Its all a big mess.

Im sorry to have worried you all yesterday.

This has not been easy at all.

I think I told you all that we found out that Joe had slept with his girlfriend. He being nearly 15 and her 13 has not gone down too well with her parents as you can imagine.

I thought that the right thing to do was to inform her parents immediately as I could not harbour a secret like that about their daughter, thats just not right. John and I are quite liberal about these things, we do not condone under age sex though. I had spoken to Joe that he did realise that his girlfriend was very young and that he should not embark on any physical relationship with her whatsoever. I wasnt entirely happy that they were getting so close but I had warned him and her parents were trusting them both.

Anyway, I didnt have their phone number so I messaged Paige's mum on facebook.

She phoned me on Joe's mobile to ask what was going on. She said that Paige had sworn on her grandmother's grave, who she only lost 6 months ago, that she had not slept with Joe. I said well Im sorry they have and I felt that you should know before it went any further. Obviously she was devasted and upset.

About ten o'clock last night Paige's Dad rings me. He immediately starts with a threatening tone, I could not handle it and started shaking and crying and passed him on to John. He was obviously not happy to think that his baby girl had had sexual relations with Joe. But, of course, its all Joe's fault. She told her Dad that Joe had bribed her into doing it and that he would tell all his mates if she didnt. Thats a lie Joe didnt say that to her. He said that Joe had lied about his age. Joe had never told them how old he was. They could see by his prefect top what year he is in! He actually threatened to beat Joe up, a grown man wants to beat up a 14 year old! John said to him do you know you have threatened to beat up a child, and then he says to John I will come and do you over right now if you like! John kept very calm and kept reminding him gently that we had only wanted to do the right thing by telling him straight away. Then he would seem to calm down but then get very angry again. It was not nice at all. He demanded that Joe keep right away from Paige and that he is not to brag and if he finds out that Joe is bragging or goes near her again he will personally do Joe in! He proclaimed to have plenty of 'cousins' that could do the job for him! Oh what lovely people we have living in this world, does it all have to result to violence? He said to John I hope you have given him what for, and John said we deal with it in our way and violence is not our way. John said to him 'I assure you that Joe will be severely dealt with and that he will no how wrong it is'. Not enough for bullies though is it.

Imagine if we hadnt found out and her Dad found them out, my Joe would probably be in hospital bashed up. This is very serious and very very scary. All we can do now is stay low and make sure Joe is protected. Ive kept Joe home today, he is in absolute bits, he is heart broken, ashamed and very very empty. My baby! Im so so sad, Im so so frightened. It makes me feel physically sick!

I have de-activated Joe's facebook, Ive taken his mobile away from him, all for his own safety really. I havent deleted her mum off my facebook, I dont know what to do about that!

The Dad did threaten to go to the police, maybe thats better than him beating Joe up. Im now waiting anxiously for someone to bash my door down, or a policeman to knock on the door. My life feels like its falling to pieces! Not sure how much more I can handle. One positive is that I didnt have a panic attack, my anxiety never arose, its more like a very numb feeling, a sickening feeling of dread! I feel helpless and out of control. All I can do is keep cuddling my baby, he has a broken heart that needs mending.

Hate to see my baby heart broken :(

Monday

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I will relax and thank you Stuart for the hug. I will let you know how I'm feeling. Writing in here is quite a good therapy for me.

I went and met my friend for lunch, John urged me to go, he dropped me into town and I did my post and I met her and had lunch, it was lovely.

I was looking at my emails whilst I was out and noticed that Sam has gone over on his phone bill, by £22.00. This is not the only time he has gone over. I'm not happy as he has unlimited text and 200 free minutes. Instead of paying £10.00 Ive got to pay £32.00, nearly as much as I pay for my iPhone bill! So he now owes me £70. John will talk to him when Sam arrives home from college no doubt.

Another bombshell drops on me today. John picks me up from town and says right are you ready for this one, I didn't want to tell you til you'd been to Doctors and met Sue. Its about Joe! Oh no! What has he done! Anxiety just wells up inside of me! John says, 'I found a condom wrapper under the sofa last night'. Joe must have had sex with his girlfriend whilst we were at the theatre yesterday. So he had lied to me, he said he was going to meet her at her house. The girl has only just turned 13. I have sat Joe down and explained to him that he must not have underage sex, he is only 14, 15 on 30th November (if he lives that long!). 13!!!! 13 years old and what the hell will her mum say if she finds out. She really trusts Joe. Her Dad went mad and grounded her when he saw them just holding hands. What the hell will he do if he knows that they've been having sex! The positive of this is that he is using a condom! I hope in the right way, imagine if she gets pregnant! I know her Dad is quite volatile and he wouldn't think twice about sorting Joe out. Oh my! What do I do now? I know that we will have to watch Joe very closely and not let him be in the house alone. They will find somewhere to do it though, even if we stop them from being in the house alone.

Can I get off this roller coaster now please!

Jan, she didnt say what the burping was all about! But I have read that anxiety can play havoc on your digestive system, so maybe thats it.

Dcotor's

Ive been to the Doc and she has signed me off for another two weeks from today.

I do feel better now as that decision has been made. She said she was really pleased with my progress. She said that she can see that I am an intelligent woman, me? LOL, and that she can see that I am taking on board what she has asked me to do. However, she does think I am depressed and that I do have anxiety quite bad at the moment. She said that she could give me anti-depressants but I said I'll think about that as I'd have to be on them for six months and not come off. I'm not too sure I really need them. She said that if I was severely depressed she would urge me to take them but she said that I am depressed but not bad enough that I want to kill myself or anything like that, which is good. She did offer me counselling too which I can have if I feel the need. I'm not sure I want that at the moment, I did counselling once and it just made me feel worse quite frankly.

She said to keep writing things down and doing relaxing stuff.

Ive sent an email to work to explain it all. Thank goodness for email and I dont actually have to talk to work. I dont think I could do that. I felt very tearful coming out of the Doctors. I said to her that I felt like a fake and she said no you are very ill at the moment but you are coming through it and she said she was very proud of the way Im handling it. I told her that John looks like he cant understand me and she said that is very common, because people cant see a physical change in me they cant believe that Im ill. Thats the hardest thing to deal with as people expect you to be ok. John said to me, after I'd been to the Doctor, 'but you were ok yesterday!'. The doctor said to me yes you will get ok days but the problem hasnt gone and she said it will take months to get me back on track.

I asked her about the fostering and she said that in no way should I be worried about this affecting it at all. She said that I have dealt with this sensibly and she cant see a problem.

Phew! big Phew!

Sunday

Thanks for all your comments and support. Im trying not to worry too much. Sam's a good lad and Im sure we will get through this. Jane, Sam doesnt get EMA money, weve got to sort his money out and we are going to give him an invoice for the money he owes us, the money that he took.

We went to the theatre this afternoon, we saw a brilliant play called Skylight, written by David Hare. It was spellbinding, really good! If it comes to your local theatre I urge you to watch it. There was only a cast of three. It was about a girl who had been a mistress to a very successful business man and he suddenly came back into her life after three years, his son was also in the story. Brilliant! I felt good watching the play, I did feel a little anxious sometimes, I just wish I could relax and not worry about how long its going to be!

I bought a DSi today, Im really loving it. I sold my DS lite on Amazon for £85.00!! So I went up to Tesco with John and bought a DSi, £119.00, which came with Professor Layton 3 free! As I already have that game, which Im loving by the way, I then put the one I got for free on Amazon and sold it for £27!! So in the end I didnt have to pay much out for my new console. The new DSi has got more features on it than the DS Lite, it's got a camera on it!!!

Now, what do I need to say to the Doctor tomorrow,

Im still feeling anxious and really cant stop burping.
I feel tired.
My head feels all muzzy.
I feel strange!
I dont know what to say, I guess it will just come out when I see her!

I know one thing, Im worrying about everyone and everything!!!

Saturday

We spoke to Sam last night. (Jane he is 17) We spoke calmly to him, told him how disappointed we were. He was very sorry. It's hard to explain here what went on but we talked and talked. We let Joe talk too, after all Joe is as much part of this family as Sam and Sam needs to know how it affected him too (is it effected or affected?) anyway, Joe said that he was disappointed in him and that he couldnt believe he could still try to steal from me and know that he would be found out, especially when Mum is feeling ill at the moment and you can make her worse. At this point I broke down in tears. To hear my Joe speaking so sensibly and supportive of me was very touching. We asked Sam what he was going to do to try help himself get better, as we said to him he does have a problem and we all need to work together to get him better. He said that he needs to cut down the cigarettes and eventually try to give up.

Of course I had to tell his Dad, his Dad treats things differently to John and I, his Dad F'd and blinded at him down the phone, which I dont think is necessary but I cant stop what his Dad does.

Sam said he is going to try really hard to get a job so he can pay for his things (cigarettes) that he wants himself.

Im not going to hide my bag away, I want to trust him. I think that if he gets the urge to steal I'd rather it was from me than from outside the house. I will have a chat to Sam and see what he thinks. I'll ask him if he can trust himself me leaving my bag in the hallway still. John feels strongly about not changing what we do in the house. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

I got up this morning feeling better, had had a relaxing night's sleep, it was good to have spoken to Sam and got that out the way. As the morning went on though I felt anxious again, as we were getting ready to go to my Mum and Dad's it was horrible, the feeling just kept rising up and up. I dont know why as I had got up feeling fine.

I have felt like Im on another planet today, my arms have felt all heavy and my head has felt muzzy. It was lovely seeing my Mum and Dad. I was hoping my Mum would give me a cuddle but she didnt! She never ever does! :( We told them about Sam and they were disappointed and said that they thought we had dealt with it very well. My Dad gave me their pocket money and said to me, tell Sam that you are keeping it. I did'nt do that, I gave it to Sam hoping he would offer it to me but he didnt. Im hoping that he will try to pay me back one day.

Had some nice eats at my Mum and Dad's always nice eats there! And they gave us a lovely box of M&S choccies that we can eat tonight whilst watching X-Factor.

John is in a very funny mood, I think he is fed up with me again, thats how it feels. He is very tired. We had to drive into Brighton to drop Joe and his friends then we drove to my Mum and Dad's, had dinner with them then picked up Joe and his friends at 5.30. We didnt get home til just gone seven and then he had to go to Tesco. I said to him, dont go to Tesco as your tired and he said no Ive got to go as its the last day for the voucher for £7.00 off and we need the money right now! That makes me feel bad as Im off work at the moment and I wont be getting paid full pay. I think John thinks I should go back next week. I dont want to go back and then go back to where I started again! Im scared! I dont know what to think, I dont know what my head is going to do to me next! Im fed up burping like every five minutes! I cant wait to see the Doctor on Monday and see what she says as Im feeling anxious already.

Thanks for making me feel better with your comments everyone.

I havent checked spelling and that! It might be rubbish!

Friday

I wake up relaxed this morning as I know that John has taken care of the school run. I can't explain how much that helps me, not having to worry. I had found getting up in the mornings really hard. I find it hard getting myself motivated and ready let alone getting the boys up and taking them to school, college. So John has relieved me from that.

I lay in bed listening to my audio book last night, I found it hard to sleep but I must have slept as I kept waking up to different parts of the book. At one time though I did have to give in to my restlessness and put the light on and took some tablets. Once I was asleep I did sleep well. I will have to rewind my book tonight though.

I made myself shower and get dressed this morning instead of lounging in my dressing gown. I havent showered for a long time. It felt good! I dont know why I can never be bothered to get in shower. I always just have a quick wash.

John said to me I looked alot better this morning but he had some bad news for me that he didnt really want to burden me with but Sam has been taking money again and he had been in my bag again this morning. John had had a word with him on the way to college this morning and Sam admitted to it. Even though Sam knows Im ill at the moment he is still doing it! He never took the £10 out of my purse because I had written a note in my purse saying £10.00. John said he knew Sam had been in my bag as John had made sure my bag was fully done up and when he looked again the zip was open. Sam admitted that he took 20p from my purse. This hasnt done me much good, I wept when John told me. John said that he though I dealt with it much better than he imagined. Im not as bad as I was a couple of weeks ago as my medication has been increased now and that is controlling my anxiety. Its still there though I can feel it bubbling up inside and Im burping all the time!

We are going to sit Sam down when he comes in from college, Im dreading it! We are going to have Joe in on the conversation as well. Last time we protected Sam from having to confront Joe and his Dad. This time I think Joe should be involved and if Joe wants to say something he can. I feel that Joe should see that Sam is being punished and talked to for what he has done. I really dont know how to deal with this, he obviously has a problem and we need to get to the bottom of it. I will be telling his Dad after we have spoken to him. His Dad will not be happy, he will deal with it in a different way but thats out of my control.

Even though I felt brighter this morning Im not sure if Im ready to go back to work next week or not, I feel that I need to learn how to control my anxiety and stress. Im hoping the Doctor can help with that next week.

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