Doc and she has signed me off for another two weeks from today.

I do feel better now as that decision has been made. She said she was really pleased with my progress. She said that she can see that I am an intelligent woman, me? LOL, and that she can see that I am taking on board what she has asked me to do. However, she does think I am depressed and that I do have anxiety quite bad at the moment. She said that she could give me anti-depressants but I said I'll think about that as I'd have to be on them for six months and not come off. I'm not too sure I really need them. She said that if I was severely depressed she would urge me to take them but she said that I am depressed but not bad enough that I want to kill myself or anything like that, which is good. She did offer me counselling too which I can have if I feel the need. I'm not sure I want that at the moment, I did counselling once and it just made me feel worse quite frankly.

She said to keep writing things down and doing relaxing stuff.

Ive sent an email to work to explain it all. Thank goodness for email and I dont actually have to talk to work. I dont think I could do that. I felt very tearful coming out of the Doctors. I said to her that I felt like a fake and she said no you are very ill at the moment but you are coming through it and she said she was very proud of the way Im handling it. I told her that John looks like he cant understand me and she said that is very common, because people cant see a physical change in me they cant believe that Im ill. Thats the hardest thing to deal with as people expect you to be ok. John said to me, after I'd been to the Doctor, 'but you were ok yesterday!'. The doctor said to me yes you will get ok days but the problem hasnt gone and she said it will take months to get me back on track.

I asked her about the fostering and she said that in no way should I be worried about this affecting it at all. She said that I have dealt with this sensibly and she cant see a problem.

Phew! big Phew!

Sunday

2010-11-21T21:01:00.002Z

Thanks for all your comments and support. Im trying not to worry too much. Sam's a good lad and Im sure we will get through this. Jane, Sam doesnt get EMA money, weve got to sort his money out and we are going to give him an invoice for the money he owes us, the money that he took.

We went to the theatre this afternoon, we saw a brilliant play called Skylight, written by David Hare. It was spellbinding, really good! If it comes to your local theatre I urge you to watch it. There was only a cast of three. It was about a girl who had been a mistress to a very successful business man and he suddenly came back into her life after three years, his son was also in the story. Brilliant! I felt good watching the play, I did feel a little anxious sometimes, I just wish I could relax and not worry about how long its going to be!

I bought a DSi today, Im really loving it. I sold my DS lite on Amazon for £85.00!! So I went up to Tesco with John and bought a DSi, £119.00, which came with Professor Layton 3 free! As I already have that game, which Im loving by the way, I then put the one I got for free on Amazon and sold it for £27!! So in the end I didnt have to pay much out for my new console. The new DSi has got more features on it than the DS Lite, it's got a camera on it!!!

Now, what do I need to say to the Doctor tomorrow,

Im still feeling anxious and really cant stop burping.
I feel tired.
My head feels all muzzy.
I feel strange!
I dont know what to say, I guess it will just come out when I see her!

I know one thing, Im worrying about everyone and everything!!!

Saturday

2010-11-20T19:31:00.002Z

We spoke to Sam last night. (Jane he is 17) We spoke calmly to him, told him how disappointed we were. He was very sorry. It's hard to explain here what went on but we talked and talked. We let Joe talk too, after all Joe is as much part of this family as Sam and Sam needs to know how it affected him too (is it effected or affected?) anyway, Joe said that he was disappointed in him and that he couldnt believe he could still try to steal from me and know that he would be found out, especially when Mum is feeling ill at the moment and you can make her worse. At this point I broke down in tears. To hear my Joe speaking so sensibly and supportive of me was very touching. We asked Sam what he was going to do to try help himself get better, as we said to him he does have a problem and we all need to work together to get him better. He said that he needs to cut down the cigarettes and eventually try to give up.

Of course I had to tell his Dad, his Dad treats things differently to John and I, his Dad F'd and blinded at him down the phone, which I dont think is necessary but I cant stop what his Dad does.

Sam said he is going to try really hard to get a job so he can pay for his things (cigarettes) that he wants himself.

Im not going to hide my bag away, I want to trust him. I think that if he gets the urge to steal I'd rather it was from me than from outside the house. I will have a chat to Sam and see what he thinks. I'll ask him if he can trust himself me leaving my bag in the hallway still. John feels strongly about not changing what we do in the house. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

I got up this morning feeling better, had had a relaxing night's sleep, it was good to have spoken to Sam and got that out the way. As the morning went on though I felt anxious again, as we were getting ready to go to my Mum and Dad's it was horrible, the feeling just kept rising up and up. I dont know why as I had got up feeling fine.

I have felt like Im on another planet today, my arms have felt all heavy and my head has felt muzzy. It was lovely seeing my Mum and Dad. I was hoping my Mum would give me a cuddle but she didnt! She never ever does! :( We told them about Sam and they were disappointed and said that they thought we had dealt with it very well. My Dad gave me their pocket money and said to me, tell Sam that you are keeping it. I did'nt do that, I gave it to Sam hoping he would offer it to me but he didnt. Im hoping that he will try to pay me back one day.

Had some nice eats at my Mum and Dad's always nice eats there! And they gave us a lovely box of M&S choccies that we can eat tonight whilst watching X-Factor.

John is in a very funny mood, I think he is fed up with me again, thats how it feels. He is very tired. We had to drive into Brighton to drop Joe and his friends then we drove to my Mum and Dad's, had dinner with them then picked up Joe and his friends at 5.30. We didnt get home til just gone seven and then he had to go to Tesco. I said to him, dont go to Tesco as your tired and he said no Ive got to go as its the last day for the voucher for £7.00 off and we need the money right now! That makes me feel bad as Im off work at the moment and I wont be getting paid full pay. I think John thinks I should go back next week. I dont want to go back and then go back to where I started again! Im scared! I dont know what to think, I dont know what my head is going to do to me next! Im fed up burping like every five minutes! I cant wait to see the Doctor on Monday and see what she says as Im feeling anxious already.

Thanks for making me feel better with your comments everyone.

I havent checked spelling and that! It might be rubbish!

Friday

2010-11-19T14:20:00.002Z

I wake up relaxed this morning as I know that John has taken care of the school run. I can't explain how much that helps me, not having to worry. I had found getting up in the mornings really hard. I find it hard getting myself motivated and ready let alone getting the boys up and taking them to school, college. So John has relieved me from that.

I lay in bed listening to my audio book last night, I found it hard to sleep but I must have slept as I kept waking up to different parts of the book. At one time though I did have to give in to my restlessness and put the light on and took some tablets. Once I was asleep I did sleep well. I will have to rewind my book tonight though.

I made myself shower and get dressed this morning instead of lounging in my dressing gown. I havent showered for a long time. It felt good! I dont know why I can never be bothered to get in shower. I always just have a quick wash.

John said to me I looked alot better this morning but he had some bad news for me that he didnt really want to burden me with but Sam has been taking money again and he had been in my bag again this morning. John had had a word with him on the way to college this morning and Sam admitted to it. Even though Sam knows Im ill at the moment he is still doing it! He never took the £10 out of my purse because I had written a note in my purse saying £10.00. John said he knew Sam had been in my bag as John had made sure my bag was fully done up and when he looked again the zip was open. Sam admitted that he took 20p from my purse. This hasnt done me much good, I wept when John told me. John said that he though I dealt with it much better than he imagined. Im not as bad as I was a couple of weeks ago as my medication has been increased now and that is controlling my anxiety. Its still there though I can feel it bubbling up inside and Im burping all the time!

We are going to sit Sam down when he comes in from college, Im dreading it! We are going to have Joe in on the conversation as well. Last time we protected Sam from having to confront Joe and his Dad. This time I think Joe should be involved and if Joe wants to say something he can. I feel that Joe should see that Sam is being punished and talked to for what he has done. I really dont know how to deal with this, he obviously has a problem and we need to get to the bottom of it. I will be telling his Dad after we have spoken to him. His Dad will not be happy, he will deal with it in a different way but thats out of my control.

Even though I felt brighter this morning Im not sure if Im ready to go back to work next week or not, I feel that I need to learn how to control my anxiety and stress. Im hoping the Doctor can help with that next week.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday

2010-11-18T19:11:00.003Z

Slept in til 10am, I'd had a bit of a disturbed night, tossing and turning, waking up and not getting back to sleep.

John took the boys again so I didnt have to worry.

I felt so so tired when I woke up, I had such a back ache too.

My brother rang me. Just to put you in the picture, my brother suffers from anxiety disorder, he had quite a big breakdown a while back and he is better now but has to be careful. He has learnt to control it. He had therapy which he has recommended to me. He said that the things I was telling him was a mirror image of himself and that I should get help before things get worse. He said to me that I should suggest to my Doctor about CBT, Cognitive Behavour Therapy, think thats what its called. It was so good to talk to my brother, he said he feels so distant.

I went back to bed after talking to my brother, just so so tired. John was off work so he came in for a cuddle, which was nice as I really needed him to be close. We both slept until 2.30! Whoops!

At about 5.30 we went to Tesco to do the big shop, I was dreading it. I felt anxious the whole way round. I did it though! I felt pleased with myself. Couldnt have gone without John though.

Very tired now, feel achey. Looking forward to a relaxing evening. Just cooking dinner. Something easy, lasagne, just pop it in oven!

Im going to need your help bloggy people to write my bullet points for the Doctor. I'll start putting them on here and then decided what's best to tell the doctor.

Doctors

2010-11-17T17:25:00.003Z

I phoned docs and tried to get in earlier, the earliest I can get in is Monday, better than waiting for Tuesday I suppose.

I know there is more I need to say to her but I dont know how. As soon as I go in there I clam up and I had written it all in my diary but she didnt read it properly! Im a bit concerned about the anxious feelings I have all the time.

Its good to talk about it, I feel that that is helping. But I still worry about stuff, about when shall I go back to work. That there is a school trip next week and if I dont go back I'm letting my little boys down. I promised them I'd be with them on that trip :0(.

There is so much I need to do.

I need to get back into reading, at the moment I cant concentrate to read for long. I was at a coffee shop today with a paper and I couldnt finish an article. Its hard to stay focused on one thing for long.

I need to get the spare room sorted out. So much washing there and so much junk you would not believe! Actually the whole house needs sorting.

I need to look after myself a bit better. I dont bother showering most mornings. I have a wash (Im not smelly!) but I dont look after myself like I used to.

I need to stop worrying about other people so much, I take on everyone's problems and have so many friends that need me. I cant do that anymore, not for a little while anyway.

I need to cuddle John more. He is being neglected and I do love him.

I need to stop worrying about my boys. I feel that Sam is lieing to me all the time and I dont trust him one bit.

Ive got to eat better. Ive not got the best appetite at the moment and I burp all the time! All the time! Its embarrassing!!

Ive got to walk more with Oscar and build his walking up so his leg gets better. He is getting better bless him and his walks can increase now.

Basically Ive got to stop worrying and as Ma says Ive got to start looking at the positives!

Yes that's what I'll do.

2010-11-17T15:08:00.002Z

Jane says:
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?

My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.

Stuart says:

It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email

My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.

Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x

Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.

Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx

Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.

Ma Says:

It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!

My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.

Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.

time to rest

2010-11-16T18:06:00.002Z

10:00am

Doctor's appointment. Was sitting in waiting room feeling very anxious. Two ladies were talking to me. I didnt really hear what they were saying, I nodded and smiled. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I was busy thinking about what the Doctor would say.

The Doctor, Dr Kucher, is so so nice. She welcomes me with a warm smile and asks me to take a seat. She asks how I am and it all comes out. She read my diary. Well scanned it. I wouldnt expect her to read it all it would take hours! Bit like a novel of my thoughts! I told her I was blogging again and she said that was brilliant. She said that I looked much better than last week. She was pleased to see some positives in my diary.

She said she wants me to try techniques for getting to sleep, like reading a book, having a bath, watching a film and relaxing. Now I wasnt about to tell her that for the last ten or so years Ive tried all those things! Even taking tablets havent helped in the past. If my mind is racing, its racing. My mind wont let me watch a film and read a book. My mind wont let me stay in a bath coz I dont like it for too long! I just nodded and smiled. She said that I had to self-certificate myself off work to start with then she will sign me off as need be when I next see her. Im signed off til Tuesday. I see her again on Tuesday and then I will phone work and let them know how I am. Im not ready to go back to work yet.

15:30

I get home from picking my friend's little girl up from school and there is a boquet of flowers at my door. Someone from work had left it there for me. There was a card too. It said that they were all thinking about me and hoped I'd be back soon. Typical that I was out when someone came by. They probably think Im fake! Anyway I emailed them my thanks and said I was up at Tesco picking up my meds. (Which reminds me, I havent picked my packet up yet. One thing I forgot to ask the Doc is when I can up my meds. Last time I upped them after a week.

17:00

Having snooze on sofa. Text message wakes me up. Joe: 'Can you pick me up please'. Why does it always happen when your resting! So up I jump. Get ready and go get Joe. I pick him up from Asda entrance and seeing as I was there I thought I'd get some milk. Well it turns into a bit of an expedition and as the store only opened yesterday there are teething problems and we got caught up in the wrong till with problems! I got very panicky and anxious. I could feel the feeling rising and rising it was horrible. I really dont think Im ready for taking myself shopping yet! That was a bit ambitious!

18:25

John rings. He is stuck in traffic. He is very very tired. I tell him how I feel and he says oh dear that is not right and is a bit cross with me for trying to do too much. Dont blame him really. It seems its a good job I havent gone back to work yet then! John warns me that when he gets in the door he will have to go chill out upstairs for a bit, in other words he wont want me going on and on when he gets in! I think I get the message!

Ive got a questionnaire thing to fill out from the Doctor about being depressed, after looking at it I think I am!

2010-11-16T08:42:00.000Z

Monday 19:15

Butterflies like you wouldn’t believe. Feel very strange, empty and just not right.

21:43

Have felt strange and anxious all evening. I wish this anxious feeling would go away. Keep burping all the time too. Its horrible. John away tonight. I don’t like him being away.

My Joe is in bits this evening. Had a disagreement with his girlfriend. Its all far too intense and he takes things to heart. He got himself in such a state and Im the only one here to deal with it. John not here. Its hard.

My leg hurts, dull aches. Absolutely shattered so I hope I sleep better tonight.

Tuesday 07:16

Very very tired, I wish I could wake up feeling refreshed. I just don’t want to wake up. I could sleep forever. I did sleep better last night, although it still takes me ages to get to sleep. But once I was asleep I didn’t wake up.

My head is muzzy, my tummy feels empty and I keep burping but I don’t want to eat. I have a heavy period, I really need to sort my coil out but never get round to making an appointment. When I get back from the doctors today I want to get back in bed and sleep.

What I want is to wake up not feeling empty, wake up eager to start the day.

I ran out of time as usual! Its so hard getting up getting motivated. Getting the boys motivated, sorting out the dog. Then Sam couldn’t find a t.shirt. I feel bad as all the clothes are just in a heap in the spare room. I wash them, dry them and then do nothing with them, I really must sort it out! There is so much to do before a foster child arrives, the spare room needs clearing out. John said that if we were further down the line I could give up work so I could get house ready. I wish we knew. I wish I had a simple job like a checkout girl at Asda, in a bright green shirt!

I got flustered in the car as it was all iced up and I was trying to clear it and then Sam turns radio up and I snap at him. All because Im anxious about what Im going to say at the Doctors today. I wish I could just be calm, get all the jobs done in the house, read a lot, go for a long walk. Be me, do something for me!

Big Sigh

2010-11-15T17:14:00.002Z

I seem to do alot of sighing lately! Ive done a lot of that today.

Ive had a good day, my friend Joe rang me this morning. It was him I went to last week after my Doctor vist as Joe lives right opposite the Doctors! Very convenient for tea and chat!

He said that he wanted to take me out to cheer me up. So off we went to our brand spanking new Asda, opened today! I thought it was going to be chaos and I thought I wouldnt be able to hack it but it was really good. We found a parking spot and we got round the shop not too bad, although it was very very busy. I did feel a bit flustered sometimes and anxious but I was ok. We finished our shopping at 12.00 so Joe suggested we went out to lunch. He treated me :0) (Huge smiley face). It was lovely as we could have a really good chat. It helped me such a lot. Joe is such a good friend always there when you need him.

I got home about one and then at 2.30 my friend from work, Jane, came to take me into town so I could bank a cheque. We had coffee in Costa :0)!!! Even bigger smiley face!! I had a lovely Latte and a lovely Lemon cupcake. We chatted and I felt better. She said work were ok about me being off. Everyone understands.

I feel very apprehensive about going to the Doctors tomorrow. Quite scared in a way. I don't want her to say Ive got to go back to work. Im not ready yet. Im not strong enough. Things make me want to cry, Im nervous. Im not very strong at the moment.

The thing is I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Ive been out, Ive chatted, Ive laughed, I have to get on with stuff, housework, kids so why shouldnt I go back to work?

Thank you all for your comments, its so lovely to be welcomed back. I abandoned you for so long and yet your all here to welcome me and comfort me with your kinds words. Thank you.

Depressed?

2010-11-15T08:52:00.003Z

Ive decided to write my blog again, I went to the Doctors last week. Ive not had a very good time of it lately. I had high blood pressure and the doctor could see I was very anxious. Ive had alot of anxiety lately, every day! My Doctor asked me to keep a feelings diary. Here is a excerpt from it to give you an idea how I am at the moment.

Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.

• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.

Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.

Am I depressed? I dont know.

John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!

:( sad!

Thursday

2010-05-20T22:51:00.003+01:00

This picture is of the garden we have at our school. The older children get to play in it in the morning and the younger children, who Im with, get to play in it at lunch time. I was standing in the staff room today, looking out the window, having my cup of tea, and though, oooh I will take a photo of the lovely garden and show my bloggy peoples! Do you see our willow man and our willow dragon? Lovely willow making peoples came in and did this with the children. Its a very special place. I will try take some more pics of our school to show you again soon.

John is still waiting to find out if he definately has a job or not. They have made him an offer but they havent confirmed every detail yet.

My back is still giving me trouble and Im rather fed up with it now! hmmmph! I didnt sleep very well last night. I was up at 2am and fell asleep rather awkwardely (oooh how do you spell that?) on the sofa! That does not help the back situation when I fall asleep like that. Amazing how then when you go lay back in bed, ping! your eyes are wide open again! Grrrrr

Sports day at school tomorrow, well its not at the school, its being held at the village recreation ground. The school doesnt have a field big enough, well the school doesnt have a field! It starts at 9.30 and the parents will bring all the children so we just have to turn up there. Then at lunchtime the children go with their parents for a picnic and we get to go home! So an early day for me! yay!

Im really excited! John and I have decided, after a long, long time of thinking about it, that we would like to be foster parents. We have made investigations and have applied to an agency. It takes about six months before you can be accepted and take on foster children. We might even decide not to do it. We need to find out alot about it, meet our social worker, do training etc., etc., It also means that I will have to give up work. I have thought long and hard about this. I get very frustrated at work because I am restricted by school rules and politics. When I think to myself, oooh my child with autism needs to have a five minute run with me out in the playground, it has to stay as a thought, I can't decide to do things like that, I should be able to, I am his INA, I am with him everyday. But, it's never possible for me to do the things that I know he wants to do, that I know will help him. They wont let me treat him differently because he has to fit in! I frustrates me immensely! There is so much that frustrates me! I also hate the clicky ness of the staff. I have been there since October and I still feel that I dont really fit in, I fit in with the kids. The kids love me! In fact today I had nearly the whole school on the playground doing sticker books with me. Theyve all started bringing sticker books in and the idea is to trade stickers. They kept saying to me, Mrs Sayers why dont you bring a book in, so I did!! In fact, I actually really love my sticker book! hee hee!! I dont think the other staff like it. Its hard to explain, I love my job, I would love it even better if it was just me and the kids, we can do without adults!

Anyway, Im gonna go now coz Ive said loads and your probably very bored now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I love my man very muchly! :0)

Monday

2010-05-17T17:57:00.008+01:00

This weekend John took me away. It was lovely. We took Oscar. Just one night but it was just so nice to chill out. Here are some pictures;

This is the hotel, it was a lovely hotel right on The River Thames, its called The Shillingford Bridge Hotel,

This was our room, No. 50! I liked our room! It was like a little apartment really. We had a lovely view across to the river.

This is the view we had. It was so peaceful and lovely! Oscar loved it too!

Here he is, my lovely Oscar. He was such a good boy. I cant believe how well he settle in to a place. After only being there a few hours he knew the way back to our room. On the last day, after we checked out, we were trying to get Oscar into the back of the car and he was trying to pull us back up the steps to our room, awwwwwwwwwwww!!! He didnt want to go! Nor did we!

One night isnt really enough but its better than none! It was so so nice to get away, just the three of us. John, me and that lovely doggy. Its so good to find hotels that take doggies!

This is John on the boardwalk which led to a Lock at Henley. Oscar was not liking this bridge! He was sooooo scared he was shaking. After John and I had done this walk along The Thames we sat outside a lovely pub and had lunch. It was lovely and sunny and warm but as soon as I mentioned it on my Facebook status it started to rain! Typical! But it was rather nice sitting snuggled up under the umbrella.

I'll post again tomorrow. I'm in a good mood again after looking back on my weekend pics. So Im not going to spoil by telling you about today. Ill save that for tomorrow.

Laine xxxxx

Tuesday

2010-05-11T22:08:00.002+01:00

Still in pain! When will the pain go? Not happy about that! I really thought that it would all go away! Silly me! Its still early though, Its a week today that I had the injections.

Its a year today that my mum had her operation to remove the cancer from her bowel. She goes for a CT scan next week to make sure there are no more cancers! Its good that they keep such a close eye on people when they have had cancer. I just hope and pray they dont find anything.

The kids as school today were a bit hardwork! There seemed to be incident after incident! It was hard going! But you deal with it. You start to wonder why you are doing the job then a little one will turn round and make you smile. Such little things make me smile, watching a four year old being able to skip for the first time, watching a four year old do her zip up on her own for the first time, helping an 10 year old understand the question on their test paper, hearing a four year old say; "I'm drunk Mrs Sayers!". Or "Mrs Sayers my guinea pigs keep humping each other, they do it every day!" Oh, the innocence of childhood. How lucky am I to have the privilege to work with these wonderful children. Even when they are fighting! GRRRR LOL.

I went to see my god-daughter this evening. It was her birthday last Friday. I visited her on her birthday, of course, but her present was delayed in the post so I delivered it to her tonight. Its a heart shape pin board for her bedroom, its covered in pink gingham and pink elastic so she can put all her photos and stuff on it. She was so pleased and I got to have lots of cuddles with her. It was a really nice evening spent with her and her mummy. The three of us did window shopping on the internet looking at lovely dresses and girly things! Thats nice for me as I live in a house full of boys!

Church tomorrow morning. I love going to church on a Wednesday morning with the children. Such a beautiful pretty church and the children are always so good.

John should hopefully get a job offer through the post by Friday. Fingers crossed that the salary is ok! He is enjoying not working at the moment. Lots of jobs to do round the house. If he accepts the new job he will have to start straight away so he is making the most of freedom!

Right time to get ready for bed and go read my book.

Monday

2010-05-10T17:40:00.002+01:00

Well it was back to work today for me. It felt strange. I had to get my school head back on, that always takes a while. It was lovely to see the children again. The little boy I look after who has autism said to me, 'you've been away a long time Mrs Sayers'. He said it in a very thoughtful way. He gave me a big smile when he saw me so I think he missed me! That made me smile!

The T.A. who works in the class never said one word to me today. Not one! I've tried to be friendly but Im not going to try anymore. She isnt nasty to me, she just doesnt talk to me unless she has to. On rare occasions she might speak to me but this is very rare. I dont let it bother me at all. I really, really dont want her to be friendly if she doesnt like me. I'd rather she just stays as she is. Ive learnt so much through the years. What once used to bother, bothers me no more! Its a good feeling actually.

John and I have just come back from a beautiful walk in our lovely park. We sat in the sun for ages. We met so many people with their doggies. I love meeting people and discussing doggy antics.

Anyone watching Over the Rainbow? Im totally hooked! I cry every week when the girl who is not going to be Dorothy flies off on the moon! Awwwwww!

Anyway, I must go and sort tea out. Hope you are all well.

Update on my back. No improvement as yet! :(

Laine xxxx

Saturday

2010-05-08T16:40:00.002+01:00

Well I still have no affect from those injections! Time will tell I spose! Im feeling better though. Not so tired. I had quite a funny week, wierd funny, because of the hospital and feeling so tired. Because of John's job. Bleh to that week - tis gone now! Welcome new week! :0)

New week I go back to work. New week I see if the injections have worked or not! New week Im gonna smile alot and not be a misery and try not to be tired!

John and I are off to Eastbourne tomorrow for shopping. I have lost alot of weight lately - 18 pounds infact! Whoooooo!!! So now I can fit into a 12, I used to be a 16! Thats UK 12 by the way! I say it again, UK12!!! hee hee!!! Anyways, I need to lose another 6 pounds coz the 12, even though it fits, is a little tight. Im inbetween! A 14 is far too big! So Ive got to not eat any galaxy or be tempted to put galaxy into my banana sandwiches and then toast them! ;0) John has decided we have takeaway tonight! Hmmmm not good! But I will just eat what I want and not go over the top. A little naughtiness is ok!

Thank you for all your lovely comments! I do love to see them and they do mean alot to me.

So John is now out of work. How strange does that feel. At the moment it feels no different, plus he still gets a wage at the end of this month. He is waiting a job offer through the post from another company, but they are beginning to worry us as they are so slap dash and never ring back when John calls.

My Sammy Sam has got into Sixth Form! So proud of him! We went for the interview just before my hospital thing, cant remember when now! But Im sure I havent told you all about it. Anyway, he wasnt happy with his place at Bexhill College and the course he wanted at Hastings brand new shiny college isnt being run! tut tut! So we rang William Parker Sports College, who have a fabby little sixth form, and Sam had an interview and he has got in unconditionally!!! He is so so happy! He is going to do a Diploma in Music Technology, ICT A Level, Media and Sports. One happy Sam!!! Phew!

Sam and Joe both passed their guitar exams. Sam Grade 3 and Joe grade 4. Im giving them a rest for a bit and they will start again in September. Sam might even be able to do some grades at college.

Have a lovely weekend and I will write again soon.
Laine xxxx

Hospital over with!

2010-05-04T20:49:00.002+01:00

Phew! Hospital over with! Thank goodness! I was such a wimp! I was so so nervous, I cannot tell you how much!

John and I arrived at the hospital at about 8.00am, I was seen about 9.00am. John left me as I was taken through to theatre. First of all I was with the anaethatist (dont ask me to spell that one!). Anyway, he took five times to get a line in my hand! I was in a right state! It really, really hurt! They were pushing and prodding and pulling and my poor hand was hurting! They said they could not get any blood to come out. I was crying by the time they had finished. There was me worried about the actual procedure and that was the worst bit!

I was then wheeled in to the operating theatre, blubbing like a baby. The nurse was so kind she held my hand until I fell asleep. I had to go on my front. They had an x-ray machine and thats the last word I heard. I then came to in the recovery. The first thing I looked at was my hand! It bloomin hurt! Least it took my attention off my back. When they were happy with my recovery they wheeled my bed into the ward. Whilst on the ward they checked my blood pressure and stuff and once I had eaten some toast, had a cup of tea and had a wee I was allowed home. Im so glad its over.

I feel groggy still. Well very tired. Thats the anaesthetic. Im not allowed to drive for 48 hours. So Im not going back to school til next Monday. My boss was ok with that. Gives me time to recover. My back is sore where they did the injections and my legs feel heavy and ache alot. I dont feel any improvement to my sciatica yet! Im hoping that the injections do work! After going through all that!

Anyway, on a brighter note. I have me a brand new shiny laptop. At the weekend John said I should treat myself! He did help me out with the money a bit. Joe's laptop was really, really old and he did need a new one. So John said why dont I buy one and he have mine coz I had only had it a year. My old one was a Dell Inspiron and I never really got fond of it. Joe, on the other hand, loves it! I didnt like its keyboard or the way the mouse worked. I now have a Sony E Series, in white! LOL Its rather nice and the keyboard is fab! I love the mouse pad too. Im not sure about Windows 7 though! I really wish I could afford a Mac. Maybe that will be my next purchase when Sam needs a new laptop. I think my kids are very spoilt! But it means I gets the new one! hee hee!!!

I was going to go round visiting all your blogs tonight as I havent for so long. Im feeling very tired now. Its time for bed said Zebedee!!! xxxxxxx

My God-daughter.

2010-04-30T22:10:00.003+01:00

Awwww my god-daughter, beautiful Courtney wrote me a poem.

I have a smashing god-mother her name is lainey laine,
I dunno what I would do without her nothing will heal the pain,
She has always been here for me, hopefully until eternity,
I love her cuddles she is so down to earth, I cuddle her back like I've known her all my life,
I go around her she comes around mine, everytime I see her she always shines,
this is a little poem to say how much I care,
when I am feeling down and blue I know your always there,

Love you SO much :)

Now she is nearly 13 and I thought that was brilliant for a girl of her age to write. It actually made me cry. Here is a picture of Courtney and I taken the other day when we were mucking about with my web cam on my laptop. We always have such fun together.

New blogger - yay

2010-04-29T21:44:00.002+01:00

We have a new blogger in our midst! She is 16, she is the daughter of a very close friend of mine, she is a very close friend to my Sammy Sam and I loves her lots and lots!!! Her name is Lucy and you can find her on Speaking with Ambiguity. Please visit her as she is new to blogger!

I promise I will write again tomorrow! At the moment Im trying to talk to a friend on facebook who is having real big problems with my god-daughter. (her daughter!) So Im trying to work out with her what we can do. The thing is she is always so good when she is with me so I dont see the side that her mum sees.

I promise to write again tomorrow and I will visit you all too.

Love Laine xxx

Friday - St George's Day

2010-04-23T22:21:00.006+01:00

Thank you all for your comments. I really have not stopped looking at Goldendoodle pictures on the internet! sigh! One day perhaps! They are just too cute!

Today is St. George's Day and we are celebrating being English! England flags are out everywhere, we even saw them on our walk in the woods today. Oscar got a lovely surprise!
We found a tree with England flags all over it and doggy biscuits, I took pictures to share it with you all!
The lady that did this also puts decorations on this tree at Christmas too with Christmas pressies for all the local doggies. I think its such a lovely idea! Oscar was so excited to get a biscuit on his dog walk today!

Laine xx

My title page photo.

2010-04-22T18:01:00.000+01:00

I just want you to know that the photo that is on my header was taken by my lovely Dad in his garden last summer. Isnt he a clever ole stick! So please dont snag it! If you do want to copy it then ask me first in the comments. I have this photo as a screensaver on my computer and decided it was time to share it as its so so beautiful.

Laine xxx

I won and I want a Goldendoodle.

2010-04-22T17:12:00.003+01:00

First of all I must tell you that I won a prize the other day on NotSupermum's blog! I won Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel! I don't ever win anything! Go visit NotSupermum her blog is brill!

Thanks for you comments. Marie, Im great thank you and really great to see you visiting my blog again. I dont have a photo blog but you have made me think! Perhaps I should. So I might make that my next project. I will look at my photos and see if I think any are good enough to enter your comp!

Stuart, I think it takes John about 3 and a half hours to get to Coventry thats if he travels at 4am in the morning. It takes much much longer when there is traffic. But, thank goodness, he does not have to go back there again tomorrow. So he will be home later with news of how things went today and whether they want to keep him on or not.
I still havent got my car back yet. I had to go pick up a cable that goes inside the door and the guy is fixing it in tonight. I go to my 'Parents surviving teenagers' course tonight. Its more like a social event really! We all talk about our kids and get given tips on how to cope with teenagers. My boys are like angels. I cant believe what some people have to put up with.

I saw in our local paper today, puppies for sale, Goldendoodles! Awwwwwwww now I really, really want one! I know I cant have one! But, maybe one day. So I here I post a pic of a lovely Goldendoodle! Just to make you smile! (And maybe make you want one! hee hee, the lady has two boys left and they are £695 each, yes! I did phone the lady up just to see!) Whoops!

Cute eh?

Laine xxxxx

Wednesday

2010-04-21T21:52:00.002+01:00

Stuart, lol Im taking the chill pills! Need them!

Car still with man! It was with him all day and he didnt get a chance to look at it til 5.30. But, he is really doing me a big favour so I didnt complain. He is going to get the part for the door tomorrow and then fix it. Good ole Mia taking me to work again tomorrow and picking me up. I finish at 1.15 tomorrow! I love Tuesdays and Thursdays coz they is my half day days!

On Friday we are in church in the morning for St. George's day and we all have to wear red and white and in the afternoon I am taking 8 children to a football tournament at Battle school. Im hoping it will be a sunny afternoon. Well I say Im taking them, Im not really. Their parents are picking them up and we all go in our own cars. Im just going to watch really! So there is an adult from our school. I hope the children behave I will feel funny telling them off infront of their parents.

John went to see his friend's company today about possibly working for them. He said they seem very interested! So we will just have to wait and see.

John not so stressy today. He does have to drive all the way to Coventry tomorrow as the company taking over his company are interviewing them all as they may take a couple of them on. Its only a 15 minute interview! Then he has to drive down to North London for an afternoon appointment for work. Then he has to go back up to Coventry on Friday to see the outcome of the interviews! I dont know why they cant just phone him on Friday! Its a hell of a lot of driving!

John says if he gets a job we will be going away for the next bank holiday! yay!!

Laine xxx

Tuesday

2010-04-20T21:03:00.003+01:00

What a day!!

John is stressed! Too much to do and too much on his mind!

My friend nearly lost her dog in the woods but a kind builder found him!

My driver's door on my car had broken and once Im in the car I cant get out again unless I climb to the passenger side!

Good news: My friend, who nearly lost her dog, found me a man to fix my car, hopefully, and my friend will take me to work tomorrow! Phew!

My boots arrived from Ebay, too small! :(

Another warm day here again, sorry Stuart!

Laine x

Monday.

2010-04-19T17:42:00.002+01:00

OOOOOH naughty Stuart and Sara Sara!! Those photos are censored!!!! Ahem!!

Was back to work today. I didnt want to go back to work. Well nobody ever wants to go back to work after such a long holiday! It was lovely at work today though. I was outside most of the day with the children. I love this weather!! How lovely to be able to do lessons outside! yay!!! At lunchtime we played out on the grass and I got lots of daisy chains given to me! I likes my new jewellery, not sure it will last long though, bit wilted now! :(

John has had a little glimmer of hope. An old friend of his phoned him up about a job. So keep you fingers and toes and paws (if your a fur friend) crossed please!

When I got home from work John and I went for a walk down to the park. It was lovely to sit in the sun and watch the birds and the ducks. We saw three ducks chasing a rat too! That was quite funny! I never knew that ducks chased rats! The rat won though!

Yesterday John and I met up with his lovely daughter Emma for a picnic and a walk at Bedgebury Pinetum. . It was such a beautiful day and was so lovely to spend time with Emmy Em! She brought along with her some lovely Rocky Road biscuits she had made, click on me for the link of how to make them. Sam and I are going to go to Tesco later and get the ingredients so we can make them! I will have to be careful not to eat too many though. I dont want to put all my weight back on. Did I tell you I lost just over a stone in about three months! Im a whole dress size smaller!! Whoooooo!!!!

Anyways I off now to put the pizza in oven or we wont get any tea!

Laine xxx

Friday

2010-04-16T20:25:00.002+01:00

Oscar seems so much better today. No limp at all. So I havent taken him to the vets just yet but Im keeping a close eye on him. Going to the vets for Oscar is a big trauma! Just like us humans really, only we dont go to the vet do we!

Well we had a very important visitor to our little town of Hastings, Gordon Brown was here. But, I missed it as I was in Brighton visiting my mum and dad. He visited our local Tesco. Not that its that exciting news but thought I'd just tell you.

I had all my girlie friends round last night. 15 of them to be exact. I had an Ann Summers party. Sexy lingerie party! hee hee!! ;0) It was really good fun and exactly the tonic I needed. I did get a bit tipsy though.I wont tell you what I bought! But I really, really enjoyed myself! Also it meant my house got a good tidy up and even some dusty cobwebs got cleared away from corners! So I have a very clean and tidy spruced up lounge!

Sam went to a party last night. He came home quite tipsy. I was in bed when he came home but Joe told me he was. He is now in bed feeling poorly. I do worry about him when he goes to parties. Only because I remember what it was like when I was 16! Infact, he is going on 17 and its far too scary!!!

Thanks for your comments. Laine xxxx

Thank you

2010-04-15T02:06:00.003+01:00

Thank you all so much for your kind support, it really means so much to me.

John and I are feeling very positive. We are not going to get down and moody about this situation. Well, not just yet anyway. I think sometimes we may feel frustrated and its not going to be easy. But, we have talked about all the things that we could possibly do and infact it can be looked at as a new beginning. John feels very relieved in a way. He is trying to think of what else is out there for him to do. i will keep you posted on our siutation.

I have had a hospital date given to me for my nerve root block injections (or whatever its called). I will let you know def what its all about when I get my letter from the hospital. I really hope that these injections will do something. Agaiin, I am up at 2am and cant sleep because of the pain and pins and needles in my leg and foot. All caused because a little bit of my disc is touching the nerve in my spine. So anyway the date is May 4th. I have to be at the hospital by 8am. I will be in for the morning. The procedure only takes about 30 mins. I should be able to go back to work after a couple of days. All I want is for this to go away!

Went for so many walks today, well yesterday now I suppose! Seeing as Im now into Thursday already! My Oscar is 8 now and he does really well. But, I was a bit worried about him after so many walks. He seems to have trouble with his back leg after he has been laying down. It sort of nearly collapses on him but after about a minute its fine. I think if it carries on today then I will have to take him to the vets. Im worried that I overdid the walking. I had a brisk 40 min walk in the woods followed by a two hour leisurely walk on the beach. Im hoping I havent overdone it for the poor old fellow!

Laine xxxxxx

Uncertainty

2010-04-14T10:39:00.003+01:00

Well John had his meeting yesterday and was told that his job will come to an end at the end of May. So then he will be out of work. There is a very slight possibility that the company buying out his company may keep him on but that is just like clutching at straws. Its very unlikely but still a very tiny bit of hope.

John seemed quite philosophical about it last night. Im not sure how he is this morning. He went out at nine this morning to drop Sam into his college revision day and then he has gone for a walk. Probably to try clear his head.

I told Sam and Joe last night that they will have to give up guitar lessons for a while, amongst other things that will have to stop. The boys were really fine about it. They both did exams this weekend just gone, Sam did grade 3 and Joe did grade 4 so they have managed to get to really good grades and one day they may be able to progress further. I think that the majority of our youth of today really havent got a clue about what its like to go without. My boys have never ever gone without but I think very soon alot of younsters will begin to find out!

I think that big changes will have to be made. John said that his boss is beside himself as he has a high maintenance wife! Good job Im not one of them. I said to John well his wife will have to come down to reality then! Thats the trouble alot of people live in a world where they think they can have everything and used credit like theres no tomorrow. Im so glad we havent been like that or this would be much harder! John reckons we will be able to survive, paying mortgage etc. for the next six months. That gives him plenty of time to find something else and maybe expand his little business he has making stainless steel handles.

Im glad I got that off my chest, even if it doesnt make sense I feel better for saying it.

Laine xxx

Monday

2010-04-12T21:55:00.002+01:00

Beginning of another week.

Bit of a funny week this week. Im off work still but feel like I should be back by now. It seems a long holiday! This time next week though I will be thinking it wasnt such a long holiday! Mind you we will only be back six weeks and then we get another week off and we have two more bank holidays to come!

John's meeting tomorrow! He finds out what is in store. Job or not job. We will know tomorrow night!

I have booked an Ann Summers party for Thursday night. Invited all my girlie friends to come round and have a really good laugh. Ann Summer parties are always such a laugh. I felt I needed a good girly evening! Might even buy some nice undies!! Hee hee!!! But, the girl who hosts it has messaged me on facebook to say she cant do it! So she is going to find someone else to do it. Ive also sent a message to another friend that I know does them! Otherwise we will just have a girlie evening without the Ann Summers!

Today John didnt feel like working today with this meeting looming tomorrow. Infact none of his colleagues felt like working either. So we went over to Rye. A lovely little town not far from us. We walked round the streets and stopped for lunch. Lunch was a bit disappointing but it was nice to be out and about. And probably the last time we will go out for lunch. Things like that will have to stop!

Tomorrow Im going to cook a stew in the morning, beef stew! Or casserole I suppose as Im putting it in the slo-cooker! I will then be meeting up with my friend Carol and we will walk our doggies! Then in the evening I will go visit my friend Maria. I dont know if I told you or not but do you remember when my friend had a dog called Poppy. Well poor Poppy died a few months ago but Maria has got herself another doggy called Rocky. He is lovely but a bit lively! He is only a pup. We think he is only 18 months old. She got him from a place called Second Chance - its a rehoming centre for doggies.

Wednesday Im going to meet my friend Sue for the morning and then after that Im walking my doggy with my friend Lucy and her doggies. Lucy is the teacher of the class I work in and it will be so nice to see her outside of school.

Thursday Im spending the day with my god-daughter and her mummy and her gorgeous baby sister. We are going to have a go on the Wii fit!! Then thursday night is my girlie night!

Friday Im going to go visit my Mum and Dad. Looking forward to that!

Saturday is free, phew!

Sunday we are meeting John's daughter for a picnic. We are going to Bedgebury Pinetum which is a lovely man-made wooded area.

Then its back to school!!

Laine xx

Saturday

2010-04-10T15:16:00.002+01:00

It's a beautiful sunny day, I've been laying out in the sun on my sun lounger and soaking up the rays. It did get a bit chilly though, it's not like its really summer sun yet. It's ok to lay out there in jeans and fleecy top but too cold to put shorts on I think! I went out with all intentions of reading my book but I fell asleep. I needed the sleep though after not sleeping much in the last week.

I feel much better about my hospital visit today. I feel much more positive and hopeful that the injections will work. John doesnt feel so down about his job either. As Stuart says its not worth worrying about stuff til it happens really. He is right. Such a wise man our Stuart!

John is outside with his son Chris, they are fixing the front gate on the side of the house. Im at a bit of a loss as to what to do. There are lots of things I could be doing in the house but I really cant get motivated. Im quite sleepy actually. I did start taking my meds again last night and I slept like a rock. For the first time in ages. So why am I still sleepy now!

Im thinking of getting some conifers to put along a fence in our garden. The neighbours who back onto the fence keep kicking footballs at the fence and yesterday hit the fence so hard that it broke the fence. I dont see any point in paying out for new fencing there if they are going to abuse it so I was looking at conifers today, we could put them alongside the fence. They would hide the holes and they would also give us some privacy. They are £20.00 each! I know they can grow quite high but I would try keep them cut down. Something to think about when we can afford it.

Laine xxx

Hello

2010-04-09T19:08:00.003+01:00

Thank you all for caring so much. It really means alot! They say you always turn to an old friend when you have trouble and I did just that I turned to all of you. My lovely Jland people. Thank you.

This is how it went today.

First of all I was a bit fed up as I didnt see my usual consultant, he was there but I had to see his assistant. From that point I felt that I wasnt going to get the news I had hoped for. Actually, to be honest, I dont really know what I had hoped for. I can tell you that I was so nervous. I felt sick, I was shaking. I was in a right state! How stupid!!

Anyway, they showed me the MRI pictures and they explained that they didnt think at this point an operation would work, infact they said an operation could make me worse. They said that the disc that protruded before had sort of gone back in but was badly worn. There is another disc that protrudes a bit and is near the sciatic nerve. They said the sciatic nerve is reacting to it and that's what is causing me pain and discomfort in my leg and foot. They have offered me injections that will go deep into my spine and give me strong pain killers and anti-inflammatories. This will calm down the nerve and the pain should go. John asked about the longevity of the injections, her answer was that by the time the pain killers wear off then the nerve will have got used to the narrowing and it should then have calmed down by then. They are not sure about the pins and needles in my toes though. She sort of inferred that its probably too late for anything to be done about that. Like the damage is done! I was a bit cross because before the MRI my consultant had said that they could almost certainly get rid of the pins and needles too. It would just be the numbness that wouldnt disappear.

But at least its not as evasive as an operation and I will only be off work for a couple of days instead of six weeks. I just only hope it works! They will follow up after and help me get the strength back in my foot as it doesnt work properly. I cant keep sandals on or flip flops and I cant put any weight on it. I feel a bit down coz I never got definate answers but then I feel relieved coz I havent got to have an operation. At least they are doing something! I just cant help feeling like Ive been fobbed off. I asked what would happen if the injections dont work and she couldnt really answer. I actually think they dont really know what to do with me.

I asked what would I do if the pins and needles dont go away as they drive me mad at night and I dont want to be on medication forever. She said that it might only be a case of keeping on with the Amitryptiline.

I still feel like I dont really know whats happening. It could be up to 3 months before I get these injections done! They took an x-ray of my back today too so they can see what's happening with my bones. I should get the results of that in 14 days. I should hear within the week when my appointment will be for the injections.

Also today, John had a letter about his job. It was calling all Sales staff in for a meeting next Tuesday. It says that there is a proposal for another company to buy the division that John is in. They are basically being taken over. John knows the company in question and he knows that they wont take on the staff. So in a couple of months time John will almost certainly be out of a job. But we shall see, they may take on a few of them. Lets just hope! Hope is a big word of the day!

Zoe!!! So good to see you and thank you for your kind words.

Thank you.
Laine xxxx

Thursday

2010-04-08T21:48:00.001+01:00

Hello my lovely friends.

I do feels better today. I've had a lovely day and the sun has been shining all day.

Your right Stuart!!! I do love your phrase! I remember thinking about those words when I had my MRI scan. And its so true it does pass. This time tomorrow I will be writing to you and telling you all about my consultation and what the results are!!

Til tomorrow my friends. xxxxx

Wednesday

2010-04-07T19:45:00.002+01:00

You are all so kind, thank you.

I feel funny today. I had such a lovely weekend. John, Oscar and me. Just us and the numerous people in the New Forest of course! It's all back to normal now. John worrying about work and me worrying about John. Im fed up with being fed up! You go on a high and then when you hit the low its hard to get up again!

John can get his frustration and anger out in one go. It all comes out like a volcanoe - he erupts and then he feels better. I, on the other hand, get affected by this volcanoe and I have the smouldering lava on me for days! It takes me alot longer to shake it off. So then I go into a sulk worrying about him and he then wonders whats up with me. A viscious circle could then occur!

I've had a bit of a bad tummy today. I do get IBS when Im nervous. Im not consciously nervous about the hospital on Friday but I must be deep inside coz its affecting my bowels. Sorry! Prob too much information!

I will know Friday whats going to happen. Thats all I can think about at the moment. I just want to know now!

Sorry Im being very down.

Stuff

2010-04-06T12:59:00.002+01:00

Ive got the hospital on Friday - I should at last find out what can be done for me concerning my back! Im bloody nervous! Dont mind admitting that! I keep having nightmares about the operation - I might not even have an operation! Who knows - it will all be found out on Friday and I will let you know!

John and I have spend the Easter weekend in the New Forest. It was really lovely. I enjoyed seeing the ponies and the donkeys. I loved seeing cows walking down the High Street in Beaulieu! Ive got some photos and will put them on soon.

Sorry Ive not been writing much. I sort of keep losing the will to do it! Not good I know!!

Laine xxxxx

I tried!

2010-02-28T18:08:00.005Z

Ive tried to do an entry several times in the last few days and gave up as it kept disappearing! I got fed up I did!

Ive been in pain again. But, Im hoping that my MRI scan date will come through soon then the consultant can go ahead with my operation!

Ive been wondering what to do with my life. Sounds strange I know. Well you are probably thinking to yourselves, well she has just got herself that job she always wanted, and I have and Im really happy there. There are issues but there are in any job. You see, John's job is looking very dicy lately, he could lose it at any time and also he is very very miserable as he works so hard but his colleagues seem to always do things wrong to make his work fail or make John look stupid. Long story so wont go into it but the upshot is that weve got to think of someway for John to leave work and be happy!

Lots of options:

He could concentrate on his business for selling handles. He makes and sells stainless steel handles but he only does it very part-time at the moment. He has all the machinery and he has perfected the handles. He does have one buyer that is reliable too. The only thing about doing it full-time is that he is worried that a) he might not get more customers, b) he might hurt his back doing it full-time (coz his back is dodgy) and c) it will be very hard-going at first money wise. Advantages, he would stop hating Sunday evenings and Monday mornings, he would not be bored anymore, he would work for himself, he would be happier!

He would have to think of other things to do as well as the handles. The thing is we do not have any savings and have some debt so it would be hard to just get rid of the day job. If his job did come to an end then we would be forced into doing something.

Now, if John does decide to work for himself I may start thinking of things that I could do too. We are both fed up being in the rat-race. You know, like being governed by other people, rules and regulations. At the moment we find that the weekends are so precious but go much too quickly. Im ok once I get to work, I do love my job but I love John more and want him to be happy, I want us both to enjoy life! Life is so short. There are so many things I want to do!

Here is a list of options for me for working from home;

Be a foster carer (well both John and I want to do that) we have discussed at length and really miss our children being little. I would love to give children the love that we have to give. I know it wouldnt be easy but it would be very rewarding too.
be a respite carer,
be a doggy boarder, look after people's doggies when they on holiday or at work, a dog-walking service maybe (not possible til Ive had me op though)
Start up a shop on Ebay, I want to start a craft shop, scrap-booking materials etc.
Breed Golden Retrievers.
Some sort of social care work, with children who need time out and someone to talk to.
An art group for local community.
Parent and Toddler art group, or art group for kids.
Set up my own cleaning business.

So you see I have lots to think about.

John's brother recently was made redundant and he got a good pay-out so he is able now to do things that he likes doing, he has set up an ebay shop, his wife helps out with it too. His wife has her own cleaning/ironing business. He also trades on the stock exchange. He also has trained to be a driving instructor. His life is so so much happier now. He no longer dreads Sunday nights and Monday mornings. It was great to see them so happy. Oh I best give you a link for their shop!

It's Butterfly Nest Interiors.

Also, my brother gave up his job through ill-health and he now runs his own business as a painter and decorator. He is soooooo much happier. Makes you think though doesnt it!

I think we have to do something soon before John has a nervous break-down!

Thanks for listening.
Laine xxxxx

Monday

2010-02-22T17:07:00.002Z

OOOOH look at me two days in a row and Im here!

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am pleased something is being done about my back. Im a little scared though but at the same time pleased! Just have to wait for date for MRI first.

Was back at work today. All back to school! Awwww its test week this week and I have to get my little ones to do tests and I cant help them! I hate tests I do! My little group did really well and worked very hard, not very high scores but they tried their bestest! It all helps so we know what level they are at and what has gone into those tiny little minds. They do have to learn so much!

Tomorrow is Tuesday and Tuesday is one of my favourite days. We have the storyteller on a Tuesday. He is brilliant and funny and the children love him! He makes us laugh, he makes us sing, we sing about everything. We go walking in the woods and we talk about birds and creatures that live in the woods but he does it in a story way and gets the children all involved. The little boy that I look after who has autism absolutely loves the story man. When we went for a walk in the woods 'E' held Kevin's hands and told him that he was keeping them warm for him. Such a lovely thing to do! Story man is called Kevin!

Rain! Rain! and yet more rain!! We have big big huge, huge, lake like puddles in the roads! So bad that I thought my car would drown!

My car has her MOT tomorrow, please pray peoples coz she needs to pass as I forgot MOT is due by 26th Feb! And Tax is due for end of Feb! So I really dont want it to fail tomorrow!

We have a lady at work whose birthday it is on 29th Feb!! Well!! How about that! She doesnt get to have her actual birthday very often. She celebrates on the 28th. I think I would celebrate on two days!

Laine xxxx

Sunday

2010-02-21T18:15:00.004Z

Its my mum's birthday tomorrow. So today we went there for a nice Roastie din dins and lovely apple crumbly and custard! It was so yummy! Im still filled up and its past tea-time. I do like going to dinner at my mum and dad's and then afterwards snuggling on the sofa with the sunday papers and maybe a little kip!

I made my mum's card. Some of you have already seen it on Facebook. I felt like being Arty again, havent been arty farty for a long time. I got my watercolour paints out and did this;

It looks quite nice on my mum's mantelpiece.

Its back to work tomorrow after a lovely long week off. I dont hate my job though. With my job you never ever know what's going to happen from one day to the next. How can you with 4/5/6 yr olds! Bless them!

I see the weather says raining all week! I hope not! I do despise wet play! Its much better when the kids can get out and let the wind in their hair and have a good play!

Thanks for reading!
Laine xxxxxx

My back

2010-02-20T19:16:00.002Z

I went to the hospital yesterday to see doc about my back. I had put it off for so long. I do have a fear of hospitals and doctors, they intimidate me, they dont mean to its just the way I feel. Anyway, I shouldnt have worried, he was brilliant! He understood how I was and has booked me an MRI scan. Once he has assessed the scan he thinks that I will prob be best to have an operation then all them pins and needles that keep me awake at night should be gone! And the pain should be gone too!!! He said the numbness will stay but I dont mind that!! Im just glad that Im now in the system and things will be done!

Have had a lovely week off, its been half-term. Back to work on Monday, only five weeks though and then its another two weeks off for Easter! Yay!!!! Where is the time going?

Sposed to snow again tonight! Not sure if we will get any! I hope it snows on Sunday night then we can have an extra day off school!

Ive bought a new game for my DS! I know Im just a big kid! Ive got Zelda Spirit Tracks. Its hard though!!

Going to see my Mum and Dad tomorrow, its my mum's birthday on Monday. I made her a very special card, its not a special birthday but I just felt like it! I painted a little picture then mounted it on to diff coloured card, it looked quite good! OOOOH Im all arty again!

Catch you all very soon.
Love Laine xxxx

Good news.

2010-02-07T18:30:00.002Z

I had a really really good email appear in my inbox today. Yes I did! Do any of you remember Debbie, Essex Girl from AOL journals? Well I sent her an email the other day and she replied! Was so pleased to hear from her! And ever better, she is thinking of coming back to journals, so when she does I'll let you all know her link and we can welcome her back.

Laine on a Thursday.

2010-02-04T17:04:00.003Z

Thank you all for your lovely comments. Yes Stuart if this cough does carry on I'll go to docs. The thing is its so hard to get an appointment it could be gone by the time I do! Alot of people have said to me that this cold has left them with a cough for weeks!

OOOOOOOOH look at me blogging again! I feel all happy and settled. It feels like that little piece that was missing is now found and it feels good!

Thursdays is a good day! :) A happy day for me! See! I likes Thursdays! Thursdays I finish work at 1.15. Thursdays I go visit my friend Tania and her little 7 week old baby Isabella! (Obviously 8 weeks ago it was just Tania!). ~Awwww Isabella is such a cutie! Bless her. Thursdays I go to a course in the evenings with my bestest friends! It's a course called 'Parents surviving teenagers'. Its really good. There are about 12 of us on the course. I dont really know why Im going as my boys are good really. Last week our homework was to spend an hour with each teen, one to one. Joe was so excited about this. A whole hour uninterrupted! He got me to play PS3 with him, FIFA10! And he got to play it on MY PS3 too! He said to me that if Sam didnt want his hour he could have two! Made me feel guilty that maybe I dont spend enough time with him! Awww! Sam wasnt really so bothered about it, he said well we are going to my parent's evening, we could do that! He said he couldnt think of anything to do! Sam is 16 and Joe is 14 - what a difference two years makes! Sam and I did get our hour together though, after parents evening I took him out for something to eat. I think he liked that. You can never tell!

I think this course will be really good, its made me realise that my boys are angels - of course they get moody, they moan and they are lazy and they are untidy and they hate washing up and they hate getting up! They are teenagers! But they dont ever, ever, hit me, shout at me, abuse me, disrespect me or anything like the other parents have to put up with! My boys still like a good cuddle and some of the other parents said their teenagers wont even talk to them. So I am very, very lucky! I do want to understand my teenage boys though so I think this course will be good to help me understand them and their moods. The reasons why they lie and why they have to lay in and why they cant tidy up etc. etc.

Anyway, I'll let you know how tonight's session goes!

Laine xxx

Cough that wont go away!

2010-02-03T22:38:00.004Z

Well I'm now on day 12 of my cold.

Horrible nasty cough now that wont go away! Its annoying! Its irritating! Its horrible!!!! When will it go?

Apart from my cough, Ive had an alright day today. Work was good, the children were good. Mrs Sayers had to get a bit cross sometimes, yes! I have started to get my confidence and get cross with the kids. I found that hard at first. Its easier when you know them though.

My little group of children were like little angels today. My little 'E' the boy with autism was my little star today, he was. He sat still and listened the whole way through group. I do like a sort of nuturing group with six children that, well, need nuturing basically. ~They find it hard to share, play properly, interact, behave etc. etc. I have a puppet, who is Ginger Bear and we call it the Ginger Bear group. I love my lil group.

I was chatting today to the TA who I will be with in September, she is preparing herself for the lil challenges I will bring with me into year two! I'm actually looking forward to working with her as we get on really well. But, thats not til September, long way off yet! One of the teacher's said to me the other day how great it was that they will all get me eventually as I move through the school with my boys. I hope I can stay with them to year 6 but Im thinking that I may only stay in this job for a couple of years. I want to either train to be a teacher or become a TA. I'll see how it goes.

Im sorry I havent gotten round to read all your journals yet. Ive visited a few and I will get round to you all in time. So good to see I still have readers after all this time. I want to enjoy blogging again, I am at the moment!

Had some good news today, My aunty Pat, my Mum's sister, had an aortar valve replacement today, I dont know how to spell it sorry! But its the main valve in the heart. The tried to do it before Christmas but she had a massive bleed so whe was very nervous this time. It went well though! So Im so pleased. All she has to do now is recover. She will be 80 next month! This valve will really make a difference to her life and things she will be able to do again. Im off to visit her on Saturday.

I bought an Easter Egg yesterday for a pound! A pound! Couldnt resist it!

Bye for now.
Love Laine xxxx

Im here again!

2010-02-01T18:52:00.014Z

Wow!!!! It took me missions to get back into blogger! Missions!! I had to create a google account, thats how long ago it was that I last came in here! In fact the last time I wrote in here I had just been for interview and been told I had got my job.

Well, Ive now been at my job for like 3 months now! I do like it! Its had its ups and downs and its hard settling in to a new job. Getting to know people, getting to know the kids! The first obstacle is learning all their names - that seemed to come over a couple of weeks. Im now trying to learn every child in the school - as Im with the whole school at lunch times. Im getting there! I hate not knowing their names!

Why have I come back? Hmmmm? Well I've missed writing. I've missed reading! I've missed all of you! I do see a lot of you on Facebook. Im kinda bit tired of Facebook now though. Its annoying! Annooooooyyyyying! I feel happy writing again! I do hope someone reads this! This feels so much more personal than Facebook. Im not sure whether to advertise my blog on facebook tonight or not.

Now, Ive had a cold for the last ten days! It does not want to go! I had to take last Friday off work. Its been a very nasty cold. Ive still got a sore throat and loads of cattarh - where does it all come from?? ewwwwwwwwww!!!

Now to update you on my working days! I'm an Individual Needs Assistant and I work in a class with Reception/Year 1 children. They are age 4-6. Lovely kids! I look after a child with autism (E), a child with behaviour problems (c) and a boy with speech and language difficulties (cc). I best not put their real names! I love them all! They are a challenge but they are just such sweet little boys. (E), the boy with autism makes me smile everyday. I hate making him do writing and sums though when he's not feeling up to it, some days he is up to it and its brilliant but other days there are distractions and he just doesnt want to do it. I dont like to force him. I like it now that he trusts me, it took a while for us to get to know each other. He likes electricity and light-bulbs, they are his most favourite things in the whole world! He always likes to turn the lights on and off, he likes also to open the doors with my magic key. Im sure I will have some stories to tell you about E!

C has behaviour difficulties and can be a right little pickle! I do find it hard to tell him off because he is such a sweet little character and his sense of humour is brilliant! Im getting stronger with him now that my confidence is growing. We sometimes go and do jobs just the two of us and he loves that, we have a special dinosaur game we play if he gets his jobs done on time. (jobs are a way of getting littlies to do their school work!)

CC is just a little gem, he is a sweetie, I love my sessions with him. The other two boys I work with are year 1 but CC is Reception so he is the youngest I look after. I take him out for speech and language sessions and once a week I have a lady come in and help me. I met CC's mum the other day and had a good chat with her. It really helps to know the child's mum and it also helps the child's mum to know me too I think.

I found it hard settling in as the TA in my class is a bit wary of me, to be understood I think as I am a friend of the teacher! But she is coming round a bit now, Im giving her time and space and Im respecting her position in the classroom, I didnt want to think I was there to take over her job or anything like that.

Well I think Ive written enough for now, Ill write some more. Im not going to say tomorrow, coz I dont want to disappoint you if I dont do it tomorrow, but I will write again.

Love Laine xxxx

Oh what a day!!!

2009-10-07T20:06:00.003+01:00

Hey everyone!! Im doing a hen tree - I am coz Sara said I shud!

I got me a new job today!!! Yay I did!! A beautiful lil country village school and they want me!! Me!!!! Whoooooo! Im so pleased!

I had the interview this morning - first of all two lovely children took me round on a tour of the school - I so enjoyed it. They were fantastic kids! Then I had to sit with a group of children, one being the little boy I will be supporting and we did an activity together for about ten minutes! The little boy that I will be working with tried to give me a kiss when I left him!! AWWWWW!!
Then I had the interview, lots of questions to answer and I was able to answer them all! I was so so nervous though and my mouth went dry. They kindly had water readily available - I thought that was nice - never known that before at an interview - coz your mouth does go dry with nerves!

It's such a lovely school - it's a teacher's dream of a school! It's only got about 20 children in each class and only has four classes! Its a very old victorian school and it is run by Church of England and the lovely church is just opposite the school. The school hall is the village community hall! It's just so lovely!

I know the teacher too! She is really lovely and I worked with her at Robsack Wood - and my boys had her as a teacher when they were little - they love her too! She said I was her first choice and that she has never seen little Callum try to kiss anyone before - she said that he has chosen me too!

I will be looking after two little boys - I didnt meet the other boy - he has autism, Callum has speech and language, communication problems. Awwwww he was lovely. Im so so pleased! I am, I am!!!

Oh, and I have a new hair do!!!!

Laine xxxxx

Part two - job loss

2009-09-28T19:30:00.002+01:00

Anyway, what was I saying. Oh yeah, right so here I am at the office on my own as everyone else had gone home, feeling very sorry for myself. Anyway, I got packed up pretty early and I left the office just before six, or so I thought! I did meet some visitors in the car park and took them to the bar. They were happy enough. I was just glad to get home and tell John all about my horrible day.

So we get to Tuesday. My boss wasnt there when I arrived and she had left me a really long complicated booking to do. Probably to see if I could cope with it or not! Anyway, on her desk was a not to say I had left at 5.45pm the night before. I put a little yellow sticky on saying, I left at two minutes to six with an exclamation mark. Oh dear, I was in trouble again. Then I said out loud to Gill, I think it's get at Laine week! Then I felt a bit fed up and kept makng mistakes. Some Sales guy phones up and actually got me to stupidly buy labels for the franking machine, I thought that the franking machine had some sort of service where we got the labels! When the invoice came in on the fax I was like, yikes! Ive been taken in by the sales guy. So I immediately rang them back to cancel and guess what???? The office was closed! What a surprise! Anyway, I faxed back the company and asked them to cancel the order. Then I left it on another colleagues desk so they could see what I had done the next morning.

So Wednesday morning comes! Im at my cleaning job and my mobile goes, it's my boss. The gentleman I clean for said use my phone Laine and phone her back. Well, she let rip into me didnt she!! She had a go at me for leaving early on the Monday, apparently everything went wrong and she had to be called and I was in big trouble. She told me I was unprofessional and people were still arriving and I shouldnt have left early! I said, sorry I wasnt myself, I didnt realise the time, she said to me that's something a child would say! She then told me off for leaving the note for Gill about the labels order! I said I didnt leave it for her to do - I left it to inform her what I had done. Then I had a lecture about how we shouldnt be taken in by Sales guys, etc. etc. She then said that I was out of order for texting the other co-worker regarding the misunderstanding about the swapped shifts etc. I was then told that the office wasnt a playground and that Im not to gossip. Im to stop messaging people. Im to stop talking to house-keeping and that I had said stuff that she had told me in confidence. She said she couldnt trust me anymore!! Honestly, thats not all of it! It goes on and on!!

When I came off the phone I was in floods of tears and shaking! How dare she speak to me like that! Fair enough I had made mistakes. Oh and remember I had said I think its get at Laine week, well that was reported back to her!

Anyway, I talked and talked to John about it and my friends. I was going to go back in on the Friday and just ignore it all. But on the Thursday I broke down - I was shaking and I couldnt eat.
I could not go back there! Not after all that was said. And what if another interview came up. How would I go and I didnt want to go through all that again! So I phoned up HR Manager, I couldnt talk as I was too upset. But John took the phone and he spoke instead. We sent in my letter of resignation and it said that my position in the office had become untenable. And as for my notice I was ill!

I really thought I would get a phone call from them. But nothing! Not a bean! So there you have it! Im out of work!

Phew! Sorry that was so long.

Laine xxxx

Here I am again

2009-09-28T19:10:00.005+01:00

Here I am again! Bet you thought I wouldnt come back. Not sure whether to keep blogging or not! But hey whilst Im here pull up a chair and listen to what's happened to me in the last week or two!

Been a bit eventful I must say! Since I last wrote Ive lost my job. Well say lost, I actually resigned. Was a bit of a shock as I have worked for the holiday village, on and off, for about 7 years. It all started a couple of weeks ago when I very stupidly confided in a colleague that I was looking for another job! Never do that! I repeat never do that! Even if you think you know the person really well!! I asked her to swap shifts with me as I had applied to a local school for Specials Needs Assistant and the interviews were to be held on 18th september, a Friday. She works all day on a Thursday and I did Fridays so it was simple we just swapped. Anyway, I didnt get the interview! I never found out until the Thursday so I couldnt swap back. So I took the opportunity to go visit my Mum and Dad. Very silly of me then to put 'looking forward to seeing my mum and dad tomorrow' as my status on facebook!! (oh, and the explanation I gave to my boss for swapping shifts was that I had to take boys up to London!)

Anyway, we gets to Monday and Im called in to the office to discuss my hours! Anyway, my boss asks me about Friday. Where were you really as if you swap shifts with someone you should be truthful as to why or they wont do it again! So I said I took boys to London then went to see my Mum and Dad. My boss said well it doesnt fit as lots of people saying you are doing different things. She then preceded to tell me that she didnt think I could cope with my work, especially when its busy in the mornings! I was devastated as I think of myself as a very efficient worker and consider myself highly intelligent! She then said that my hours could not change and I had to work afternoons and every other Saturday, I had no choice. (She had changed my hours a few weeks ago, by letter just before she went on holiday and not face to face!).

Anyway, on said Monday I had to work til 6.00pm - people were arriving for their holidays. I was not myself, I let down by my co-worker for spilling beans to my boss as co-worker had obviously seen my status on facebook then moaned about me to the boss. She knew that I was looking for a job but she still did it! Also that I wasnt very good at my job! Gosh are you still with me? Not sure I am! Anyway part two will follow - Im worried that this isnt going to save. Laine xxxxxx

It really is me!

2009-09-16T01:29:00.002+01:00

Yikes!!! I havent been in here for sooooo long!!! I feel good to be here!

When times change in my life I seem to come back here! I really dont know why I stopped writing! It has never been the same since AOL times! But thats not really a good enough excuse! I feel like Ive come back to a long lost friend. A friend that knows you will always come back and doesnt get moody coz youve been doing other things.

Facebook! It seemed to take me over for a while! Ive got over that now. I only visit it from my iphone now! I dont do the app things and I dont play Bejewelled as much. In other words I dont have to rely on Facebook anymore! Phew!!! For one minute I thought that I had an addiction! May be I did!! Coz everytime I turned on the computer I was compelled to press that Facebook icon every bloody time! Sometimes I would just stare at it and wait for something to happen! I ended up hating it. I do hate it! But I like to just now and then see how people are. I now refuse though to tell the whole world about what's going on in my house. It's somehow better here! Here is where I should be! I actually went for 4 weeks without even switching my laptop on! I didnt miss it! I dont need it! iphone though - needed!! That novelty not yet worn out!

How are you all then? What you been up to? Im soooooooooo looking forward to eventually catching up with some of ya!!! Be warned though I could disappear again! I dont even know what Im going to do myself!

I mentioned a change in my life! Well Im hoping a change is going to occur! Im looking for a job in a school. Ive applied for one already and am applying for four more!!! The one I have already applied for, which Im waiting eagerly for an interview date, is at a school thats right next door to the boys school. Thats for a Teaching Assistant and Play Leader. 9.00 to 3.00 every day! Then the other four are all with SEN children. The one I really really want is a job with a child on the Autistic Spectrum and an child with speech and communication disabilities. Its at a lovely little village school and I know the teacher so it would be brill!!! fingers crossed!!!!

My present job has changed. My hours have changed and I wasnt really consulted about it. I do really horrible hours and have to work on a Saturday once a fortnight too which Im not impressed with at all! Its time for me to leave there and get on with the career I have wanted for so long, to become a teacher.

Anyways, Im gonna read a bit of my book before bed! Its actually 1.40am in the morning and I really cant sleep so thats why Im here! My book is fantastic and I recommend it! The Book Thief by Markus Zusak!

Night xxxxx

Ages

2009-05-15T23:11:00.004+01:00

It's ages since I posted in here! I wonder if anyone is still here? Are you here? I know that you might be! I feel the journal thing is like going by the by. Im certainly not posting as much as I did. Over a month since I last posted.

In the time I've been away my Mum has had cancer in her colon and that nasty cancer has been taken away! She had her operation last week and it was the size of an apple! She is on the mend now and recovering really well. Its a wonder what they can do now and that this cancer was found in time before it spread! They assure us that there is no more cancer left. phew!

I think facebook is the culprit. I spend alot of time on facebook and hence why I dont come in here anymore.

Ive got a new laptop! It's shiny and new it is! Im still having trouble getting used to it though! Its a Dell Inspiron and it's cherry red!! Gawjuss!!! It's bloomin vista though! Im used to xp and I miss my xp!! I dont like this vista, it keeps doing things that I dont know what its doing kind of thing!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Laine x

Sad

2009-04-01T19:58:00.003+01:00

Im sad and you are who I turn to. I need to talk to you my lovely journal friends.

Im worried at the moment. Im worried for my Aunty Pat, who is 79 and has just found out that the main arteries to her heart are bad, well one is not good anymore at all and the other is in a really bad state. At 79 the thought of open heart surgery is very scary and because she had deep thrombosis in her legs before the the veins cant be used from her legs. She has not had a lot of luck with heart procedures in the past. The last time they went in through the top of her thigh they ripped the line out and left her with a really bad infection that lasted 6 months. There are a few options for her but she keeps looking at all the negatives. It would be a big thing for her to have open heart surgery and very hard to recover from. The doctor said that he will look at using a vein from her arm or going in through the vein at the top of her leg like last time. She goes back to the surgeon next week to discuss the options. She is my Mum's sister and my mum will go with her.

But, my mum has a worry of her own. She has hidden it from me lately but she has had a colonoscopy or whatever you call it and they have found a growth in her colon. She she will have to have an operation. They say it is treatable. Im worried for both my Mum and my Aunty. My Mum's heart isnt the healthiest of hearts either, she has had angina attacks in the last two years.

Just wanted to share this with you.
Laine xxxxx

Bejewelled Tuesday!

2009-03-31T20:26:00.004+01:00

Firstly, I have a bone to pick with a certain Sara Sara, where are you Sara Sara? Now come on out behind that comfy chair!! Come on! You know what you has done dont you! Well she has only gone and beaten my top score in Bejewelled!!! So Sara Sara your not allowed to play it anymore, ok? Just til I gets to beat your score anyways LOL!!! Im only jealous!!! hee hee

Has anyone read any of James Patterson's books. Im thinking of getting his new one. Can't remember what its called though, 8th Confessions or something like that. Saw it advertised in London today.

Yes, the boys and I went up to London today for their check up at the London College Hospital. Sam is doing amazingly well and has grown 12cms in the last year! Joe's growth has slowed down a bit so they are going to sort out a new dose for him. They both had to have bloods done and were brave as usual! They kinda used to it by now. Joe's been having bloods and tests all his life! But he still gets scared - dont blame him though.

After the hospital we went to Covent Garden - it was really buzzing there! I dont like the crowds though - the people get on my nerves. Im forever scowling at people for being so rude! I dont do crowds! And nobody smiles anymore!! The best bit of Covent Garden was the street entertainers, there everyone is smiling - they are brilliant. Sam and Joe loved them. Then we walked down to Trafalgar Square and then to Charing Cross where we got our train. I really know that part of London now quite well so can get myself around easily. Sam wanted to go to the Science museum but Joe didnt. So Im going to take Sam up there another day, just the two of us.

I need you all to send me your email addresses in readiness for me going private. My email is elainey2465@aol.com. Most of you know that already but just in case some dont. I think I do need your email to add you to my private list. I will go private in a bout a week's time.

Laine xxxx

Sunday

2009-03-29T18:07:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone, now how was your weekend. I know Sara Sara would have had a good one!! hee hee!! How about the rest of you?

I worked yesterday til five. It was very quiet yesterday, hence why I had time to write in my journal. It's nice when I can do that at work.

Today John was busy - he has decided to build a wall out the front! Don't even ask!!! He still hasnt finished the bathroom he started in July last year yet!!! Grrrrrr!!!! Oh well, enough said on that.

Anyway, I was feeling lonely so I phoned my friend Jane and asked if she was in for a cuppa and a chat. She was! Yay!! I went there at 12.30 (really 11.30 my body thought it was!). Then I had to pick Joe up in town at 2.00 so she and her son came with me. Her son Robert went off to the Sports Direct with Joe and Jane and I mused round the shops looking for craft ideas. We are both quite crafty, hee hee!!! We would both love to start up our own business making toys and stuff!! Awww it would be fab!! As, Hastings is Hastings, there wasnt much open and not much crafty stuff about. So we went into our ever favourite Waterstones and looked at the craft books. There is sooooooooooo much craft stuff to choose from!!! All this needlework stuff and making stuff made me yearn for a sewing machine again. Anyway, I gets home and tells John and he said why not buy one!! yay!!!! This is what I have in mind - so need your advice on which one is best - I dont have a big budget only want to spend about £150. It's a Brother ES2020 and it comes with lots of bits - click on the pic and see what you think!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monetise??????

2009-03-28T14:34:00.003Z

Does anyone know what the monetise button thingy does on the Dashboard!! OOOH does it mean that your blog will be like a Monet painting if you press it? Hee hee!!!

I haven't gotten around to privatising my blog yet but I will do. When I have time.

I am at work today and we are very bored as it is very quiet - but then suddenly it can go quite busy. I have been here since nine and I finish at five. Its only 2.30 now! The time seems to be going quite slowly here today!!

I felt quite poorly last night. Dont know if it was trapped wind or my IBS or what. But the pain was incredible. I was doubled over with it and didnt know what to do. Did I sit on the loo, did I lay down, did I walk about! I really didn't know what was best. In the end I just went to bed and rubbed my tummy til it calmed down. I think there was a fight going on in there - a really fisty cuffs fight and they must have been using knifes as well coz it did hurt lots!!!! Anyway those aliens seem to have gone out of my tummy today and its not so bad! Naughty aliens!

Sam and Joe had their guitar exams this morning. I phoned them to see how they got on and they said that they felt it was easy! So I hope they passed. I cant afford to send them to the next lot of ten lessons. So I am going to save up for them to start again in September. I really want them to be able to do what they love doing!

I might make a little bed under my desk in a minute and curl up and go to sleep! Do you think anyone would notice? hmmmm now where is the blanket?

Monday

2009-03-23T19:09:00.002Z

Hmmmm I don't even know how to start today. This is probably going to go into a right load of waffle. I feel a bit wierd. I can't even put my finger on how I feel - just wierd! I'm thinking of making my journal private and choosing my readers. Only because I don't really get time to visit all the people who visit me and I don't want to give up my journal completely either. I also just want to keep it to a few - I'm not making sense am I! I don't even know what Im on about!

My pain has been bad. Very bad - I don't like it. It's so intermittent though. I can go all day with no pain at all and then suddenly it will appear in the evening. I can never work out what I do to make it bad. It's such a wierd thing - there is that word again, wierd, must be my word of the day. Last night was my worst for ages - its like someone has a red hot poker and they are gouging my foot out but like every ten seconds then it goes then it comes back. I took loads of tablets - all they did was make me feel drowsy this morning! If it carries on til the end of the week then I will go back to the Doctor. It's just that last time I was under the hospital they said there was nothing else they could do! I might have to go though as I don't think I can stand much more of it!

Wouldn't it be good to be complete happy. No worries, everything simple, no stress! I'd like to float on a fluffy white cloud and the sun would shine on me and make me feel all nice and warm. I would float past other clouds and I would see Stuart, Sara, Mr B and Joany Joan and they would wave at me. We would have conversations and then just float on again. With no care in the world! Wouldnt that be nice.

Laine xxx
P.S. I saw Marley and Me and I sobbed and sobbed!

Excited but in pain!

2009-03-19T12:08:00.003Z

Well it's my own fault really. Shouldn't have given in and gone on quad bikes! It's irritated my bulging disc in my back and hence then irritated the nerve. It's not really, really bad but bad enough to be annoying and they sent me home from work as they could see it was annoying me. Well my own fault - I won't be doing anything like that again now will I!!! Grrrr I hate it that my body restricts me doing things that everybody else seems to be able to do with no problem!! By the way all my facebook buddies dont mention my back on facebook my Dad wont be best pleased!!! Thats the trouble with facebook people you dont want to know stuff find out stuff!!

Now I am sort of excited. Well Im very excited actually. What it is John and I decided to book tickets to go see Take That at Wembley. but, we have booked a hotel package as we couldnt get hold of tickets any other way. They are all sold out!! But the hotel packages arent sold out! John was a bit worried about booking as he could lose his job anyday now. I was like well if we dont book it now we never will and life is too short to not do these things! Bit extravagant really! I'm really excited but I then I feel guilty because we can't really afford it. But, John and I both really love Take That and we havent got anything else to look forward to. Anyway on 4th July we will be raving away at the Take That concert in Wembley stadium!!! Can't believe it!!!!!!! I think it is going to be an incredible show! And, the hotel, wow the hotel is The Grosvenor in London!!! whooooooo!! Awwwwww Im glad we have booked it - too much doom and gloom at the moment so it's nice to have something to look forward to!!

Laine xxxxx

Quad Biking!!!!

2009-03-18T18:13:00.003Z

Well I did it!! It was absolutely terrifying but I did it! I feel quite proud of myself! I was the slowest and I held everyone up. It was so scary though - I kept thinking I was going to come off all the time! I even refused at one point to go down a really steep hill that led into a big ditch and then you had to come out of the ditch and full throttle up the other side which was very muddy indeed. The guide came and talked me through it and I did it! But I didnt think I would.

Worried

2009-03-17T10:17:00.003Z

Hmmmm just got a letter from the school - Sam is not doing enough work for his photography GCSE - how do you motivate 15 year olds! I thought he was ok - he kept bringing a camera home from school - he kept borrowing mine and he assured me he was doing homework. I get a letter today from his tutor to say that he isnt doing enough work and he is very behind!

He is also very behind with other subjects too - I keep on at him all the time. I ask him if he has homework - I can't physically get hold of him and make him do it!

Do I stop him going out? Do I ground him? John says that won't do any good - if he's not motivated he won't do it and he can only help himself - all I can do is encourage him. I think I will ban him from the computer this week - and he is forever texting his friends. That's what 15 year olds do! Why they make them do so many GCSEs so early I dont know! It used to be in the last year of school - now they start them at 14! My Joe starts his next year too! I must say though that my Joe is much more motivated and gets on with things.

I'm worried about Sam - help!!!!!!!!

Laine xxxx

Monday

2009-03-16T18:46:00.002Z

Had a great weekend.

Met up with Emma (step-daughter) yesterday, John, Chris and I. We went to a nice little pub just outside Maidstone. And hour and half it took for food to arrive!! Grrr They did say it would be a long time! But and hour and a half for ploughmans! Grrrrrr

Went to work today. Had a good morning. Heard today that we have to try out quad bikes on Wednesday! We are now having quad bikes and archery and laser quest. I cant wait to try them all out!! You see we cant sell them to our guests unless we have done it ourselves!! yay!!!!!

Oscar had a lovely birthday - he loves his new toy - will try post a pic of it soon before he rips it to shreds!

Im off now to have apple crumble that Joe made at school. Wish me luck!

Laine xxxx

Saturday

2009-03-14T11:43:00.003Z

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for all visiting me and welcoming me back to Journals.

This week was a really good week. It was good to start back at Crowhurst Park, it was good to start back at Creative Writing and it was good to feel like me again!

Even John and I became alot closer again this week. We had drifted apart a bit just lately. Not in a bad way. I always love him dearly, he always loves me dearly. But we had both been tired, full of colds and stressed with work and our relationship seemed to come last. It's not good when it gets like that. I think he doesnt want me, he thinks I dont want him. Its silly! Why do we do that? Of course we want each other! Still, we had lots of cuddles this week and lots of talking and we are ok again. I think relationships are hard and you have to work on them even when you love each other dearly! We are going to make sure we keep cuddling - nothing like a cuddle to make you feel better!

This morning Im chilling out, reading a new book. It's a real easy going book - a Marian Keyes book - she is really light-hearted, chatty and funny. Sometimes I like reading books like that, the one's that you could almost read it all in one sitting. My brain doesnt have to work too much!

I bought a new game for my DS, Millionheir, I dont think I like it. Well I keep playing it and hoping something different will happen but it doesnt. You have to look for clues to solve a mystery. Its just that! Thats all you do is search for things. I much prefer Professor Layton because that is more challenging for my brain!

My doggy is 7 today!!! Bless him, Happy Birthday Oscar.

Wednesday

2009-03-11T10:04:00.002Z

I'm happy.

I like my job. Everyone welcomed me back with opened arms.

I can now appreciate how good my job is having worked somewhere else. I think that that is a gift to be able to have the chance to appreciate what you have.

Today is my day off. I am going out for a walk with my dog and my best friend this morning. The sun is shining and I have creative writing class this afternoon.

I feel like I'm back to normal again!

Laine xxxxx

This time Im back for good.

2009-03-08T09:49:00.004Z

Hello! Do you remember me? It's been so long!

Marie commented on my blog and asked how I'm doing and I realised that I hadn't been writing for so long now and let you all know what's happening in my life. Well here we go ................

I finished at the CSA on Friday! yay!!! They gave me a lovely send off - a beautiful bouquet of flowers - and they had actually thought about my favourite colours, purples and pinks!! I was really touched as we are all temps and other people have left and had nothing. They really spoilt me. I also got chocolates and an Easter Egg!! I was sad to leave my friends, and some had become good friends, but I was not sad to leave the building or the job.

I go back to my old job tomorrow at Crowhurst Park. I will be a permanent member of staff which I have never been there before. I was always casual. It will be so much better to be permanent and have a proper contract. Much more secure for a start, but then is any job secure these days.

I will only be working 13 hours a week - Mondays 9am-1pm, Tuesdays 1.30pm-5.00pm and Fridays 9am-2pm. I have also got lots of overtime hours too so I will be doing more hours throughout April. Still its a good start and I will be happy there!! I also know they have missed me so I will be welcomed back! Its good when you know your wanted!

My new car - I cant remember if I told you that I had a crash and my poor car was written off. Still I was ok and the insurance has paid out - was very quick! Im now back on the road again wiht my lil red car - here she is and her name is Addy.

I loves my new car.

I hope you are all ok. I will be coming to find out how you all are. I do think of you and never forget you. So Im always here in spirit.

Laine xxx

Normal Service will Resume Shortly.

2009-02-21T10:00:00.003Z

Sorry - not good journaler at the mo.

Full-time job coming to end soon! Start at Crowhurst again on 9th March! Will only be working 13 hours - that is more human like! Then I will be back blogging - I promise!!! I do!

Had car crash on Wednesday - poor car a write off! Very sad about it but it is only metal! Going out to find another car now! Hate not having a car! Got to rely on other people - dont like doing that!

Anyway, just thought I would pop in and let you know I am still alive! When I am part-time again I will be back!

Laine xxxxx

AOHELL

2009-02-13T21:54:00.003Z

The one night I decide to come back and try catch up with journals, the flippin AOL decides to go up the wall!! I went mad!! I looked at everything, the settings on my Internet Explorer, my router, my firewall settings - I defragged and I deleted temp internet files. I turned puter off, turned router off!!! Nearly threw it all in the garden!!!! Then it all suddenly came back again - never ever crossed my mind that it was actually AOL!!!!! Grrrrrrrr I forget I still got them!!! I don't use the software anymore but they still are my ISP!!! grrrrrrrrrrr again!!!

Hope you are all ok!! Bet you all forgot about me!! Alot of you I see on facebook which is really nice! I set up a group there for us journalers and Im so glad to see alot of you are using it! Really great to know that I made something useful!

I still don't like work! Pah!!! But Im getting there. Its temporary and its work - it pays the bills! I was off a couple of days this week - I was quite poorly - very very tired and headache and upset tummy.

Im still waiting to see if Crowhurst will have me back or not!!! The office manager really needs me but she is trying to convince her manager!!

It's my Dad's birthday today!!! Bless him!! Happy birthday Dad!

Valentine's day tomorrow! John and I had our Valentine's weekend away last weekend - we went to Stratford-upon-Avon. It was lovely. Have a look at my photos if you are on facebook. If you cant access facebook then let me know and I will post them on here next time!

The reason I havent been posting lately is that I am on a computer all day at work 8.36-5.00 everyday and when I get home I really dont want to be on the puter again! I flick onto facebook on my ipod touch and that doesnt feel like being on a computer - bit different!

Oh, you remember my friend Shelley. Well she is no longer my friend. She said that I was acting like a drama queen as I was moaning that I didnt like working full-time! She said 'I shouldn't be such a drama queen and WORK for a living! Well that's it! She then deleted me from her facebook! Saved me deleting her didnt it!!! 7 years of friendship deleted! Oh well.

Anway, I must go! Im sure there was other things I needed to say to you!

Laine xxxxx

Snow Monday

2009-02-02T11:28:00.002Z

The kids are having a fantastic time today! Playing snowball fights, building snowmen and building the most fantastic snowball!!! Its brilliant to see them having fun! They cheered so loud this morning when the radio announced their school closed!! yay!!! I decided not to walk to work, its very slippery out there. My car cannot move anyway as I the battery is dead. One slip and my back would put me out of work for months so its not worth risking it.

Our heating is playing up!!! I just hope it doesnt go wrong now! We have a log fire burning though but not many logs left! OOOOOH I will stay in bed if it gets too cold!

My work situation at the moment is that I hate, absolutely hate working full time! I hate not being there for the kids. I know they are older now and don't need me so much, but I miss picking Joe up and his lovely little smile as he runs towards my car. He is only 13! A so-called friend of mine asked me the other day how I was doing at work. Remember Shelley with the Merc!! Hmmm well why I talk to her I dont know! She asked me how I was getting on and I said that I didnt like being full time and she couldnt understand why when I explained about the kids etc. (remember she has no kids and does not want kids). Her reply was 'Welcome to the real world!'. I was not happy, I felt hurt in fact! She does not have a clue! Still I won't be putting myself out to be friends with her again. That comment was hurtful.

I did hear from my old boss at Crowhurst Park last week. She said would I be interested in coming back there for 20 hours a week, It would be Monday mornings, Tuesday afternoons, Friday mornings and Sunday ten til four. I was a bit worried about doing Sundays but I was always used to working on a Saturday before. And, it will be so much better than working where I am!!! Crowhurst is a beautiful place to work and is a lovely job!!!! So I have agreed and I feel so much better now. I have just got to wait for it to be ok'd with the higher bosses there.

John and I have a hotel booked for next weekend. My boys are going away with their Dad so I have booked a hotel for the Saturday night at Stratford-upon-Avon. Im so excited!!!! We can see where Shakespeare lived and we can visit Warwick Castle. It will be very romantic, I cant wait!! Check out the link - it looks gorgeous!!!

My boys Dad has been mucking about with maintenance again. Really infuriating! He is behind with payments by two months now. He just went on holiday to Egypt and before he went he said that he had paid me but of course while he was gone I realised he had been lying! It is so annoying as I rely on getting the money and when it does not come in it really mucks up my finances big time - not only that the boys need things and their Dad is supposed to provide for them. The worse thing is that he promised Sam that he would pay for his guitar lessons and I have ended up paying for them as he said he cant afford to pay it yet! Great! So without maintenance I have had to subsidise his promise too! I have now applied for attachement of earnings and put an enforcement upon him for payment. Dont like having to do it but needs must!

I hope you are all keeping warm in this cold weather xxxxxxxxxx

A long time

2009-01-26T19:31:00.002Z

OOOOH Its a long time since I posted!

So sorry!

I hope you are all ok and I will try and visit you soon. I'm on a computer all day at work and it's the last thing I want to do when I get in - I'm reading more in the evenings now.

I have finished all my exams and I don't have to study so I read! And I love it!

I'm not really liking this full-time business its meh (as Sara would say) I hope you dont mind me borrowing your meh word Sara Sara! It's just such a long week! No jobs get done at home! It all has to be done at the weekend. I really enjoy my weekends now though!

I'm looking for a part-time job - I would much prefer part-time hours. Then I can be there for my boys!

Anyway Im waffling now and my shoulder is starting to ache from the typing! It aches all day at that bloomin office! meh!

Laine xx