Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Joe's birthday.

Well my Joe is 15 today, makes me feel old. It felt funny as we had already bought him his present, a guitar, a little while back and any money he received he actually owed to us. But thats what he wanted so he was happy.

Quite an eventful day yesterday. I had lots of jobs to do, post office, Tesco and tidying up. It all felt a bit daunting. And, I had the Doctors first thing. Joe had the day off school, inset day. So he came with me. I did the post office first and that was easy. Tesco on the other hand was a nightmare, when we got there I'd forgotten my prescription so we had to go back home and get that. Getting the shopping in the trolley was ok, Joe and I went round slowly. Joe got irritated by me when I couldnt find stuff and it was right in front of me. I do still get a little panicky in there. I hate it! At the tills it was a nightmare. When it was our turn the girl said 'sorry no carrier bags' typical that I'd forgotten my own bags. I just stood there and stared at her. I had loads of shopping, how was we going to manage. She said, 'you can have a bag for life for 10p', I just continued to stare at her. She then said you can have two for 10p. So then I said 'well that will have to be then. I bought two and when the two were full I started to panic coz all that was left then were tiny little Tesco bags, why the hell did Tesco run out of bags? Probably not a problem to most people but I was really getting stressed by now, I was getting hot and the girl just kept pushing stuff through, I then said quite abruptly, 'if you go slower I can cope!' - 'I cant cope if you keep chucking it at me, and I have no more bags'. She wasnt very happy and not at all patient. Anyway I bought more bag for life bags. But I wasnt happy and it was so so stressful. Im not doing that again for a while.

Least we are no ok incase it snows bad.

Then I got home and I'd forgotten my tablets! So I had to go back to Tesco again to pick them up. I keep forgetting stuff, all the time!

John came home about seven, he was very very tired. I told him all about my Doctor visit and he didnt really react much. I then said to him quite abruptly, 'look I'm depressed' thats why Ive got the tablets. The kids were there at this moment. I said to them all, please have patience with me, Im not well and the Doctor is helping me. They all just look at me. They dont really know what to say. I got big anxiety attack then as John was really moody and I didnt feel he cared what I was saying. He said 'whats up now, you were ok just now'. I tried to explain it to him and he said that he was sorry, he had had a very bad day and was very very tired.

Then, we had a text from Joe's Dad to say that when Joe was very low at the weekend he had said to his Dad that he never does anything on his birthday. I showed John the text and it was like lighting a fuse to a bomb, John went mad! It's hurtful. I was very cross too. Every year we ask Joe what he would like to do for his birthday and he says can he have friends round and we do. We do a big tea and a cake and his friends all come round. He had said that every year Sam goes out for a meal, yes thats because thats what Sam likes to do, he doesnt have friends round, also Joe hates restaurants and never wants to eat out! Unbelievable arent they kids!!

Still we woke up this morning and celebrated Joe's birthday all sitting on my bed opening his cards. He seemed very happy this morning. It will be interesting what happens today as its his first day back and he will probably see Paige. Cant stop him seeing her at school.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a film on my iphone, shrek, I listened to an audio book, I read another book, I massaged my legs, I took painkillers, I just could not sleep. I eventually dropped off about 4.30. I think I may go back to sleep this morning for a nap.

Monday, 29 November 2010


I was about to start writing today and this fella sat looking at me. So I thought I'd take a picture of him and show you. He is my constant companion. He listens and never answers back. He loves me unconditionally, well maybe he needs a walk and food, but mostly unconditionally. He understands when Im sad and he rests his head on my knee to let me know he is there. Hes been so brave having a huge operation and getting over it so well. I love my dog!

I went to the Docs this morning. I rang them from bed at 8.30 and they said there was an appointment at 9.10!!!! Well Ive never got ready so quick, did me good really as I would have just laid in bed all morning otherwise. She has given me anti-depressants, I told her everything. She told me that she specialises in Mental Health, so I have the right Doctor. She said she was proud of me of how I have dealt with the last week but it had obviously knocked me back. She said it took huge courage to go back to her today. I only went coz people nagged me to go. Im so glad I saw her though. I have to phone her on Friday and she will sign me off for another two weeks. My meds may take a couple of weeks to work and they might make me more anxious in the first few days of taking them.

I've got to get to Tesco to put the prescription in, I need to do some shopping but not sure if I can do it on my own. I might take Joe with me as he has the day off today. I really cant face it on my own. I also need to go to the post office as Ive sold a book on Amazon. Its quite alot for me to think about doing in one day. I think I will do the post office first then while Im in Tesco I havent got that to worry about. I worry about where Im going to park and whether there will be a queue or whether I'll see someone I know, I dont like seeing people out at the moment, I dont know why! One step at a time.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Thank you

Thank you so so much for all your comments yesterday, I have taken on board everything all of you have said. They all make very good sense. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. I might not have met you all but you really don't know how much I value all your opinions, I do think of you all very highly. Thank you, I'm sending my love and hugs to every one of you.

I've chatted with Paige's mum on the phone. I was shaking when I called her. But, everything was fine, she is calm now and so is her Dad. They didnt want me to send them the letters, they said just bin them. Of course, we are going to keep them. I said that I was scared of what might happen to Joe, she said not to worry and everything is fine. She said that she will deal with Paige. She also said thank you very much for letting her know. She said that one day may be, when they are older they could be together but for now they are much too young. I agreed. You won't believe the relief that this gave me, I'm still shaking from it now as I type this to you all. When I came off the phone I cried and cried, John held me and said how proud of me he was.

John and I had a big heart to heart this morning. It did us good to talk. We went for coffee in town and John agreed that I should go back to the Doctor tomorrow morning. He said how he had been feeling and I said how I had been feeling. We had lots of cuddles and we are going to work together. We had grown apart this last week and thats not good. (I agree with you Lynn, he has been suffering too and I couldnt see that!) I told John Im going to go on anti-depressants tomorrow and he said that he is worried it will affect the fostering. The fostering wont be for months yet and I know that we will be very good at it. We have got through a very difficult week and the Doctor had told me I needed meds and I got through it without them! Ive been hard on myself, but no more.

I feel more positive about the future. I have talked to Sam in depth, I'm working with him. Both my boys are good boys, we are just going through teenage stages.

John has problems with his 18 year old, James, James is on drugs and drinking and not working and being abusive to his mum. His mum talked to John on Friday and she is going to kick him out after Christmas. We dont blame her, he is nearly 19 and he has had so many chances of work but he turns them down. She has tried hard with him but he just wallows in his room all day, goes out at night, gets drunk and is abusive to her. He never pays her anything for his keep. He doesnt talk to John about it. We dont blame her for wanting to chuck him out.

I feel more positive today, the first thing I will do tomorrow is see the Doctor and tell her everything. I WILL go on them meds!

I finished Professor Layton last night! Now what am I going to do with my time. I'm going to try start reading again this week, even if its a little at a time. I'm going to make sure I take Oscar out every day. John said I should set myself a little task at a time and do them. I will.

Thank you again my lovely people.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

can't snap out of it

I feel very low this morning, very low.

The morning started with John and I discussing the letters that Paige has sent to Joe. John had read them before I got up. We talked about the fact that we think Paige's parents should see the letters. John repeated how scared he is of this bloke coming round and breaking our legs. We have decided to tell Joe we have got letters but he is not to see them and explain to Joe what will happen if he makes contact with Joe. We then thought what about if Paige then gets upset with Joe and makes up stories to his Dad about Joe to get her own back. We don't know! So if we can find out their postal address from Joe we will post the letters to her Mum.

Then what I thought would be a nice relaxed morning turned into a nightmare for me. When John opened the fridge to get the milk out there was milk everywhere as the bottle had leaked. I got really cross and snappy with John about it and I actually treated him like he was a kid. When he tried to tidy up I snatched stuff away from him and said he wasn't doing it properly.

We then sat down for coffee and caught up with Emmerdale. John started talking about what tiles we should have for the bathroom and I paused the Emmerdale and said quite bluntly are we watching Emmerdale or discussing bathroom. I can't do both! So he shut up and we continued watching.

We usually go to Costa on a Saturday morning but John wants to suddenly start doing all the jobs that need doing in the house. Something I cant be doing with! He has said for years he will do stuff and has never got round to it. Now, suddenly he wants to do it this weekend.

I went up to get ready with the idea in my head that I would help John and go with him to B&Q and everything would be good. I was just finishing getting ready and he shouts up the stairs 'right Laine Chris and I are going up the tip now and then going to B&Q'. I immediately feel sorry for myself and want to cry. John comes up the stairs and says, 'what is wrong with you, you've been fine these last couple of days' I said ' I don't know whats wrong with me, I just feel really down'. So he said 'why don't you come with me and Chris' so I say 'I don't know if I want to come or not'. So he then said to me ' You've got to snap out of this now.' So I said 'I cant just snap out of it, you don't understand'. He said 'Well I don't know what to do anymore' and he left the house in a mood.

I cried and cried and cried. I don't want to be like this, I don't know why my moods suddenly change, I don't know why I make things hard for myself. If I knew I would do something about it. I feel sick. I feel unwanted, I feel that everything John is doing today is more important than me, I just want him to hold me and tell me things will be ok. Why the hell am I being so bloody stupid. Im ruining everything. Im making John feel low. Its all my fault! Im scared to show my feelings. I cry on my own. Because I dont want to worry anyone. No-one helps me.

Im going to phone the doctor first thing Monday morning. I need to see her again. Ill go on the anti-depressants and I wont tell anyone. Ill deal with this on my own. I have to. John has lost his patience with me now. I dont blame him. I'm just a miserable silly cow that wants her own way all the time.

Friday, 26 November 2010


Thank you for all your comments, I have been in constant contact with Sam today and he has said that his friends are going to help him give up smoking. Jane I think I made it sound like Sam is always out clubbing, he's not, he went to a gig last night at the Brighton Centre which he had had tickets for for his birthday, he went with a friend and his friend's Dad took them. He said he met someone at the gig who gave him the weed. He's not on drugs, at this moment in time I think he has only tried weed once and that was last night. I told him how stupid he was to take it off a stranger as it could be laced with anything! Sam only gets ten pounds a week, he was feeding his habit of smoking before by stealing out of my purse, which we found out recently.

Anyway, update on my youngest son Joe. He has gone to stay with his Dad for the weekend, not sure if I mentioned that! But I thought he could do with time with his Dad to try get over his broken heart. But ..... I got home today after a nice lunch out with my friend and on the door mat is a very bulky letter for Joe, hand delivered. I've opened it. It's Paige, she must have written him about three letters per day this week in the hope that she would see him at school but of course I kept him off school. They are such sad letters saying how much she loves him, saying that if she cant see him anymore she will put a gun to her head! She said she is sorry she put all the blame on him, she said that her Dad had beaten her, she has a bruise on her face and arm where he punched her! :0( She said that her parents are allowing her to see Joe at school and thats it. She says that they can get through it, he is her life and without him her life is not worth living. She said that when he smiles at her, her heart melts. It goes on and on its such deep writing for a 13 year old and oh so sad, it made me cry. I feel for her so so much. But we cant risk Joe seeing her, not with the violent Father she has.

I dont feel that Joe is safe even talking to her when her Dad is that violent. John said we must not let Joe see the letters or let Joe have anything to do with her. John said that when the Dad was on the phone to him the other night he gave John very violent threats, so violent that we would probably end up dead, all of us. That's what he was threatening. John said he hasnt told me the half of what he said. If he is prepared to punch his own daughter what the hell would he do to us? Its all too scary.

John is really low, he said he can't take anymore and he said he is worried about me on top of it all. He said that I life could be ruined by one violent man if Joe so much as looks at Paige. What do we do? Do I tell the Police? Was it just in his anger that this man said all these things. Would he really come and tear us limb from limb and make sure we were all dead! Did he really mean it?

Do I ring the Mother and please with her not to let her husband come and do us in? Do I tel lher that Paige has sent loads of love letters to Joe. We have kept our side of the bargain. I've kept Joe away from school. He hasnt been in touch with Paige.

I'm really scared now and at a loss as what to do.


My 17 year old, Sam, dropped another bombshell on me last night. He went to a concert and was offered weed and on his way home texted his friend to say 'do I smell of weed' and sent it to me instead of his friend. Talk about dropping yourself in it!

I was shocked, hurt and very disappointed! I really laid into him when he got home. I even threatened to chuck him out if he dared to take up smoking weed or even worse try harder drugs. That's always been my fear, that one day my boys may try weed then try something else and then so it goes on. All I can do is hope and pray that he doesnt get into drugs.

I was in a bit of a state but after a very welcoming message from a very dear friend, at a time when I felt very lonely, I felt better. Thank you my dear friend for being there when I was feeling very lonely and sad.

I've got to realise that Sam is being a normal teenager, he is doing what most 17 year olds do. He is going out partying, he is going to concerts, he is drinking sometimes, he is smoking and he has now tried weed. I dont approve of any of the things he has done lately but Ive got to be here for him when things go wrong, thats what parents do. Ive got to make sure he knows that he is loved and that he will always have a home. I shouldnt have told him I will chuck him out, thats a bit harsh. I regret that now. :0( I told him so, his reply was 'It's ok Mum, I needed a wake up call, I'm going to prove to you that I'm going to change.' I have to believe him, I have to support him, he's my son.
So my eldest son smokes weed! Great!

Thursday, 25 November 2010


I feel a bit low again today, my irritable bowel is painful and I didnt sleep too good last night, I was a bit restless. I had nightmares too, keep getting those!

It's strange this feeling. One day or minute I feel really good, then another I feel really frustrated and low and things just get on top of you. I'm having niggly arguments with John and he is all moody saying the house is a mess and that its got to be tidied up. I've been doing little bits and my intentions are to do more but I just dont get round to it. I think that is annoying him!

My friend took me out this morning and her husband gave her money for us to go have coffee, guess where we went? Yup Costa! hee hee. It was nice, but I was suffering a bit with pains in my tummy so I didnt enjoy it as much as I should of.

I havent eaten much today but I've prepared myself a nice dinner, Ive got roasted veg and chicken. It's funny how I can't eat during the day but I will eat dinner in the evening.

Joe is happier today, he is hoping to spend the weekend with his Dad but his Dad is moving tomorrow and might be too tired to come over to pick him up today as he has been packing all day. I think if his Dad does come it will be good for Joe. Joe's school is closed tomorrow and Monday so he has a nice long weekend.

Sam's being a good boy at the moment. He doesnt seem to be smoking as much, he said he would cut down and I believe he has.

John's daughter will be ringing tonight to tell us all about her trip to New York. She came back on Monday, she was there for 4 nights. She went on her own! Good for her I say. If she wants to do something she does it!

I wonder if we will get any snow, I know there is snow up North. We usually get it a few days after! I don't want it! It's nice the first day when everyone enjoys it, but then it's annoying when you can't get anywhere!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010


I have felt quite good today, not better, but good. I think it will take a while to get better. I went out to my friend's house and we went to her mum's who made a lovely stew and dumplings and had fruit cake for after. I really enjoyed it. It was good to get out.

Tomorrow Im out in the morning with my friend and neighbour Sally. We are going to go and have a mooch round the shops in town. Then in the afternoon, Jane from work, is coming to see me. So a full day tomorrow.

My friend from work, Pat, rang me this afternoon. Was so so nice to hear from her. Her and Jane are the only two that I have really gotten close too since working at the school. She cheered me up.

I'm hurting alot today. My sciatica is hurting and playing up today. Also I have quite bad stomach cramps and low back pain. At one point it was so bad I had to go and lay down to let it calm.

I've been playing my new DSi, Ive been playing Professor Layton 3, Im so addicted! Its the only thing I concentrate on for hours on end at the moment.

Joe has been wallowing in his sadness and broken heart. But he snapped out of it this evening when he had another lecture from me and John, then one from Sam, then his Dad called him. I think Joe realises now that we are telling him he cant see Paige for his own good and protection. I'm keeping him off school tomorrow too, he has an inset day Friday and Monday. So by Tuesday, which is his 15th birthday, he should be much better. He has eaten a little bit today so I'm pleased he is getting his appetite back. John and I have secured out laptops and not leaving anything around that can get him on the internet or give him access to Paige.

And Stuart I've bought more biscuits! :)

Tuesday, 23 November 2010


I'm in bed alone with just my thoughts and a thumping, thumping headache that Ive had all day.

I actually feel proud of myself that I have got through the day. Ive kept it together. I've looked after my boy, Ive cuddle him and told him I love him. Ive also told him off big time and told him how serious this whole thing is. He is being disciplined let me tell you. Ive told my Mum, Ive told my best friend. Thats it. No more! We move on.

I am slowly getting better but I'm not completely better. I am trying hard to do jobs. I start them but never finish them, thats just how I am at the moment. Im trying hard not to spend too much time wallowing in my own self-pity and I'm also going to try get myself to get up earlier and shower and get on with the day. Today I didnt get dressed til 1pm. Most days Im not dressed til about then. Its not good enough. Ive got to be more positive. I know this but its hard to do it!

I'm hoping this feeling will go away and that I dont need to have the tablets to make it go away. The doctor did offer them to me and I am very tempted at the moment. Anything to take this feeling away. But, Im going to try help myself get out of it.

I long to read a book again, I just can't concentrate for long enough. One step at a time though. I want to feel ok to laugh and smile and be happy, I just can't do that at the moment.

Tomorrow I have to get up because my friend wants me to help look after her baby whilst she has her hair done. Initially she said to me, come round and see me it will do you good. Then I realise that actually she wants me there to look after Bella. I do love Bella. She will make me smile, she will be one year old on Dec 18th. I think I should go. I'll see!

These last two days have been the hardest for a long time. But we are getting through. We havent heard from Paige's parents. We havent had anyone knocking on our door. Joe is safe because he is with me and Im not letting him out of my sight or John's sight til we feel its o.k.

I had to go pick up my neighbour's daughter from school today, Sally texted me this morning to say am I still able to. I nearly said no, for gods sake I'm ill. But then I decided I was being very silly and that having that to aim for was a good thing. Oh how little Livvy brightened up my day, she is ten years old. I picked her up and she chatted all the way home about her day, we had milkshakes together and chocolate and watched t.v. until her mum arrived to pick her up. Children really are a good medicine for bringing happiness into your life. I wish I was ten again!

We are nearly at the stage of the fostering process where we will be appointed an assessor and she will come round and chat to us and delve into our lives. I asked the doctor if I should carry on and she said of course, she said that I will make a brilliant foster parent. She said that I am strong and intelligent and that the very fact that I went to see her and am dealing with my problems shows that I can cope. I think a change of life is just what John and I need. We miss the children being little, we miss going out to zoos and parks and throwing bread to the ducks, that sort of thing. We need that back. Everything that has happened just lately is making us even stronger as a family, we have all talked alot and learnt alot of lessons. In a few months time when another little person enters our household we will all be ready and much wiser.
I held my baby boy in my arms,
I told him how much I loved him,
I told him how much everyone around him loves him,
I told him how proud I am of him,
How proud I am of him for getting 'A's in English,
How proud I am of him that he plays the guitar so beautifully,
How disappointed and angry I am but I'm not going to let anyone hurt him,
I told him we will protect him, love him and guide him through this difficult time.

He isnt crying anymore on the outside, he is playing his guitar and his music is crying, its beautiful music but so sad.

I just hope no-one hurts him, he isnt a boy that did this to brag or to hurt. He did it because he truly, truly loves her. How hard it is to be a teenager.

Its all a big mess.

Im sorry to have worried you all yesterday.

This has not been easy at all.

I think I told you all that we found out that Joe had slept with his girlfriend. He being nearly 15 and her 13 has not gone down too well with her parents as you can imagine.

I thought that the right thing to do was to inform her parents immediately as I could not harbour a secret like that about their daughter, thats just not right. John and I are quite liberal about these things, we do not condone under age sex though. I had spoken to Joe that he did realise that his girlfriend was very young and that he should not embark on any physical relationship with her whatsoever. I wasnt entirely happy that they were getting so close but I had warned him and her parents were trusting them both.

Anyway, I didnt have their phone number so I messaged Paige's mum on facebook.

She phoned me on Joe's mobile to ask what was going on. She said that Paige had sworn on her grandmother's grave, who she only lost 6 months ago, that she had not slept with Joe. I said well Im sorry they have and I felt that you should know before it went any further. Obviously she was devasted and upset.

About ten o'clock last night Paige's Dad rings me. He immediately starts with a threatening tone, I could not handle it and started shaking and crying and passed him on to John. He was obviously not happy to think that his baby girl had had sexual relations with Joe. But, of course, its all Joe's fault. She told her Dad that Joe had bribed her into doing it and that he would tell all his mates if she didnt. Thats a lie Joe didnt say that to her. He said that Joe had lied about his age. Joe had never told them how old he was. They could see by his prefect top what year he is in! He actually threatened to beat Joe up, a grown man wants to beat up a 14 year old! John said to him do you know you have threatened to beat up a child, and then he says to John I will come and do you over right now if you like! John kept very calm and kept reminding him gently that we had only wanted to do the right thing by telling him straight away. Then he would seem to calm down but then get very angry again. It was not nice at all. He demanded that Joe keep right away from Paige and that he is not to brag and if he finds out that Joe is bragging or goes near her again he will personally do Joe in! He proclaimed to have plenty of 'cousins' that could do the job for him! Oh what lovely people we have living in this world, does it all have to result to violence? He said to John I hope you have given him what for, and John said we deal with it in our way and violence is not our way. John said to him 'I assure you that Joe will be severely dealt with and that he will no how wrong it is'. Not enough for bullies though is it.

Imagine if we hadnt found out and her Dad found them out, my Joe would probably be in hospital bashed up. This is very serious and very very scary. All we can do now is stay low and make sure Joe is protected. Ive kept Joe home today, he is in absolute bits, he is heart broken, ashamed and very very empty. My baby! Im so so sad, Im so so frightened. It makes me feel physically sick!

I have de-activated Joe's facebook, Ive taken his mobile away from him, all for his own safety really. I havent deleted her mum off my facebook, I dont know what to do about that!

The Dad did threaten to go to the police, maybe thats better than him beating Joe up. Im now waiting anxiously for someone to bash my door down, or a policeman to knock on the door. My life feels like its falling to pieces! Not sure how much more I can handle. One positive is that I didnt have a panic attack, my anxiety never arose, its more like a very numb feeling, a sickening feeling of dread! I feel helpless and out of control. All I can do is keep cuddling my baby, he has a broken heart that needs mending.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Hate to see my baby heart broken :(


Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I will relax and thank you Stuart for the hug. I will let you know how I'm feeling. Writing in here is quite a good therapy for me.

I went and met my friend for lunch, John urged me to go, he dropped me into town and I did my post and I met her and had lunch, it was lovely.

I was looking at my emails whilst I was out and noticed that Sam has gone over on his phone bill, by £22.00. This is not the only time he has gone over. I'm not happy as he has unlimited text and 200 free minutes. Instead of paying £10.00 Ive got to pay £32.00, nearly as much as I pay for my iPhone bill! So he now owes me £70. John will talk to him when Sam arrives home from college no doubt.

Another bombshell drops on me today. John picks me up from town and says right are you ready for this one, I didn't want to tell you til you'd been to Doctors and met Sue. Its about Joe! Oh no! What has he done! Anxiety just wells up inside of me! John says, 'I found a condom wrapper under the sofa last night'. Joe must have had sex with his girlfriend whilst we were at the theatre yesterday. So he had lied to me, he said he was going to meet her at her house. The girl has only just turned 13. I have sat Joe down and explained to him that he must not have underage sex, he is only 14, 15 on 30th November (if he lives that long!). 13!!!! 13 years old and what the hell will her mum say if she finds out. She really trusts Joe. Her Dad went mad and grounded her when he saw them just holding hands. What the hell will he do if he knows that they've been having sex! The positive of this is that he is using a condom! I hope in the right way, imagine if she gets pregnant! I know her Dad is quite volatile and he wouldn't think twice about sorting Joe out. Oh my! What do I do now? I know that we will have to watch Joe very closely and not let him be in the house alone. They will find somewhere to do it though, even if we stop them from being in the house alone.

Can I get off this roller coaster now please!

Jan, she didnt say what the burping was all about! But I have read that anxiety can play havoc on your digestive system, so maybe thats it.


Ive been to the Doc and she has signed me off for another two weeks from today.

I do feel better now as that decision has been made. She said she was really pleased with my progress. She said that she can see that I am an intelligent woman, me? LOL, and that she can see that I am taking on board what she has asked me to do. However, she does think I am depressed and that I do have anxiety quite bad at the moment. She said that she could give me anti-depressants but I said I'll think about that as I'd have to be on them for six months and not come off. I'm not too sure I really need them. She said that if I was severely depressed she would urge me to take them but she said that I am depressed but not bad enough that I want to kill myself or anything like that, which is good. She did offer me counselling too which I can have if I feel the need. I'm not sure I want that at the moment, I did counselling once and it just made me feel worse quite frankly.

She said to keep writing things down and doing relaxing stuff.

Ive sent an email to work to explain it all. Thank goodness for email and I dont actually have to talk to work. I dont think I could do that. I felt very tearful coming out of the Doctors. I said to her that I felt like a fake and she said no you are very ill at the moment but you are coming through it and she said she was very proud of the way Im handling it. I told her that John looks like he cant understand me and she said that is very common, because people cant see a physical change in me they cant believe that Im ill. Thats the hardest thing to deal with as people expect you to be ok. John said to me, after I'd been to the Doctor, 'but you were ok yesterday!'. The doctor said to me yes you will get ok days but the problem hasnt gone and she said it will take months to get me back on track.

I asked her about the fostering and she said that in no way should I be worried about this affecting it at all. She said that I have dealt with this sensibly and she cant see a problem.

Phew! big Phew!

Sunday, 21 November 2010


Thanks for all your comments and support. Im trying not to worry too much. Sam's a good lad and Im sure we will get through this. Jane, Sam doesnt get EMA money, weve got to sort his money out and we are going to give him an invoice for the money he owes us, the money that he took.

We went to the theatre this afternoon, we saw a brilliant play called Skylight, written by David Hare. It was spellbinding, really good! If it comes to your local theatre I urge you to watch it. There was only a cast of three. It was about a girl who had been a mistress to a very successful business man and he suddenly came back into her life after three years, his son was also in the story. Brilliant! I felt good watching the play, I did feel a little anxious sometimes, I just wish I could relax and not worry about how long its going to be!

I bought a DSi today, Im really loving it. I sold my DS lite on Amazon for £85.00!! So I went up to Tesco with John and bought a DSi, £119.00, which came with Professor Layton 3 free! As I already have that game, which Im loving by the way, I then put the one I got for free on Amazon and sold it for £27!! So in the end I didnt have to pay much out for my new console. The new DSi has got more features on it than the DS Lite, it's got a camera on it!!!

Now, what do I need to say to the Doctor tomorrow,

Im still feeling anxious and really cant stop burping.
I feel tired.
My head feels all muzzy.
I feel strange!
I dont know what to say, I guess it will just come out when I see her!

I know one thing, Im worrying about everyone and everything!!!

Saturday, 20 November 2010


We spoke to Sam last night. (Jane he is 17) We spoke calmly to him, told him how disappointed we were. He was very sorry. It's hard to explain here what went on but we talked and talked. We let Joe talk too, after all Joe is as much part of this family as Sam and Sam needs to know how it affected him too (is it effected or affected?) anyway, Joe said that he was disappointed in him and that he couldnt believe he could still try to steal from me and know that he would be found out, especially when Mum is feeling ill at the moment and you can make her worse. At this point I broke down in tears. To hear my Joe speaking so sensibly and supportive of me was very touching. We asked Sam what he was going to do to try help himself get better, as we said to him he does have a problem and we all need to work together to get him better. He said that he needs to cut down the cigarettes and eventually try to give up.

Of course I had to tell his Dad, his Dad treats things differently to John and I, his Dad F'd and blinded at him down the phone, which I dont think is necessary but I cant stop what his Dad does.

Sam said he is going to try really hard to get a job so he can pay for his things (cigarettes) that he wants himself.

Im not going to hide my bag away, I want to trust him. I think that if he gets the urge to steal I'd rather it was from me than from outside the house. I will have a chat to Sam and see what he thinks. I'll ask him if he can trust himself me leaving my bag in the hallway still. John feels strongly about not changing what we do in the house. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

I got up this morning feeling better, had had a relaxing night's sleep, it was good to have spoken to Sam and got that out the way. As the morning went on though I felt anxious again, as we were getting ready to go to my Mum and Dad's it was horrible, the feeling just kept rising up and up. I dont know why as I had got up feeling fine.

I have felt like Im on another planet today, my arms have felt all heavy and my head has felt muzzy. It was lovely seeing my Mum and Dad. I was hoping my Mum would give me a cuddle but she didnt! She never ever does! :( We told them about Sam and they were disappointed and said that they thought we had dealt with it very well. My Dad gave me their pocket money and said to me, tell Sam that you are keeping it. I did'nt do that, I gave it to Sam hoping he would offer it to me but he didnt. Im hoping that he will try to pay me back one day.

Had some nice eats at my Mum and Dad's always nice eats there! And they gave us a lovely box of M&S choccies that we can eat tonight whilst watching X-Factor.

John is in a very funny mood, I think he is fed up with me again, thats how it feels. He is very tired. We had to drive into Brighton to drop Joe and his friends then we drove to my Mum and Dad's, had dinner with them then picked up Joe and his friends at 5.30. We didnt get home til just gone seven and then he had to go to Tesco. I said to him, dont go to Tesco as your tired and he said no Ive got to go as its the last day for the voucher for £7.00 off and we need the money right now! That makes me feel bad as Im off work at the moment and I wont be getting paid full pay. I think John thinks I should go back next week. I dont want to go back and then go back to where I started again! Im scared! I dont know what to think, I dont know what my head is going to do to me next! Im fed up burping like every five minutes! I cant wait to see the Doctor on Monday and see what she says as Im feeling anxious already.

Thanks for making me feel better with your comments everyone.

I havent checked spelling and that! It might be rubbish!

Friday, 19 November 2010


I wake up relaxed this morning as I know that John has taken care of the school run. I can't explain how much that helps me, not having to worry. I had found getting up in the mornings really hard. I find it hard getting myself motivated and ready let alone getting the boys up and taking them to school, college. So John has relieved me from that.

I lay in bed listening to my audio book last night, I found it hard to sleep but I must have slept as I kept waking up to different parts of the book. At one time though I did have to give in to my restlessness and put the light on and took some tablets. Once I was asleep I did sleep well. I will have to rewind my book tonight though.

I made myself shower and get dressed this morning instead of lounging in my dressing gown. I havent showered for a long time. It felt good! I dont know why I can never be bothered to get in shower. I always just have a quick wash.

John said to me I looked alot better this morning but he had some bad news for me that he didnt really want to burden me with but Sam has been taking money again and he had been in my bag again this morning. John had had a word with him on the way to college this morning and Sam admitted to it. Even though Sam knows Im ill at the moment he is still doing it! He never took the £10 out of my purse because I had written a note in my purse saying £10.00. John said he knew Sam had been in my bag as John had made sure my bag was fully done up and when he looked again the zip was open. Sam admitted that he took 20p from my purse. This hasnt done me much good, I wept when John told me. John said that he though I dealt with it much better than he imagined. Im not as bad as I was a couple of weeks ago as my medication has been increased now and that is controlling my anxiety. Its still there though I can feel it bubbling up inside and Im burping all the time!

We are going to sit Sam down when he comes in from college, Im dreading it! We are going to have Joe in on the conversation as well. Last time we protected Sam from having to confront Joe and his Dad. This time I think Joe should be involved and if Joe wants to say something he can. I feel that Joe should see that Sam is being punished and talked to for what he has done. I really dont know how to deal with this, he obviously has a problem and we need to get to the bottom of it. I will be telling his Dad after we have spoken to him. His Dad will not be happy, he will deal with it in a different way but thats out of my control.

Even though I felt brighter this morning Im not sure if Im ready to go back to work next week or not, I feel that I need to learn how to control my anxiety and stress. Im hoping the Doctor can help with that next week.


Thursday, 18 November 2010


Slept in til 10am, I'd had a bit of a disturbed night, tossing and turning, waking up and not getting back to sleep.

John took the boys again so I didnt have to worry.

I felt so so tired when I woke up, I had such a back ache too.

My brother rang me. Just to put you in the picture, my brother suffers from anxiety disorder, he had quite a big breakdown a while back and he is better now but has to be careful. He has learnt to control it. He had therapy which he has recommended to me. He said that the things I was telling him was a mirror image of himself and that I should get help before things get worse. He said to me that I should suggest to my Doctor about CBT, Cognitive Behavour Therapy, think thats what its called. It was so good to talk to my brother, he said he feels so distant.

I went back to bed after talking to my brother, just so so tired. John was off work so he came in for a cuddle, which was nice as I really needed him to be close. We both slept until 2.30! Whoops!

At about 5.30 we went to Tesco to do the big shop, I was dreading it. I felt anxious the whole way round. I did it though! I felt pleased with myself. Couldnt have gone without John though.

Very tired now, feel achey. Looking forward to a relaxing evening. Just cooking dinner. Something easy, lasagne, just pop it in oven!

Im going to need your help bloggy people to write my bullet points for the Doctor. I'll start putting them on here and then decided what's best to tell the doctor.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010


I phoned docs and tried to get in earlier, the earliest I can get in is Monday, better than waiting for Tuesday I suppose.

I know there is more I need to say to her but I dont know how. As soon as I go in there I clam up and I had written it all in my diary but she didnt read it properly! Im a bit concerned about the anxious feelings I have all the time.

Its good to talk about it, I feel that that is helping. But I still worry about stuff, about when shall I go back to work. That there is a school trip next week and if I dont go back I'm letting my little boys down. I promised them I'd be with them on that trip :0(.

There is so much I need to do.

I need to get back into reading, at the moment I cant concentrate to read for long. I was at a coffee shop today with a paper and I couldnt finish an article. Its hard to stay focused on one thing for long.

I need to get the spare room sorted out. So much washing there and so much junk you would not believe! Actually the whole house needs sorting.

I need to look after myself a bit better. I dont bother showering most mornings. I have a wash (Im not smelly!) but I dont look after myself like I used to.

I need to stop worrying about other people so much, I take on everyone's problems and have so many friends that need me. I cant do that anymore, not for a little while anyway.

I need to cuddle John more. He is being neglected and I do love him.

I need to stop worrying about my boys. I feel that Sam is lieing to me all the time and I dont trust him one bit.

Ive got to eat better. Ive not got the best appetite at the moment and I burp all the time! All the time! Its embarrassing!!

Ive got to walk more with Oscar and build his walking up so his leg gets better. He is getting better bless him and his walks can increase now.

Basically Ive got to stop worrying and as Ma says Ive got to start looking at the positives!

Yes that's what I'll do.
Jane says:
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?

My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.

Stuart says:

It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email

My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.

Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x

Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.

Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx

Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.

Ma Says:

It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!

My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.

Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

time to rest


Doctor's appointment. Was sitting in waiting room feeling very anxious. Two ladies were talking to me. I didnt really hear what they were saying, I nodded and smiled. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I was busy thinking about what the Doctor would say.

The Doctor, Dr Kucher, is so so nice. She welcomes me with a warm smile and asks me to take a seat. She asks how I am and it all comes out. She read my diary. Well scanned it. I wouldnt expect her to read it all it would take hours! Bit like a novel of my thoughts! I told her I was blogging again and she said that was brilliant. She said that I looked much better than last week. She was pleased to see some positives in my diary.

She said she wants me to try techniques for getting to sleep, like reading a book, having a bath, watching a film and relaxing. Now I wasnt about to tell her that for the last ten or so years Ive tried all those things! Even taking tablets havent helped in the past. If my mind is racing, its racing. My mind wont let me watch a film and read a book. My mind wont let me stay in a bath coz I dont like it for too long! I just nodded and smiled. She said that I had to self-certificate myself off work to start with then she will sign me off as need be when I next see her. Im signed off til Tuesday. I see her again on Tuesday and then I will phone work and let them know how I am. Im not ready to go back to work yet.


I get home from picking my friend's little girl up from school and there is a boquet of flowers at my door. Someone from work had left it there for me. There was a card too. It said that they were all thinking about me and hoped I'd be back soon. Typical that I was out when someone came by. They probably think Im fake! Anyway I emailed them my thanks and said I was up at Tesco picking up my meds. (Which reminds me, I havent picked my packet up yet. One thing I forgot to ask the Doc is when I can up my meds. Last time I upped them after a week.


Having snooze on sofa. Text message wakes me up. Joe: 'Can you pick me up please'. Why does it always happen when your resting! So up I jump. Get ready and go get Joe. I pick him up from Asda entrance and seeing as I was there I thought I'd get some milk. Well it turns into a bit of an expedition and as the store only opened yesterday there are teething problems and we got caught up in the wrong till with problems! I got very panicky and anxious. I could feel the feeling rising and rising it was horrible. I really dont think Im ready for taking myself shopping yet! That was a bit ambitious!


John rings. He is stuck in traffic. He is very very tired. I tell him how I feel and he says oh dear that is not right and is a bit cross with me for trying to do too much. Dont blame him really. It seems its a good job I havent gone back to work yet then! John warns me that when he gets in the door he will have to go chill out upstairs for a bit, in other words he wont want me going on and on when he gets in! I think I get the message!

Ive got a questionnaire thing to fill out from the Doctor about being depressed, after looking at it I think I am!
Monday 19:15

Butterflies like you wouldn’t believe. Feel very strange, empty and just not right.


Have felt strange and anxious all evening. I wish this anxious feeling would go away. Keep burping all the time too. Its horrible. John away tonight. I don’t like him being away.

My Joe is in bits this evening. Had a disagreement with his girlfriend. Its all far too intense and he takes things to heart. He got himself in such a state and Im the only one here to deal with it. John not here. Its hard.

My leg hurts, dull aches. Absolutely shattered so I hope I sleep better tonight.

Tuesday 07:16

Very very tired, I wish I could wake up feeling refreshed. I just don’t want to wake up. I could sleep forever. I did sleep better last night, although it still takes me ages to get to sleep. But once I was asleep I didn’t wake up.

My head is muzzy, my tummy feels empty and I keep burping but I don’t want to eat. I have a heavy period, I really need to sort my coil out but never get round to making an appointment. When I get back from the doctors today I want to get back in bed and sleep.

What I want is to wake up not feeling empty, wake up eager to start the day.

I ran out of time as usual! Its so hard getting up getting motivated. Getting the boys motivated, sorting out the dog. Then Sam couldn’t find a t.shirt. I feel bad as all the clothes are just in a heap in the spare room. I wash them, dry them and then do nothing with them, I really must sort it out! There is so much to do before a foster child arrives, the spare room needs clearing out. John said that if we were further down the line I could give up work so I could get house ready. I wish we knew. I wish I had a simple job like a checkout girl at Asda, in a bright green shirt!

I got flustered in the car as it was all iced up and I was trying to clear it and then Sam turns radio up and I snap at him. All because Im anxious about what Im going to say at the Doctors today. I wish I could just be calm, get all the jobs done in the house, read a lot, go for a long walk. Be me, do something for me!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Big Sigh

I seem to do alot of sighing lately! Ive done a lot of that today.

Ive had a good day, my friend Joe rang me this morning. It was him I went to last week after my Doctor vist as Joe lives right opposite the Doctors! Very convenient for tea and chat!

He said that he wanted to take me out to cheer me up. So off we went to our brand spanking new Asda, opened today! I thought it was going to be chaos and I thought I wouldnt be able to hack it but it was really good. We found a parking spot and we got round the shop not too bad, although it was very very busy. I did feel a bit flustered sometimes and anxious but I was ok. We finished our shopping at 12.00 so Joe suggested we went out to lunch. He treated me :0) (Huge smiley face). It was lovely as we could have a really good chat. It helped me such a lot. Joe is such a good friend always there when you need him.

I got home about one and then at 2.30 my friend from work, Jane, came to take me into town so I could bank a cheque. We had coffee in Costa :0)!!! Even bigger smiley face!! I had a lovely Latte and a lovely Lemon cupcake. We chatted and I felt better. She said work were ok about me being off. Everyone understands.

I feel very apprehensive about going to the Doctors tomorrow. Quite scared in a way. I don't want her to say Ive got to go back to work. Im not ready yet. Im not strong enough. Things make me want to cry, Im nervous. Im not very strong at the moment.

The thing is I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Ive been out, Ive chatted, Ive laughed, I have to get on with stuff, housework, kids so why shouldnt I go back to work?

Thank you all for your comments, its so lovely to be welcomed back. I abandoned you for so long and yet your all here to welcome me and comfort me with your kinds words. Thank you.


Ive decided to write my blog again, I went to the Doctors last week. Ive not had a very good time of it lately. I had high blood pressure and the doctor could see I was very anxious. Ive had alot of anxiety lately, every day! My Doctor asked me to keep a feelings diary. Here is a excerpt from it to give you an idea how I am at the moment.

Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.

• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.

Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.

Am I depressed? I dont know.

John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!

:( sad!