I can't sleep. I know if I don't get to sleep soon I will not want to get up in the morning. My foot is buzzing like a gud'un That's my sciatica playing up! Then my silly stupid fidgety leg syndrome - which has been with me for like forever! So no matter how tired I am I just can't get comfortable. Now I think Im losing my marbles! I had a tablet in my hand just now and I can't remember if I've taken it or lost it! I'm 43 not 93!! It's totally disappeared!
Lot's of things on my mind. I actually feel like I'm inside a tunnel and there are things going on around me but I'm not really there. Hard to explain! It's like I'm waiting for something. What am I waiting for. I'm 43 and the thing I've been waiting for hasn't happened. Will it happen? What the hell is it? Now I really think Im going mad!
The children have grown up so quick. Where the hell did that time go? I haven't had time to enjoy them - I know I still can! But, did I really appreciate them enough when they were little. Should I go back and do it all again? Did I do it right? I keep wondering if Joe feels secure. Me and him have always fallen out, we drive each other mad. Well he used to drive me mad. He doesnt so much now, but he has been the hardest of the two.
I think when my boys Dad left to go and live in California it put a lot of insecurity in their minds. Not so much Sam - he was older. But Joe, crikey Joe went through hell - he never understood why his Daddy left and why he went away for so long. Two years is a long time when you are only 5. Well by the time he came back Joe was 7 and welcomed him back. Sam was 9 and wasnt so welcoming but he felt secure in his life with me and John. Joe always wanted his Mummy and Daddy back together. He felt torn. How awful for my little boy to have gone through so much. Well how awful for both of them. Sam told me the other day that I'm the best mum in the world, now not many 15 year olds say that to their mum do they? I still can't find that tablet you know.
I'm starting to ramble now - about a load of nothingness. I'm wondering if I should write about my past in here so you all know who I am - because you don't really know me. I'm in a different life now - I call it my new life, with John. I never ever thought I would be happy, I never ever thought I would love someone so much it hurts. That's why I get worried - I think that someone will take it all away from me. I worry that my life is speeding past so fast that soon I will die and then I won't be able to enjoy it anymore. I worry about dying alot. Why?
What the hell did I do with the tablet?
Now can anyone answer this. My Sam is a bright and intelligent boy but his grades have been down the last couple of years. He is now in his GCSE years. He takes English and Maths this year. Do I make him sit down every night to do an old exam paper or do I leave him to get on with it? Is it my fault his grades have been down? Should I worry? I am worried. He is in all the top groups and is doing the Higher exams. He is busy being a prefect and wants to be Head Boy next year. He is well liked and very popular. Should I worry about his schooling? Is there anything i can do to change his lack of motivation? He is a 15 year old boy who loves being with his friends and is happy. Do I make him into a moody teenager by putting demands on him. Am I too laid back?
Im going to stop now - I must have totally bored you and lost you by now.