Saturday, 4 December 2010

Saturday

I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!

9 comments:

Jan said...

I found it was about two weeks before my tablets kicked in ,what a huge step for you to be alone whilst John went to the loo ,and buy your wellies very well done ...love Jan xx

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

You will conquer this for you want to and that makes it so. It's freezing cold here today so I've stayed indoors. One day at a time is all you need to think about. Today has been pretty good for you going out and shopping too. Count your many blessings and soon things will be right!

Stuart said...

Yup your are not alone been there every step of the way.
Experience of it tells me to not go there with your colleagues.......
Keep schtum

Jane said...

Lainey someone very close to me has the same condition and the same medication. I'm sure you have GAD: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anxiety/Pages/Introduction.aspx

For me this diagnosis was a relief because I had suspected worse.

Aileen said...

I suffered severe depression for two years after my Divorce...so know that feeling.
Thanks for your recent comments,the Snow looks lovely,BUT,I can't get out :>(
Hope you have a 'good' day today.

Aileen...X

LYN said...

Hi my lovely..just checking in on you..been a bit busy with the man home..wink wink...please stay on the meds..you'll see a big diference by Christmas...i can see a glimmer of your personailty coming back already!! take care..love your brekkie choice btw!!

Sara said...

Sorry I'm late commenting honey. You are most definitely not alone, Lainey. I feel so bad for you, because I know how this feels, and it's rotten. You are doing really well, though it may not feel that way, and soon your meds will kick in and things won't seem so bad.
Love, hugs and choccie biskies :o)
xxx

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I would take the energy it would take to right a letter to co-workers and use it to do something at home. Your family needs to be your first priority, after you.

Delores Getmeslippers said...

I have just returned, sorry to find you so unwell with your depression. You will get better though. I think you took the wrong job, you have gone downhill from there. What happened with your degree? You need to do something creative. The sad thing about depression is that those around you are not really interested in it and this is obvious from your family's reaction. (Men are basically selfish creatures). They need you to look after them, sadly not the other way round. Please do not write to your colleagues about how you feel, it is enough for them to know that you are unwell. I would seriously consider getting a different job. Take care