Monday

Beginning of another week.

Bit of a funny week this week. Im off work still but feel like I should be back by now. It seems a long holiday! This time next week though I will be thinking it wasnt such a long holiday! Mind you we will only be back six weeks and then we get another week off and we have two more bank holidays to come!

John's meeting tomorrow! He finds out what is in store. Job or not job. We will know tomorrow night!

I have booked an Ann Summers party for Thursday night. Invited all my girlie friends to come round and have a really good laugh. Ann Summer parties are always such a laugh. I felt I needed a good girly evening! Might even buy some nice undies!! Hee hee!!! But, the girl who hosts it has messaged me on facebook to say she cant do it! So she is going to find someone else to do it. Ive also sent a message to another friend that I know does them! Otherwise we will just have a girlie evening without the Ann Summers!

Today John didnt feel like working today with this meeting looming tomorrow. Infact none of his colleagues felt like working either. So we went over to Rye. A lovely little town not far from us. We walked round the streets and stopped for lunch. Lunch was a bit disappointing but it was nice to be out and about. And probably the last time we will go out for lunch. Things like that will have to stop!

Tomorrow Im going to cook a stew in the morning, beef stew! Or casserole I suppose as Im putting it in the slo-cooker! I will then be meeting up with my friend Carol and we will walk our doggies! Then in the evening I will go visit my friend Maria. I dont know if I told you or not but do you remember when my friend had a dog called Poppy. Well poor Poppy died a few months ago but Maria has got herself another doggy called Rocky. He is lovely but a bit lively! He is only a pup. We think he is only 18 months old. She got him from a place called Second Chance - its a rehoming centre for doggies.

Wednesday Im going to meet my friend Sue for the morning and then after that Im walking my doggy with my friend Lucy and her doggies. Lucy is the teacher of the class I work in and it will be so nice to see her outside of school.

Thursday Im spending the day with my god-daughter and her mummy and her gorgeous baby sister. We are going to have a go on the Wii fit!! Then thursday night is my girlie night!

Friday Im going to go visit my Mum and Dad. Looking forward to that!

Saturday is free, phew!

Sunday we are meeting John's daughter for a picnic. We are going to Bedgebury Pinetum which is a lovely man-made wooded area.

Then its back to school!!

Laine xx

Saturday

It's a beautiful sunny day, I've been laying out in the sun on my sun lounger and soaking up the rays. It did get a bit chilly though, it's not like its really summer sun yet. It's ok to lay out there in jeans and fleecy top but too cold to put shorts on I think! I went out with all intentions of reading my book but I fell asleep. I needed the sleep though after not sleeping much in the last week.

I feel much better about my hospital visit today. I feel much more positive and hopeful that the injections will work. John doesnt feel so down about his job either. As Stuart says its not worth worrying about stuff til it happens really. He is right. Such a wise man our Stuart!

John is outside with his son Chris, they are fixing the front gate on the side of the house. Im at a bit of a loss as to what to do. There are lots of things I could be doing in the house but I really cant get motivated. Im quite sleepy actually. I did start taking my meds again last night and I slept like a rock. For the first time in ages. So why am I still sleepy now!

Im thinking of getting some conifers to put along a fence in our garden. The neighbours who back onto the fence keep kicking footballs at the fence and yesterday hit the fence so hard that it broke the fence. I dont see any point in paying out for new fencing there if they are going to abuse it so I was looking at conifers today, we could put them alongside the fence. They would hide the holes and they would also give us some privacy. They are £20.00 each! I know they can grow quite high but I would try keep them cut down. Something to think about when we can afford it.

Laine xxx

Hello

Thank you all for caring so much. It really means alot! They say you always turn to an old friend when you have trouble and I did just that I turned to all of you. My lovely Jland people. Thank you.

This is how it went today.

First of all I was a bit fed up as I didnt see my usual consultant, he was there but I had to see his assistant. From that point I felt that I wasnt going to get the news I had hoped for. Actually, to be honest, I dont really know what I had hoped for. I can tell you that I was so nervous. I felt sick, I was shaking. I was in a right state! How stupid!!

Anyway, they showed me the MRI pictures and they explained that they didnt think at this point an operation would work, infact they said an operation could make me worse. They said that the disc that protruded before had sort of gone back in but was badly worn. There is another disc that protrudes a bit and is near the sciatic nerve. They said the sciatic nerve is reacting to it and that's what is causing me pain and discomfort in my leg and foot. They have offered me injections that will go deep into my spine and give me strong pain killers and anti-inflammatories. This will calm down the nerve and the pain should go. John asked about the longevity of the injections, her answer was that by the time the pain killers wear off then the nerve will have got used to the narrowing and it should then have calmed down by then. They are not sure about the pins and needles in my toes though. She sort of inferred that its probably too late for anything to be done about that. Like the damage is done! I was a bit cross because before the MRI my consultant had said that they could almost certainly get rid of the pins and needles too. It would just be the numbness that wouldnt disappear.

But at least its not as evasive as an operation and I will only be off work for a couple of days instead of six weeks. I just only hope it works! They will follow up after and help me get the strength back in my foot as it doesnt work properly. I cant keep sandals on or flip flops and I cant put any weight on it. I feel a bit down coz I never got definate answers but then I feel relieved coz I havent got to have an operation. At least they are doing something! I just cant help feeling like Ive been fobbed off. I asked what would happen if the injections dont work and she couldnt really answer. I actually think they dont really know what to do with me.

I asked what would I do if the pins and needles dont go away as they drive me mad at night and I dont want to be on medication forever. She said that it might only be a case of keeping on with the Amitryptiline.

I still feel like I dont really know whats happening. It could be up to 3 months before I get these injections done! They took an x-ray of my back today too so they can see what's happening with my bones. I should get the results of that in 14 days. I should hear within the week when my appointment will be for the injections.

Also today, John had a letter about his job. It was calling all Sales staff in for a meeting next Tuesday. It says that there is a proposal for another company to buy the division that John is in. They are basically being taken over. John knows the company in question and he knows that they wont take on the staff. So in a couple of months time John will almost certainly be out of a job. But we shall see, they may take on a few of them. Lets just hope! Hope is a big word of the day!

Zoe!!! So good to see you and thank you for your kind words.

Thank you.
Laine xxxx

Thursday

Hello my lovely friends.

I do feels better today. I've had a lovely day and the sun has been shining all day.

Your right Stuart!!! I do love your phrase! I remember thinking about those words when I had my MRI scan. And its so true it does pass. This time tomorrow I will be writing to you and telling you all about my consultation and what the results are!!

Til tomorrow my friends. xxxxx

Wednesday

You are all so kind, thank you.

I feel funny today. I had such a lovely weekend. John, Oscar and me. Just us and the numerous people in the New Forest of course! It's all back to normal now. John worrying about work and me worrying about John. Im fed up with being fed up! You go on a high and then when you hit the low its hard to get up again!

John can get his frustration and anger out in one go. It all comes out like a volcanoe - he erupts and then he feels better. I, on the other hand, get affected by this volcanoe and I have the smouldering lava on me for days! It takes me alot longer to shake it off. So then I go into a sulk worrying about him and he then wonders whats up with me. A viscious circle could then occur!

I've had a bit of a bad tummy today. I do get IBS when Im nervous. Im not consciously nervous about the hospital on Friday but I must be deep inside coz its affecting my bowels. Sorry! Prob too much information!

I will know Friday whats going to happen. Thats all I can think about at the moment. I just want to know now!

Sorry Im being very down.

Stuff

Ive got the hospital on Friday - I should at last find out what can be done for me concerning my back! Im bloody nervous! Dont mind admitting that! I keep having nightmares about the operation - I might not even have an operation! Who knows - it will all be found out on Friday and I will let you know!

John and I have spend the Easter weekend in the New Forest. It was really lovely. I enjoyed seeing the ponies and the donkeys. I loved seeing cows walking down the High Street in Beaulieu! Ive got some photos and will put them on soon.

Sorry Ive not been writing much. I sort of keep losing the will to do it! Not good I know!!

Laine xxxxx

I tried!

Ive tried to do an entry several times in the last few days and gave up as it kept disappearing! I got fed up I did!

Ive been in pain again. But, Im hoping that my MRI scan date will come through soon then the consultant can go ahead with my operation!

Ive been wondering what to do with my life. Sounds strange I know. Well you are probably thinking to yourselves, well she has just got herself that job she always wanted, and I have and Im really happy there. There are issues but there are in any job. You see, John's job is looking very dicy lately, he could lose it at any time and also he is very very miserable as he works so hard but his colleagues seem to always do things wrong to make his work fail or make John look stupid. Long story so wont go into it but the upshot is that weve got to think of someway for John to leave work and be happy!

Lots of options:

He could concentrate on his business for selling handles. He makes and sells stainless steel handles but he only does it very part-time at the moment. He has all the machinery and he has perfected the handles. He does have one buyer that is reliable too. The only thing about doing it full-time is that he is worried that a) he might not get more customers, b) he might hurt his back doing it full-time (coz his back is dodgy) and c) it will be very hard-going at first money wise. Advantages, he would stop hating Sunday evenings and Monday mornings, he would not be bored anymore, he would work for himself, he would be happier!

He would have to think of other things to do as well as the handles. The thing is we do not have any savings and have some debt so it would be hard to just get rid of the day job. If his job did come to an end then we would be forced into doing something.

Now, if John does decide to work for himself I may start thinking of things that I could do too. We are both fed up being in the rat-race. You know, like being governed by other people, rules and regulations. At the moment we find that the weekends are so precious but go much too quickly. Im ok once I get to work, I do love my job but I love John more and want him to be happy, I want us both to enjoy life! Life is so short. There are so many things I want to do!

Here is a list of options for me for working from home;

Be a foster carer (well both John and I want to do that) we have discussed at length and really miss our children being little. I would love to give children the love that we have to give. I know it wouldnt be easy but it would be very rewarding too.
be a respite carer,
be a doggy boarder, look after people's doggies when they on holiday or at work, a dog-walking service maybe (not possible til Ive had me op though)
Start up a shop on Ebay, I want to start a craft shop, scrap-booking materials etc.
Breed Golden Retrievers.
Some sort of social care work, with children who need time out and someone to talk to.
An art group for local community.
Parent and Toddler art group, or art group for kids.
Set up my own cleaning business.

So you see I have lots to think about.

John's brother recently was made redundant and he got a good pay-out so he is able now to do things that he likes doing, he has set up an ebay shop, his wife helps out with it too. His wife has her own cleaning/ironing business. He also trades on the stock exchange. He also has trained to be a driving instructor. His life is so so much happier now. He no longer dreads Sunday nights and Monday mornings. It was great to see them so happy. Oh I best give you a link for their shop!

It's Butterfly Nest Interiors.

Also, my brother gave up his job through ill-health and he now runs his own business as a painter and decorator. He is soooooo much happier. Makes you think though doesnt it!

I think we have to do something soon before John has a nervous break-down!

Thanks for listening.
Laine xxxxx