Saturday

I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!

Friday

I spoke to my Doctor on the phone this morning and she has signed me off for another two weeks, that means I wont be back to work til after Christmas. That means I have another 4 weeks to get myself together. Hopefully my tablets will help.

I texted my boss and he said that I will have to have a meeting with him but nothing to worry about, he wished me well and said he was looking forward to seeing me again. Its good that I will have a meeting with him before I go back because then I can tell him how I feel about certain things, its no good me going back and things are still the same.

Ive got to try change a few things, I've got to get myself up in the mornings and shower and get dressed instead of sitting around in my pyjamas. Ive got to start doing a few more jobs round the house. All I do is sit on the sofa doing nothing really!

John is being understanding (thank you Stuart for your offer but I don't think I need your help just yet, I might do though) he is asking me how I am and showing his sympathy. I think it did him good to read up on depression.

Its been hard to get myself motivated with everyone about in the house, as its been snowing and we are snowed in, everyone is under my feet. Where I would of probably started doing a few jobs I find myself not wanting to with everyone here. John starts busying around and I feel guilty. I just cant get motivated! Its a strange battle that goes on in my head, one part says do jobs the other says cant be bothered.

I must wash my hair today!

Snow Day

Well its a snow day here today like everywhere else in the country. It's quite nice having everyone here but I'm not getting my quiet time and me time like I wanted.

I feel really sleepy, I think its the new tablets, I feel like going back to bed for a snooze. I might do that. The Doctor said that for the first few days I might feel a bit strange and I might have more anxiety than normal. I did have quite bad anxiety last night. It really hurt my chest.

When I eventually got to sleep last night I did sleep well. I didn't wake up. Thank goodness.

Last night I got a really long text from my step-daughter. I emailed her yesterday telling her all about me being ill and all about what my boys have been up to. I hadn't told her before as she was looking forward to a trip to New York and didn't want to spoil her excitement. Thank goodness for her though, she is really sympathetic and has said some very kind and warming words to me. She wants to try come down see me tomorrow so we can talk, but I think the snow will put a stop to that. She is being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have her. She also told me she loved me lots, that's lovely to hear.

Because I neglected myself a lot lately, especially my feet! Feet just get on my nerves. Well I haven't been moisturising my feet and I've really just let them get so dry. Well my left foot, which is my bad sciatica one which is numb in places, Ive let the skin get so dry it has cracked really bad. So bad I cant walk on it. My own fault! I need to pay my body more attention and moisturise every day!

I did send John a link about depression and he read it. I told him I was sending it to him and he said that was good as he needs to understand. When he had read it he just turned to me and held me. That's all he could do really but that's what I need.

It looks like the snow is here to stay, it has snowed all night and still snowing now.

Joe's birthday.

Well my Joe is 15 today, makes me feel old. It felt funny as we had already bought him his present, a guitar, a little while back and any money he received he actually owed to us. But thats what he wanted so he was happy.

Quite an eventful day yesterday. I had lots of jobs to do, post office, Tesco and tidying up. It all felt a bit daunting. And, I had the Doctors first thing. Joe had the day off school, inset day. So he came with me. I did the post office first and that was easy. Tesco on the other hand was a nightmare, when we got there I'd forgotten my prescription so we had to go back home and get that. Getting the shopping in the trolley was ok, Joe and I went round slowly. Joe got irritated by me when I couldnt find stuff and it was right in front of me. I do still get a little panicky in there. I hate it! At the tills it was a nightmare. When it was our turn the girl said 'sorry no carrier bags' typical that I'd forgotten my own bags. I just stood there and stared at her. I had loads of shopping, how was we going to manage. She said, 'you can have a bag for life for 10p', I just continued to stare at her. She then said you can have two for 10p. So then I said 'well that will have to be then. I bought two and when the two were full I started to panic coz all that was left then were tiny little Tesco bags, why the hell did Tesco run out of bags? Probably not a problem to most people but I was really getting stressed by now, I was getting hot and the girl just kept pushing stuff through, I then said quite abruptly, 'if you go slower I can cope!' - 'I cant cope if you keep chucking it at me, and I have no more bags'. She wasnt very happy and not at all patient. Anyway I bought more bag for life bags. But I wasnt happy and it was so so stressful. Im not doing that again for a while.

Least we are no ok incase it snows bad.

Then I got home and I'd forgotten my tablets! So I had to go back to Tesco again to pick them up. I keep forgetting stuff, all the time!

John came home about seven, he was very very tired. I told him all about my Doctor visit and he didnt really react much. I then said to him quite abruptly, 'look I'm depressed' thats why Ive got the tablets. The kids were there at this moment. I said to them all, please have patience with me, Im not well and the Doctor is helping me. They all just look at me. They dont really know what to say. I got big anxiety attack then as John was really moody and I didnt feel he cared what I was saying. He said 'whats up now, you were ok just now'. I tried to explain it to him and he said that he was sorry, he had had a very bad day and was very very tired.

Then, we had a text from Joe's Dad to say that when Joe was very low at the weekend he had said to his Dad that he never does anything on his birthday. I showed John the text and it was like lighting a fuse to a bomb, John went mad! It's hurtful. I was very cross too. Every year we ask Joe what he would like to do for his birthday and he says can he have friends round and we do. We do a big tea and a cake and his friends all come round. He had said that every year Sam goes out for a meal, yes thats because thats what Sam likes to do, he doesnt have friends round, also Joe hates restaurants and never wants to eat out! Unbelievable arent they kids!!

Still we woke up this morning and celebrated Joe's birthday all sitting on my bed opening his cards. He seemed very happy this morning. It will be interesting what happens today as its his first day back and he will probably see Paige. Cant stop him seeing her at school.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a film on my iphone, shrek, I listened to an audio book, I read another book, I massaged my legs, I took painkillers, I just could not sleep. I eventually dropped off about 4.30. I think I may go back to sleep this morning for a nap.

Oscar

I was about to start writing today and this fella sat looking at me. So I thought I'd take a picture of him and show you. He is my constant companion. He listens and never answers back. He loves me unconditionally, well maybe he needs a walk and food, but mostly unconditionally. He understands when Im sad and he rests his head on my knee to let me know he is there. Hes been so brave having a huge operation and getting over it so well. I love my dog!

I went to the Docs this morning. I rang them from bed at 8.30 and they said there was an appointment at 9.10!!!! Well Ive never got ready so quick, did me good really as I would have just laid in bed all morning otherwise. She has given me anti-depressants, I told her everything. She told me that she specialises in Mental Health, so I have the right Doctor. She said she was proud of me of how I have dealt with the last week but it had obviously knocked me back. She said it took huge courage to go back to her today. I only went coz people nagged me to go. Im so glad I saw her though. I have to phone her on Friday and she will sign me off for another two weeks. My meds may take a couple of weeks to work and they might make me more anxious in the first few days of taking them.

I've got to get to Tesco to put the prescription in, I need to do some shopping but not sure if I can do it on my own. I might take Joe with me as he has the day off today. I really cant face it on my own. I also need to go to the post office as Ive sold a book on Amazon. Its quite alot for me to think about doing in one day. I think I will do the post office first then while Im in Tesco I havent got that to worry about. I worry about where Im going to park and whether there will be a queue or whether I'll see someone I know, I dont like seeing people out at the moment, I dont know why! One step at a time.

Thank you

Thank you so so much for all your comments yesterday, I have taken on board everything all of you have said. They all make very good sense. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. I might not have met you all but you really don't know how much I value all your opinions, I do think of you all very highly. Thank you, I'm sending my love and hugs to every one of you.

I've chatted with Paige's mum on the phone. I was shaking when I called her. But, everything was fine, she is calm now and so is her Dad. They didnt want me to send them the letters, they said just bin them. Of course, we are going to keep them. I said that I was scared of what might happen to Joe, she said not to worry and everything is fine. She said that she will deal with Paige. She also said thank you very much for letting her know. She said that one day may be, when they are older they could be together but for now they are much too young. I agreed. You won't believe the relief that this gave me, I'm still shaking from it now as I type this to you all. When I came off the phone I cried and cried, John held me and said how proud of me he was.

John and I had a big heart to heart this morning. It did us good to talk. We went for coffee in town and John agreed that I should go back to the Doctor tomorrow morning. He said how he had been feeling and I said how I had been feeling. We had lots of cuddles and we are going to work together. We had grown apart this last week and thats not good. (I agree with you Lynn, he has been suffering too and I couldnt see that!) I told John Im going to go on anti-depressants tomorrow and he said that he is worried it will affect the fostering. The fostering wont be for months yet and I know that we will be very good at it. We have got through a very difficult week and the Doctor had told me I needed meds and I got through it without them! Ive been hard on myself, but no more.

I feel more positive about the future. I have talked to Sam in depth, I'm working with him. Both my boys are good boys, we are just going through teenage stages.

John has problems with his 18 year old, James, James is on drugs and drinking and not working and being abusive to his mum. His mum talked to John on Friday and she is going to kick him out after Christmas. We dont blame her, he is nearly 19 and he has had so many chances of work but he turns them down. She has tried hard with him but he just wallows in his room all day, goes out at night, gets drunk and is abusive to her. He never pays her anything for his keep. He doesnt talk to John about it. We dont blame her for wanting to chuck him out.

I feel more positive today, the first thing I will do tomorrow is see the Doctor and tell her everything. I WILL go on them meds!

I finished Professor Layton last night! Now what am I going to do with my time. I'm going to try start reading again this week, even if its a little at a time. I'm going to make sure I take Oscar out every day. John said I should set myself a little task at a time and do them. I will.

Thank you again my lovely people.

can't snap out of it

I feel very low this morning, very low.

The morning started with John and I discussing the letters that Paige has sent to Joe. John had read them before I got up. We talked about the fact that we think Paige's parents should see the letters. John repeated how scared he is of this bloke coming round and breaking our legs. We have decided to tell Joe we have got letters but he is not to see them and explain to Joe what will happen if he makes contact with Joe. We then thought what about if Paige then gets upset with Joe and makes up stories to his Dad about Joe to get her own back. We don't know! So if we can find out their postal address from Joe we will post the letters to her Mum.

Then what I thought would be a nice relaxed morning turned into a nightmare for me. When John opened the fridge to get the milk out there was milk everywhere as the bottle had leaked. I got really cross and snappy with John about it and I actually treated him like he was a kid. When he tried to tidy up I snatched stuff away from him and said he wasn't doing it properly.

We then sat down for coffee and caught up with Emmerdale. John started talking about what tiles we should have for the bathroom and I paused the Emmerdale and said quite bluntly are we watching Emmerdale or discussing bathroom. I can't do both! So he shut up and we continued watching.

We usually go to Costa on a Saturday morning but John wants to suddenly start doing all the jobs that need doing in the house. Something I cant be doing with! He has said for years he will do stuff and has never got round to it. Now, suddenly he wants to do it this weekend.

I went up to get ready with the idea in my head that I would help John and go with him to B&Q and everything would be good. I was just finishing getting ready and he shouts up the stairs 'right Laine Chris and I are going up the tip now and then going to B&Q'. I immediately feel sorry for myself and want to cry. John comes up the stairs and says, 'what is wrong with you, you've been fine these last couple of days' I said ' I don't know whats wrong with me, I just feel really down'. So he said 'why don't you come with me and Chris' so I say 'I don't know if I want to come or not'. So he then said to me ' You've got to snap out of this now.' So I said 'I cant just snap out of it, you don't understand'. He said 'Well I don't know what to do anymore' and he left the house in a mood.

I cried and cried and cried. I don't want to be like this, I don't know why my moods suddenly change, I don't know why I make things hard for myself. If I knew I would do something about it. I feel sick. I feel unwanted, I feel that everything John is doing today is more important than me, I just want him to hold me and tell me things will be ok. Why the hell am I being so bloody stupid. Im ruining everything. Im making John feel low. Its all my fault! Im scared to show my feelings. I cry on my own. Because I dont want to worry anyone. No-one helps me.

Im going to phone the doctor first thing Monday morning. I need to see her again. Ill go on the anti-depressants and I wont tell anyone. Ill deal with this on my own. I have to. John has lost his patience with me now. I dont blame him. I'm just a miserable silly cow that wants her own way all the time.