Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Can't sleep but so tired.

I can't sleep. I know if I don't get to sleep soon I will not want to get up in the morning. My foot is buzzing like a gud'un That's my sciatica playing up! Then my silly stupid fidgety leg syndrome - which has been with me for like forever! So no matter how tired I am I just can't get comfortable. Now I think Im losing my marbles! I had a tablet in my hand just now and I can't remember if I've taken it or lost it! I'm 43 not 93!! It's totally disappeared!

Lot's of things on my mind. I actually feel like I'm inside a tunnel and there are things going on around me but I'm not really there. Hard to explain! It's like I'm waiting for something. What am I waiting for. I'm 43 and the thing I've been waiting for hasn't happened. Will it happen? What the hell is it? Now I really think Im going mad!

The children have grown up so quick. Where the hell did that time go? I haven't had time to enjoy them - I know I still can! But, did I really appreciate them enough when they were little. Should I go back and do it all again? Did I do it right? I keep wondering if Joe feels secure. Me and him have always fallen out, we drive each other mad. Well he used to drive me mad. He doesnt so much now, but he has been the hardest of the two.

I think when my boys Dad left to go and live in California it put a lot of insecurity in their minds. Not so much Sam - he was older. But Joe, crikey Joe went through hell - he never understood why his Daddy left and why he went away for so long. Two years is a long time when you are only 5. Well by the time he came back Joe was 7 and welcomed him back. Sam was 9 and wasnt so welcoming but he felt secure in his life with me and John. Joe always wanted his Mummy and Daddy back together. He felt torn. How awful for my little boy to have gone through so much. Well how awful for both of them. Sam told me the other day that I'm the best mum in the world, now not many 15 year olds say that to their mum do they? I still can't find that tablet you know.

I'm starting to ramble now - about a load of nothingness. I'm wondering if I should write about my past in here so you all know who I am - because you don't really know me. I'm in a different life now - I call it my new life, with John. I never ever thought I would be happy, I never ever thought I would love someone so much it hurts. That's why I get worried - I think that someone will take it all away from me. I worry that my life is speeding past so fast that soon I will die and then I won't be able to enjoy it anymore. I worry about dying alot. Why?

What the hell did I do with the tablet?

Now can anyone answer this. My Sam is a bright and intelligent boy but his grades have been down the last couple of years. He is now in his GCSE years. He takes English and Maths this year. Do I make him sit down every night to do an old exam paper or do I leave him to get on with it? Is it my fault his grades have been down? Should I worry? I am worried. He is in all the top groups and is doing the Higher exams. He is busy being a prefect and wants to be Head Boy next year. He is well liked and very popular. Should I worry about his schooling? Is there anything i can do to change his lack of motivation? He is a 15 year old boy who loves being with his friends and is happy. Do I make him into a moody teenager by putting demands on him. Am I too laid back?

Im going to stop now - I must have totally bored you and lost you by now.


Missie said...

What happened to the butterfly layout? Enjoy your night.

Anonymous said...

I did the same thing with a tablet two days ago. I thought I'd taken it but found it a couple of hours later crushed on the floor! Lol! I shouldn't worry too much about Sam, I don't think it's good to place demands on kids of his age. He may resent it. I remember when I was his age ~ oh yes I do! Vaguely but I rememeber! ~ All I wanted was to be out with my friends. All I've learnt in life since I left school comes from how I've lived and what I've seen and read. I hope you finally got to sleep and found the tablet! Nice sunny day here in Brighton today! I bet you've got it too, I'm sure the sun is big enough to stretch along the coast! Jeannette xx

Joan said...

Hi am visiting you for the first time read you comment on Stuart's journal and thought I would stop by. Time does go in so quickly it too makes my head buzz too. I am retired now and have been for almost four years and if you think the time goes by fast at 43 just wait till you are 66. Would not advise anybody about their children but know you will make the right choices . Bye for now Joan.

lunarossa said...

Hi Laine, Reading your post I felt like I was reading my own "story". I keep on putting things somewhere and 10 min later I do not remember where I put them! I do not think it is a matter of age (am two years older than you but I do not feel old yet :))). I Thin we are all too busy... My son is 15 as well and as yours just started his GCSE years. I can only tell you this: do not fret about him, do not pressure him, let him live his life and if he needs help he will tell you or his teachers will let you know. Enjoy being with him. Personally I'm dreading the day when he lives home!!! Maybe I'm just the typical Italian "mamma" but I cannot help worrying as you surely do, too. Have a nice evening. Ciao. Antonella

Delores Getmeslippers said...

Hi there, you are a tired lady that is why you feel like you do. Please don't make your son do old gcse papers all the time. He won't learn form that. Go and talk to his teacher. I am sure they will help and advise.

Sara said...

We are parents hon, worry and guilt go along with the job ;o)

As long as your Sam knows that you are interested, that you care about his education and that he has your support, he will do fine I'm sure.