Monday, 20 December 2010


OOOH its a whole week since I wrote, I'm so sorry! I didnt even realise its been that long.

I'm doing ok! I went to the Doctors on Friday and she said she was really pleased with my progress, she said she had been very worried about me and she was going to try me with counselling but she is going to leave that for now as she is so pleased with my fast progress. She suggested a phased return back to work. So I wont be going back full-time straight away, in fact I probably wont do full-time ever again.

The school sent me a wonderful DVD of their nativity, it was so so sweet and I realised how much I miss them kids. My class also sent me a huge get well soon card, they had all signed with little faces on of themselves. I've got a few pressies from them too.

The snow is really getting to me now, our main roads are ok, but our little road is iced over really bad and none of the cars can get out, except the 4x4s grrr! I'm so worried as I havent finished christmas shopping yet, I need more food! We are supposed to be getting more snow today too. I think I will have a walk up to Tesco later and get as much as I can carry. My neighbour said that if we cant get our Christmas food and our kids cant get here (John's kids) then we will go to her for christmas dinner! How lovely!

Monday, 13 December 2010


I've been off work nearly a month now. I got a letter today from East Sussex County Council, who are my employer, they said that I will get full pay up until 12th January and then after that it will go to half pay. So that's good news! I won't be going back full time, I will prob ask if I can just do mornings or just three days. Anyway, that's next year!

My mood has been lifted somewhat. I'm still not right yet though. Just little things tell me that. My anxiety is no where near as bad as it was, it doesnt hurt so much now, it's still horrible when I get it but not as fierce.

The pain in my foot though, that is driving me mad. It's not so constant as it was the last few days. I mean from Wednesday to Sunday it was constant, there was no reprieve, then yesterday afternoon the pain just stopped! Just like that! But it came back again in the night. I hardly had any sleep. Then it was gone by the morning and it has been gone most of the day, so I can only guess then that its getting better.

I took the boys to school this morning and then when I got home I went back to bed and slept there til 1pm! I was just so so tired. But, here I am sat in bed and the pain is back again with a vengance.

I phoned the hospital to see when Im going to have the spinal probe and Ive got to wait til Feb 22nd, typical that its the boys appointment in London that day too. So I'll have to change their appointment which is a nuisance but I can't stand this pain. Not sure I can wait that long anyway. Because its a nerve pain its hard to rest it, or massage it, or even put warmth on it. It won't respond to anything, not even painkillers.

John is away tonight. He had to go to Manchester.

Cant write anymore because of the pain, will write again tomorrow. xx

Sunday, 12 December 2010


OOOOPS sorry to Stuart about the feet, no more feet pictures I promise!

Sara Sara your room is ready and waiting and I have a special story book just for you!

I've been doing really well, I've had a better mood and been feeling a lot happier but then I've been in pain for about 4 days with my sciatica and it's taken its toll on me today. Not being able to sleep and being in pain is horrible. Because its a nerve pain I can't soothe it with warmth or anything it just stays there no matter what I do. I am so so tired, a horrible tiredness that makes me feel sick and dizzy. I tried to sleep it off most of the day and then about 2.30 we went in to town. It seems miraculously that the pain has disappeared since we've been to town. It does this, I have periods of where it will hurt like mad for days then suddenly calm down. I just hope it stays away long enough for me to sleep tonight.

Joe is at a concert tonight with my friend, he is seeing Bullet For My Valentine (please don't ask, not my kind of music). Anyway, he was so so excited but its at Wembley Arena so he will be very late back, probably about 1.00am. So I will have to wait up for him. So good of my friend to take him but she doesnt mind the music, if you can call it music that is.

We have the social worker coming on Tuesday to interrogate us further. John is worried about me being off work. I told him not to worry as Im getting better every day. He's not sure if we should tell her or not. He really is worrying quite a lot but he is so so tired and so busy. Tomorrow he has to go to Leatherhead, then to Southend and then to Manchester all in one day. He will stay over night in Manchester. I think that is too much for him in one day. He's been doing work all day today too to catch up as he needs stuff done by 9am tomorrow morning. It's so hard seeing him so stressed and tired.

Quite a lot happening next week, we get our new oven on Wednesday, ordered it yesterday, our oven really is on its way out and we thought that it would be nice to have a new one for Christmas. I'm excited about that arriving. I've got tons of Christmas shopping to do and parcels to post off. Cards to write and send. Having my hair done on Thursday, Oscar has to go to the vets for his check-up and my friend's baby is one year old on Saturday but I'm going to her little party on Friday. That will be nice. She same birthday as you Sara Sara! ;0) It all feels like a lot of stuff and I wonder how I'll get it all done. We also have to get a lot of paperwork together for the social worker.

OOOOh and guess what I read a book from start to finish, started it yesterday and finished it today. I'm so pleased with myself as I've not read a book for ages and ages! :0)

Wednesday, 8 December 2010


Not feeling so good tonight, didnt feel bad all day but this evening I got low again. The trouble is when you feel on a high its a hard fall back down again when you feel low.

I had quite a good day, met up with my friend Tania and her baby Belle (who is a year old next week!) and we went to visit her mum who fed us and gave us tea.

We had a late dinner as the physio came to see Oscar and she took longer than I thought. He is doing really well bless him.

John didn't get home til really, really late and he was very very tired. He has to drive 2 and a half hours to work, do a 9-5 day then drive the same back again. Its not good as he has to do it again tomorrow and then tomorrow evening has to have a christmas social with his work colleagues which he is not looking forward to. Of course he can't drink as he is driving.

We sort of had a bit of a bicker at each other, he was tired and I was fed up with being in pain. Also I find it hard to sympathise when Im low myself. Not a good combination. I can feel myself getting better though, I did have a much better day today just feeling low tonight and I think that's because I'm worried about John.

I'm thinking of emailing work tomorrow to ask if it's possible to just work mornings, I am only contracted for just mornings but I do extra hours in the afternoons. I think I won't be able to cope with all day straight away, even though I only do all day three days a week.

To answer your question Sara Sara, I think we would prefer little ones from baby to about age ten/twelve I think. Not sure we could have another teenager in the house with two here already. I really would like a younger child around the house again. I don't think we will actually get a placement til about April time, that gives me time to get better and also the weather will be much nicer and trips out will be easier!

Tuesday, 7 December 2010


Today I didn't get up early and I didn't have a shower and I was slow, but I had alot of pain last night. My pain has come back! With a vengeance. Just when I think I'm getting better!

I managed to get up about 10.30. John is so good, he doesn't mind and he takes the boys to school/college. Tomorrow though he is not here so Ive got to do it. So it means getting up at 6.50 and doing the school run.

Sam didn't have to be at college til 1.00pm today so John suggested we took him and went into town for a coffee. I had to be ready by 12.30. I just about made it! I nearly didn't wash my hair but I made myself, oh I felt so much better for doing that. Even though I just had a wash instead of a shower at least my hair was nice!

I feel alot calmer though. Like as if I'm at peace with myself. There is no pressure though, no work, the boys are being good and John seems to be understanding. I wonder if that's just the tablets starting to work or that everything is a bit better. John is low though, and that makes me feel anxious. He is worried about work. He isn't getting any orders in and his boss keeps moaning at him. He really doesn't like his job. I feel helpless. I hate seeing him so low. But, then he snaps out of it as quick as he gets into it. When I'm low I'm low for like forever!

The social worker came at 6.00. Her name is Nikki. She was really nice. She commented on how polite the boys were and that usually teenagers weren't so polite. I did say to her that that is how they are all the time, they weren't putting it on. It made me feel proud of them. I am proud of them, despite what they've been up to lately. Actually, they are showing me a lot of love lately, I'm getting loads of cuddles off of both of them which is really nice. She nearly fell of her chair with disbelief when Sam gave me a cuddle before he went out. She said her teenage boys don't come near her!

She asked us about our background, both John and I. We are so different. I mean dare I say about classes but this is the only way to describe it. John brought up middle class in a nice house, his Dad had a well paid job as a manager in a superstore (Co-op) and his mum stayed at home and never had to work and John went to a Grammar school. Whereas, me brought up in a council house, my mum and dad both had to work, in a factory, we didn't have much really and I went to a comprehensive school that really should have been closed down it was so appalling, in fact I'm sure it has given me and my brother nightmares for life! So both come from different backgrounds but that's what makes us interesting to each other! John's life though is so straight forward and mine is so complicated. He has no skeletons, I have many! I'm sure I'll tell her about those in time. I think John has led a rather sheltered life though and I'm not sure he realises how challenging some of these children will be. Still, that is what Nikki is coming to see us for to alert us of what these children could be like and the problems they will bring.

She was with us for two hours and she is coming back next Tuesday at 6! She will visit us about 6-8 times. Apparently she has been asked to get us to panel by the end of February. All the time I was thinking I hope its quick so I don't have to go back to work.

But, I must tell you all, I have tidied my bedroom up and oh does it make me feel better! My room was a shambles, everything was everywhere, but I just didn't care. I'm glad I did it! Another job done!

Monday, 6 December 2010


Awwwwww thank you so much for all your comments.

Thank you Jane for the website address. I'll check that out.

Yes, you are right those of you who say don't write to my work colleagues. I think I was thinking crazy thoughts there. I don't want them to know all the ins and outs and I won't be long there anyway.

Delores!!! Its so good to see you again! I have missed you! Thank you for your comments and I think you are very right in everything you say.

I had a bit of a slow start to the day. I didnt want to get up, I'd had a real bad night of pain. The sciatica is hitting with a vengence at the moment, so I think I'm getting used to those meds that are supposed to be calming it down. Yep, I'm on two lots of meds now! One for my sciatica, that is also used to treat anxiety, and one for me state of mind! Soon I'll be rattling! I'm not giving up on them, I'm staying with them.

Anyway, I did get up about 9.30 as I was due to go into town with my neighbour, Sally. I really didnt want to go. But John said that I should. I really, really didnt want to go! But I made myself get up, get dressed. I had a wash and I went. It was ok, I actually enjoyed myself. It was good to get out with Sally and have a chat. Of course we went to Costa! yum! So I had a Costa brekkie today!

When I got home John wasnt in so I went straight upstairs to tackle the spare room, which looks like a huge laundry room. Well I did some ironing and I tidied up and the room looks so much better for it. I felt better for it too.

My friend from work popped by and took me to the Doctors to get my sick note and then she took it away so it could be taken into work. Jane is lovely and so supportive. Do you know she is the only one from work that comes to see me and apart from Pat, who has phoned, is the only one in touch. The teacher that I work for hasnt even phoned me, not once!

I don't want to ever go back to work. But I know I will have to one day. But Ive got to stop thinking about that as it does my head in and makes me worry. Ive got to stop worrying!

We have our Assessor coming tomorrow to start our Form F for the fostering. I'm going to tell her everything that has gone on lately and how I'm feeling. We have to be honest! My Doctor said that I am more than fit and ready to do this. She said that she can see that Im intelligent and sensible and that Im doing all the right things to help me get better.

I felt uplifted after the Assessor had rung, her name is Nikki and she is our Assessing Social Worker. She sounded so nice. This is something I want to do more than anything in the world because the best job in the world is being a mum! What more could I want. I wont be stuck in a school having to make the kids stick to the rules. Of couse I will have rules in my house but we can have fun. Fun when we want to. I can read bedtime stories again! Bathtimes again! Zoo trips again! Lego building! Oh I cant wait, and nor can John.

Smiley face!

Saturday, 4 December 2010


I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!

Friday, 3 December 2010


I spoke to my Doctor on the phone this morning and she has signed me off for another two weeks, that means I wont be back to work til after Christmas. That means I have another 4 weeks to get myself together. Hopefully my tablets will help.

I texted my boss and he said that I will have to have a meeting with him but nothing to worry about, he wished me well and said he was looking forward to seeing me again. Its good that I will have a meeting with him before I go back because then I can tell him how I feel about certain things, its no good me going back and things are still the same.

Ive got to try change a few things, I've got to get myself up in the mornings and shower and get dressed instead of sitting around in my pyjamas. Ive got to start doing a few more jobs round the house. All I do is sit on the sofa doing nothing really!

John is being understanding (thank you Stuart for your offer but I don't think I need your help just yet, I might do though) he is asking me how I am and showing his sympathy. I think it did him good to read up on depression.

Its been hard to get myself motivated with everyone about in the house, as its been snowing and we are snowed in, everyone is under my feet. Where I would of probably started doing a few jobs I find myself not wanting to with everyone here. John starts busying around and I feel guilty. I just cant get motivated! Its a strange battle that goes on in my head, one part says do jobs the other says cant be bothered.

I must wash my hair today!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Snow Day

Well its a snow day here today like everywhere else in the country. It's quite nice having everyone here but I'm not getting my quiet time and me time like I wanted.

I feel really sleepy, I think its the new tablets, I feel like going back to bed for a snooze. I might do that. The Doctor said that for the first few days I might feel a bit strange and I might have more anxiety than normal. I did have quite bad anxiety last night. It really hurt my chest.

When I eventually got to sleep last night I did sleep well. I didn't wake up. Thank goodness.

Last night I got a really long text from my step-daughter. I emailed her yesterday telling her all about me being ill and all about what my boys have been up to. I hadn't told her before as she was looking forward to a trip to New York and didn't want to spoil her excitement. Thank goodness for her though, she is really sympathetic and has said some very kind and warming words to me. She wants to try come down see me tomorrow so we can talk, but I think the snow will put a stop to that. She is being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have her. She also told me she loved me lots, that's lovely to hear.

Because I neglected myself a lot lately, especially my feet! Feet just get on my nerves. Well I haven't been moisturising my feet and I've really just let them get so dry. Well my left foot, which is my bad sciatica one which is numb in places, Ive let the skin get so dry it has cracked really bad. So bad I cant walk on it. My own fault! I need to pay my body more attention and moisturise every day!

I did send John a link about depression and he read it. I told him I was sending it to him and he said that was good as he needs to understand. When he had read it he just turned to me and held me. That's all he could do really but that's what I need.

It looks like the snow is here to stay, it has snowed all night and still snowing now.