Friday

Thank you for all your comments, I have been in constant contact with Sam today and he has said that his friends are going to help him give up smoking. Jane I think I made it sound like Sam is always out clubbing, he's not, he went to a gig last night at the Brighton Centre which he had had tickets for for his birthday, he went with a friend and his friend's Dad took them. He said he met someone at the gig who gave him the weed. He's not on drugs, at this moment in time I think he has only tried weed once and that was last night. I told him how stupid he was to take it off a stranger as it could be laced with anything! Sam only gets ten pounds a week, he was feeding his habit of smoking before by stealing out of my purse, which we found out recently.

Anyway, update on my youngest son Joe. He has gone to stay with his Dad for the weekend, not sure if I mentioned that! But I thought he could do with time with his Dad to try get over his broken heart. But ..... I got home today after a nice lunch out with my friend and on the door mat is a very bulky letter for Joe, hand delivered. I've opened it. It's Paige, she must have written him about three letters per day this week in the hope that she would see him at school but of course I kept him off school. They are such sad letters saying how much she loves him, saying that if she cant see him anymore she will put a gun to her head! She said she is sorry she put all the blame on him, she said that her Dad had beaten her, she has a bruise on her face and arm where he punched her! :0( She said that her parents are allowing her to see Joe at school and thats it. She says that they can get through it, he is her life and without him her life is not worth living. She said that when he smiles at her, her heart melts. It goes on and on its such deep writing for a 13 year old and oh so sad, it made me cry. I feel for her so so much. But we cant risk Joe seeing her, not with the violent Father she has.

I dont feel that Joe is safe even talking to her when her Dad is that violent. John said we must not let Joe see the letters or let Joe have anything to do with her. John said that when the Dad was on the phone to him the other night he gave John very violent threats, so violent that we would probably end up dead, all of us. That's what he was threatening. John said he hasnt told me the half of what he said. If he is prepared to punch his own daughter what the hell would he do to us? Its all too scary.

John is really low, he said he can't take anymore and he said he is worried about me on top of it all. He said that I life could be ruined by one violent man if Joe so much as looks at Paige. What do we do? Do I tell the Police? Was it just in his anger that this man said all these things. Would he really come and tear us limb from limb and make sure we were all dead! Did he really mean it?

Do I ring the Mother and please with her not to let her husband come and do us in? Do I tel lher that Paige has sent loads of love letters to Joe. We have kept our side of the bargain. I've kept Joe away from school. He hasnt been in touch with Paige.

I'm really scared now and at a loss as what to do.

Friday

My 17 year old, Sam, dropped another bombshell on me last night. He went to a concert and was offered weed and on his way home texted his friend to say 'do I smell of weed' and sent it to me instead of his friend. Talk about dropping yourself in it!

I was shocked, hurt and very disappointed! I really laid into him when he got home. I even threatened to chuck him out if he dared to take up smoking weed or even worse try harder drugs. That's always been my fear, that one day my boys may try weed then try something else and then so it goes on. All I can do is hope and pray that he doesnt get into drugs.

I was in a bit of a state but after a very welcoming message from a very dear friend, at a time when I felt very lonely, I felt better. Thank you my dear friend for being there when I was feeling very lonely and sad.

I've got to realise that Sam is being a normal teenager, he is doing what most 17 year olds do. He is going out partying, he is going to concerts, he is drinking sometimes, he is smoking and he has now tried weed. I dont approve of any of the things he has done lately but Ive got to be here for him when things go wrong, thats what parents do. Ive got to make sure he knows that he is loved and that he will always have a home. I shouldnt have told him I will chuck him out, thats a bit harsh. I regret that now. :0( I told him so, his reply was 'It's ok Mum, I needed a wake up call, I'm going to prove to you that I'm going to change.' I have to believe him, I have to support him, he's my son.

So my eldest son smokes weed! Great!

Thursday

I feel a bit low again today, my irritable bowel is painful and I didnt sleep too good last night, I was a bit restless. I had nightmares too, keep getting those!

It's strange this feeling. One day or minute I feel really good, then another I feel really frustrated and low and things just get on top of you. I'm having niggly arguments with John and he is all moody saying the house is a mess and that its got to be tidied up. I've been doing little bits and my intentions are to do more but I just dont get round to it. I think that is annoying him!

My friend took me out this morning and her husband gave her money for us to go have coffee, guess where we went? Yup Costa! hee hee. It was nice, but I was suffering a bit with pains in my tummy so I didnt enjoy it as much as I should of.

I havent eaten much today but I've prepared myself a nice dinner, Ive got roasted veg and chicken. It's funny how I can't eat during the day but I will eat dinner in the evening.

Joe is happier today, he is hoping to spend the weekend with his Dad but his Dad is moving tomorrow and might be too tired to come over to pick him up today as he has been packing all day. I think if his Dad does come it will be good for Joe. Joe's school is closed tomorrow and Monday so he has a nice long weekend.

Sam's being a good boy at the moment. He doesnt seem to be smoking as much, he said he would cut down and I believe he has.

John's daughter will be ringing tonight to tell us all about her trip to New York. She came back on Monday, she was there for 4 nights. She went on her own! Good for her I say. If she wants to do something she does it!

I wonder if we will get any snow, I know there is snow up North. We usually get it a few days after! I don't want it! It's nice the first day when everyone enjoys it, but then it's annoying when you can't get anywhere!

Wednesday

I have felt quite good today, not better, but good. I think it will take a while to get better. I went out to my friend's house and we went to her mum's who made a lovely stew and dumplings and had fruit cake for after. I really enjoyed it. It was good to get out.

Tomorrow Im out in the morning with my friend and neighbour Sally. We are going to go and have a mooch round the shops in town. Then in the afternoon, Jane from work, is coming to see me. So a full day tomorrow.

My friend from work, Pat, rang me this afternoon. Was so so nice to hear from her. Her and Jane are the only two that I have really gotten close too since working at the school. She cheered me up.

I'm hurting alot today. My sciatica is hurting and playing up today. Also I have quite bad stomach cramps and low back pain. At one point it was so bad I had to go and lay down to let it calm.

I've been playing my new DSi, Ive been playing Professor Layton 3, Im so addicted! Its the only thing I concentrate on for hours on end at the moment.

Joe has been wallowing in his sadness and broken heart. But he snapped out of it this evening when he had another lecture from me and John, then one from Sam, then his Dad called him. I think Joe realises now that we are telling him he cant see Paige for his own good and protection. I'm keeping him off school tomorrow too, he has an inset day Friday and Monday. So by Tuesday, which is his 15th birthday, he should be much better. He has eaten a little bit today so I'm pleased he is getting his appetite back. John and I have secured out laptops and not leaving anything around that can get him on the internet or give him access to Paige.

And Stuart I've bought more biscuits! :)

22:32

I'm in bed alone with just my thoughts and a thumping, thumping headache that Ive had all day.

I actually feel proud of myself that I have got through the day. Ive kept it together. I've looked after my boy, Ive cuddle him and told him I love him. Ive also told him off big time and told him how serious this whole thing is. He is being disciplined let me tell you. Ive told my Mum, Ive told my best friend. Thats it. No more! We move on.

I am slowly getting better but I'm not completely better. I am trying hard to do jobs. I start them but never finish them, thats just how I am at the moment. Im trying hard not to spend too much time wallowing in my own self-pity and I'm also going to try get myself to get up earlier and shower and get on with the day. Today I didnt get dressed til 1pm. Most days Im not dressed til about then. Its not good enough. Ive got to be more positive. I know this but its hard to do it!

I'm hoping this feeling will go away and that I dont need to have the tablets to make it go away. The doctor did offer them to me and I am very tempted at the moment. Anything to take this feeling away. But, Im going to try help myself get out of it.

I long to read a book again, I just can't concentrate for long enough. One step at a time though. I want to feel ok to laugh and smile and be happy, I just can't do that at the moment.

Tomorrow I have to get up because my friend wants me to help look after her baby whilst she has her hair done. Initially she said to me, come round and see me it will do you good. Then I realise that actually she wants me there to look after Bella. I do love Bella. She will make me smile, she will be one year old on Dec 18th. I think I should go. I'll see!

These last two days have been the hardest for a long time. But we are getting through. We havent heard from Paige's parents. We havent had anyone knocking on our door. Joe is safe because he is with me and Im not letting him out of my sight or John's sight til we feel its o.k.

I had to go pick up my neighbour's daughter from school today, Sally texted me this morning to say am I still able to. I nearly said no, for gods sake I'm ill. But then I decided I was being very silly and that having that to aim for was a good thing. Oh how little Livvy brightened up my day, she is ten years old. I picked her up and she chatted all the way home about her day, we had milkshakes together and chocolate and watched t.v. until her mum arrived to pick her up. Children really are a good medicine for bringing happiness into your life. I wish I was ten again!

We are nearly at the stage of the fostering process where we will be appointed an assessor and she will come round and chat to us and delve into our lives. I asked the doctor if I should carry on and she said of course, she said that I will make a brilliant foster parent. She said that I am strong and intelligent and that the very fact that I went to see her and am dealing with my problems shows that I can cope. I think a change of life is just what John and I need. We miss the children being little, we miss going out to zoos and parks and throwing bread to the ducks, that sort of thing. We need that back. Everything that has happened just lately is making us even stronger as a family, we have all talked alot and learnt alot of lessons. In a few months time when another little person enters our household we will all be ready and much wiser.

I held my baby boy in my arms,
I told him how much I loved him,
I told him how much everyone around him loves him,
I told him how proud I am of him,
How proud I am of him for getting 'A's in English,
How proud I am of him that he plays the guitar so beautifully,
How disappointed and angry I am but I'm not going to let anyone hurt him,
I told him we will protect him, love him and guide him through this difficult time.

He isnt crying anymore on the outside, he is playing his guitar and his music is crying, its beautiful music but so sad.

I just hope no-one hurts him, he isnt a boy that did this to brag or to hurt. He did it because he truly, truly loves her. How hard it is to be a teenager.