Saturday

I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!