Slept in til 10am, I'd had a bit of a disturbed night, tossing and turning, waking up and not getting back to sleep.
John took the boys again so I didnt have to worry.
I felt so so tired when I woke up, I had such a back ache too.
My brother rang me. Just to put you in the picture, my brother suffers from anxiety disorder, he had quite a big breakdown a while back and he is better now but has to be careful. He has learnt to control it. He had therapy which he has recommended to me. He said that the things I was telling him was a mirror image of himself and that I should get help before things get worse. He said to me that I should suggest to my Doctor about CBT, Cognitive Behavour Therapy, think thats what its called. It was so good to talk to my brother, he said he feels so distant.
I went back to bed after talking to my brother, just so so tired. John was off work so he came in for a cuddle, which was nice as I really needed him to be close. We both slept until 2.30! Whoops!
At about 5.30 we went to Tesco to do the big shop, I was dreading it. I felt anxious the whole way round. I did it though! I felt pleased with myself. Couldnt have gone without John though.
Very tired now, feel achey. Looking forward to a relaxing evening. Just cooking dinner. Something easy, lasagne, just pop it in oven!
Im going to need your help bloggy people to write my bullet points for the Doctor. I'll start putting them on here and then decided what's best to tell the doctor.
Thursday, 18 November 2010
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Doctors
I phoned docs and tried to get in earlier, the earliest I can get in is Monday, better than waiting for Tuesday I suppose.
I know there is more I need to say to her but I dont know how. As soon as I go in there I clam up and I had written it all in my diary but she didnt read it properly! Im a bit concerned about the anxious feelings I have all the time.
Its good to talk about it, I feel that that is helping. But I still worry about stuff, about when shall I go back to work. That there is a school trip next week and if I dont go back I'm letting my little boys down. I promised them I'd be with them on that trip :0(.
There is so much I need to do.
I need to get back into reading, at the moment I cant concentrate to read for long. I was at a coffee shop today with a paper and I couldnt finish an article. Its hard to stay focused on one thing for long.
I need to get the spare room sorted out. So much washing there and so much junk you would not believe! Actually the whole house needs sorting.
I need to look after myself a bit better. I dont bother showering most mornings. I have a wash (Im not smelly!) but I dont look after myself like I used to.
I need to stop worrying about other people so much, I take on everyone's problems and have so many friends that need me. I cant do that anymore, not for a little while anyway.
I need to cuddle John more. He is being neglected and I do love him.
I need to stop worrying about my boys. I feel that Sam is lieing to me all the time and I dont trust him one bit.
Ive got to eat better. Ive not got the best appetite at the moment and I burp all the time! All the time! Its embarrassing!!
Ive got to walk more with Oscar and build his walking up so his leg gets better. He is getting better bless him and his walks can increase now.
Basically Ive got to stop worrying and as Ma says Ive got to start looking at the positives!
Yes that's what I'll do.
I know there is more I need to say to her but I dont know how. As soon as I go in there I clam up and I had written it all in my diary but she didnt read it properly! Im a bit concerned about the anxious feelings I have all the time.
Its good to talk about it, I feel that that is helping. But I still worry about stuff, about when shall I go back to work. That there is a school trip next week and if I dont go back I'm letting my little boys down. I promised them I'd be with them on that trip :0(.
There is so much I need to do.
I need to get back into reading, at the moment I cant concentrate to read for long. I was at a coffee shop today with a paper and I couldnt finish an article. Its hard to stay focused on one thing for long.
I need to get the spare room sorted out. So much washing there and so much junk you would not believe! Actually the whole house needs sorting.
I need to look after myself a bit better. I dont bother showering most mornings. I have a wash (Im not smelly!) but I dont look after myself like I used to.
I need to stop worrying about other people so much, I take on everyone's problems and have so many friends that need me. I cant do that anymore, not for a little while anyway.
I need to cuddle John more. He is being neglected and I do love him.
I need to stop worrying about my boys. I feel that Sam is lieing to me all the time and I dont trust him one bit.
Ive got to eat better. Ive not got the best appetite at the moment and I burp all the time! All the time! Its embarrassing!!
Ive got to walk more with Oscar and build his walking up so his leg gets better. He is getting better bless him and his walks can increase now.
Basically Ive got to stop worrying and as Ma says Ive got to start looking at the positives!
Yes that's what I'll do.
Jane says:
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?
My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.
Stuart says:
It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email
My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.
Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x
Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.
Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx
Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.
Ma Says:
It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!
My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.
Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?
My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.
Stuart says:
It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email
My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.
Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x
Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.
Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx
Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.
Ma Says:
It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!
My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.
Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
time to rest
10:00am
Doctor's appointment. Was sitting in waiting room feeling very anxious. Two ladies were talking to me. I didnt really hear what they were saying, I nodded and smiled. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I was busy thinking about what the Doctor would say.
The Doctor, Dr Kucher, is so so nice. She welcomes me with a warm smile and asks me to take a seat. She asks how I am and it all comes out. She read my diary. Well scanned it. I wouldnt expect her to read it all it would take hours! Bit like a novel of my thoughts! I told her I was blogging again and she said that was brilliant. She said that I looked much better than last week. She was pleased to see some positives in my diary.
She said she wants me to try techniques for getting to sleep, like reading a book, having a bath, watching a film and relaxing. Now I wasnt about to tell her that for the last ten or so years Ive tried all those things! Even taking tablets havent helped in the past. If my mind is racing, its racing. My mind wont let me watch a film and read a book. My mind wont let me stay in a bath coz I dont like it for too long! I just nodded and smiled. She said that I had to self-certificate myself off work to start with then she will sign me off as need be when I next see her. Im signed off til Tuesday. I see her again on Tuesday and then I will phone work and let them know how I am. Im not ready to go back to work yet.
15:30
I get home from picking my friend's little girl up from school and there is a boquet of flowers at my door. Someone from work had left it there for me. There was a card too. It said that they were all thinking about me and hoped I'd be back soon. Typical that I was out when someone came by. They probably think Im fake! Anyway I emailed them my thanks and said I was up at Tesco picking up my meds. (Which reminds me, I havent picked my packet up yet. One thing I forgot to ask the Doc is when I can up my meds. Last time I upped them after a week.
17:00
Having snooze on sofa. Text message wakes me up. Joe: 'Can you pick me up please'. Why does it always happen when your resting! So up I jump. Get ready and go get Joe. I pick him up from Asda entrance and seeing as I was there I thought I'd get some milk. Well it turns into a bit of an expedition and as the store only opened yesterday there are teething problems and we got caught up in the wrong till with problems! I got very panicky and anxious. I could feel the feeling rising and rising it was horrible. I really dont think Im ready for taking myself shopping yet! That was a bit ambitious!
18:25
John rings. He is stuck in traffic. He is very very tired. I tell him how I feel and he says oh dear that is not right and is a bit cross with me for trying to do too much. Dont blame him really. It seems its a good job I havent gone back to work yet then! John warns me that when he gets in the door he will have to go chill out upstairs for a bit, in other words he wont want me going on and on when he gets in! I think I get the message!
Ive got a questionnaire thing to fill out from the Doctor about being depressed, after looking at it I think I am!
Doctor's appointment. Was sitting in waiting room feeling very anxious. Two ladies were talking to me. I didnt really hear what they were saying, I nodded and smiled. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I was busy thinking about what the Doctor would say.
The Doctor, Dr Kucher, is so so nice. She welcomes me with a warm smile and asks me to take a seat. She asks how I am and it all comes out. She read my diary. Well scanned it. I wouldnt expect her to read it all it would take hours! Bit like a novel of my thoughts! I told her I was blogging again and she said that was brilliant. She said that I looked much better than last week. She was pleased to see some positives in my diary.
She said she wants me to try techniques for getting to sleep, like reading a book, having a bath, watching a film and relaxing. Now I wasnt about to tell her that for the last ten or so years Ive tried all those things! Even taking tablets havent helped in the past. If my mind is racing, its racing. My mind wont let me watch a film and read a book. My mind wont let me stay in a bath coz I dont like it for too long! I just nodded and smiled. She said that I had to self-certificate myself off work to start with then she will sign me off as need be when I next see her. Im signed off til Tuesday. I see her again on Tuesday and then I will phone work and let them know how I am. Im not ready to go back to work yet.
15:30
I get home from picking my friend's little girl up from school and there is a boquet of flowers at my door. Someone from work had left it there for me. There was a card too. It said that they were all thinking about me and hoped I'd be back soon. Typical that I was out when someone came by. They probably think Im fake! Anyway I emailed them my thanks and said I was up at Tesco picking up my meds. (Which reminds me, I havent picked my packet up yet. One thing I forgot to ask the Doc is when I can up my meds. Last time I upped them after a week.
17:00
Having snooze on sofa. Text message wakes me up. Joe: 'Can you pick me up please'. Why does it always happen when your resting! So up I jump. Get ready and go get Joe. I pick him up from Asda entrance and seeing as I was there I thought I'd get some milk. Well it turns into a bit of an expedition and as the store only opened yesterday there are teething problems and we got caught up in the wrong till with problems! I got very panicky and anxious. I could feel the feeling rising and rising it was horrible. I really dont think Im ready for taking myself shopping yet! That was a bit ambitious!
18:25
John rings. He is stuck in traffic. He is very very tired. I tell him how I feel and he says oh dear that is not right and is a bit cross with me for trying to do too much. Dont blame him really. It seems its a good job I havent gone back to work yet then! John warns me that when he gets in the door he will have to go chill out upstairs for a bit, in other words he wont want me going on and on when he gets in! I think I get the message!
Ive got a questionnaire thing to fill out from the Doctor about being depressed, after looking at it I think I am!
Monday 19:15
Butterflies like you wouldn’t believe. Feel very strange, empty and just not right.
21:43
Have felt strange and anxious all evening. I wish this anxious feeling would go away. Keep burping all the time too. Its horrible. John away tonight. I don’t like him being away.
My Joe is in bits this evening. Had a disagreement with his girlfriend. Its all far too intense and he takes things to heart. He got himself in such a state and Im the only one here to deal with it. John not here. Its hard.
My leg hurts, dull aches. Absolutely shattered so I hope I sleep better tonight.
Tuesday 07:16
Very very tired, I wish I could wake up feeling refreshed. I just don’t want to wake up. I could sleep forever. I did sleep better last night, although it still takes me ages to get to sleep. But once I was asleep I didn’t wake up.
My head is muzzy, my tummy feels empty and I keep burping but I don’t want to eat. I have a heavy period, I really need to sort my coil out but never get round to making an appointment. When I get back from the doctors today I want to get back in bed and sleep.
What I want is to wake up not feeling empty, wake up eager to start the day.
I ran out of time as usual! Its so hard getting up getting motivated. Getting the boys motivated, sorting out the dog. Then Sam couldn’t find a t.shirt. I feel bad as all the clothes are just in a heap in the spare room. I wash them, dry them and then do nothing with them, I really must sort it out! There is so much to do before a foster child arrives, the spare room needs clearing out. John said that if we were further down the line I could give up work so I could get house ready. I wish we knew. I wish I had a simple job like a checkout girl at Asda, in a bright green shirt!
I got flustered in the car as it was all iced up and I was trying to clear it and then Sam turns radio up and I snap at him. All because Im anxious about what Im going to say at the Doctors today. I wish I could just be calm, get all the jobs done in the house, read a lot, go for a long walk. Be me, do something for me!
Butterflies like you wouldn’t believe. Feel very strange, empty and just not right.
21:43
Have felt strange and anxious all evening. I wish this anxious feeling would go away. Keep burping all the time too. Its horrible. John away tonight. I don’t like him being away.
My Joe is in bits this evening. Had a disagreement with his girlfriend. Its all far too intense and he takes things to heart. He got himself in such a state and Im the only one here to deal with it. John not here. Its hard.
My leg hurts, dull aches. Absolutely shattered so I hope I sleep better tonight.
Tuesday 07:16
Very very tired, I wish I could wake up feeling refreshed. I just don’t want to wake up. I could sleep forever. I did sleep better last night, although it still takes me ages to get to sleep. But once I was asleep I didn’t wake up.
My head is muzzy, my tummy feels empty and I keep burping but I don’t want to eat. I have a heavy period, I really need to sort my coil out but never get round to making an appointment. When I get back from the doctors today I want to get back in bed and sleep.
What I want is to wake up not feeling empty, wake up eager to start the day.
I ran out of time as usual! Its so hard getting up getting motivated. Getting the boys motivated, sorting out the dog. Then Sam couldn’t find a t.shirt. I feel bad as all the clothes are just in a heap in the spare room. I wash them, dry them and then do nothing with them, I really must sort it out! There is so much to do before a foster child arrives, the spare room needs clearing out. John said that if we were further down the line I could give up work so I could get house ready. I wish we knew. I wish I had a simple job like a checkout girl at Asda, in a bright green shirt!
I got flustered in the car as it was all iced up and I was trying to clear it and then Sam turns radio up and I snap at him. All because Im anxious about what Im going to say at the Doctors today. I wish I could just be calm, get all the jobs done in the house, read a lot, go for a long walk. Be me, do something for me!
Monday, 15 November 2010
Big Sigh
I seem to do alot of sighing lately! Ive done a lot of that today.
Ive had a good day, my friend Joe rang me this morning. It was him I went to last week after my Doctor vist as Joe lives right opposite the Doctors! Very convenient for tea and chat!
He said that he wanted to take me out to cheer me up. So off we went to our brand spanking new Asda, opened today! I thought it was going to be chaos and I thought I wouldnt be able to hack it but it was really good. We found a parking spot and we got round the shop not too bad, although it was very very busy. I did feel a bit flustered sometimes and anxious but I was ok. We finished our shopping at 12.00 so Joe suggested we went out to lunch. He treated me :0) (Huge smiley face). It was lovely as we could have a really good chat. It helped me such a lot. Joe is such a good friend always there when you need him.
I got home about one and then at 2.30 my friend from work, Jane, came to take me into town so I could bank a cheque. We had coffee in Costa :0)!!! Even bigger smiley face!! I had a lovely Latte and a lovely Lemon cupcake. We chatted and I felt better. She said work were ok about me being off. Everyone understands.
I feel very apprehensive about going to the Doctors tomorrow. Quite scared in a way. I don't want her to say Ive got to go back to work. Im not ready yet. Im not strong enough. Things make me want to cry, Im nervous. Im not very strong at the moment.
The thing is I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Ive been out, Ive chatted, Ive laughed, I have to get on with stuff, housework, kids so why shouldnt I go back to work?
Thank you all for your comments, its so lovely to be welcomed back. I abandoned you for so long and yet your all here to welcome me and comfort me with your kinds words. Thank you.
Ive had a good day, my friend Joe rang me this morning. It was him I went to last week after my Doctor vist as Joe lives right opposite the Doctors! Very convenient for tea and chat!
He said that he wanted to take me out to cheer me up. So off we went to our brand spanking new Asda, opened today! I thought it was going to be chaos and I thought I wouldnt be able to hack it but it was really good. We found a parking spot and we got round the shop not too bad, although it was very very busy. I did feel a bit flustered sometimes and anxious but I was ok. We finished our shopping at 12.00 so Joe suggested we went out to lunch. He treated me :0) (Huge smiley face). It was lovely as we could have a really good chat. It helped me such a lot. Joe is such a good friend always there when you need him.
I got home about one and then at 2.30 my friend from work, Jane, came to take me into town so I could bank a cheque. We had coffee in Costa :0)!!! Even bigger smiley face!! I had a lovely Latte and a lovely Lemon cupcake. We chatted and I felt better. She said work were ok about me being off. Everyone understands.
I feel very apprehensive about going to the Doctors tomorrow. Quite scared in a way. I don't want her to say Ive got to go back to work. Im not ready yet. Im not strong enough. Things make me want to cry, Im nervous. Im not very strong at the moment.
The thing is I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Ive been out, Ive chatted, Ive laughed, I have to get on with stuff, housework, kids so why shouldnt I go back to work?
Thank you all for your comments, its so lovely to be welcomed back. I abandoned you for so long and yet your all here to welcome me and comfort me with your kinds words. Thank you.
Depressed?
Ive decided to write my blog again, I went to the Doctors last week. Ive not had a very good time of it lately. I had high blood pressure and the doctor could see I was very anxious. Ive had alot of anxiety lately, every day! My Doctor asked me to keep a feelings diary. Here is a excerpt from it to give you an idea how I am at the moment.
Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.
• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.
Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.
Am I depressed? I dont know.
John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!
:( sad!
Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.
• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.
Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.
Am I depressed? I dont know.
John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!
:( sad!
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