Hmmmph!

Now they've postponed my operation!! I've been waiting since September!! I'm not happy! They are going to look into it! I told them I have a disabled child and I have to make provision for him. They said to ring back on Thursday as she will have a word with my consultant! I'm really fed up!

Thank you

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments.

He's calmer today. He won't go to the doctors. He says, I've been here before, I know what to do. He did cut down his work load. I was a bit naughty, I phoned his work partner and he's been brilliant to John. We went out to our local for lunch. We were out for two hours. I couldn't stop crying yesterday, it frightened me so so much. I wish he would go to the doctors but he won't!

Scared

I'm scared.

I held John this morning while he shook and cried. He thought about all the work he has to do today and he can't cope. He's got to that edge and he's started to fall. He won't let me help him. He won't talk about it. If I try to talk to him it makes him worse. Im not good myself so it's not good. He said he's going to calm down with work today.

I want to scream at him to stop, I'm not I'm leaving him alone as he asks. It's hard, really hard.

:(

Sunday

I was looking back over my journals tonight, wow! It's good to read back sometimes. It shows you how much things change, so quickly. I was reading bits out to John.

John is very very low at the moment. He is actually on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. His work is far too much for him at the moment. It just never lets up. No matter how much he tells them he can't do it all, they just say, 'oh ok' then give him more. I told John's mum and dad today how ill John is. I knew John didn't want me too but his dad was glad I told him John's dad told John to give up tomorrow. He said if its money he's worried about that he would pay our mortgage until we were straight. It made John cry, he had to walk out the room. He cried because deep down he know he has to do something about it, he cried because his dad was so nice to him. John's Dad is just so so lovely, supportive and kind. He gave me a smile, as if to say, don't worry Laine, things will be ok. John was glad that I'd told his Dad.

I've got lots of meetings this week, mostly all to do with Patrick. But, tomorrow morning it's for me. I'm going to a volunteers group at a learning organisation I used to belong to. I'm quite nervous as I've not been part of it for about two years. I'm going to volunteer to help at an art class on a Thursday morning. It's something I can do thats for me and will get me out of the house.

Right, I'll write more in the week.

Ciao xxx

Tuesday

Sara Sara, thanks for thinking of me.

I do feel better. II was a bit down. I'm on an up day today. I have FISS coming tomorrow. So the ball will start rolling for professional outside help with Patrick. FISS stands for Family Intensive Support Service. The two ladies that are coming sound really nice. My social worker and Patrick's Social Worker couldn't make it so I'm on my own. I just hope at say all the right things so that we do get help from this service.

I've started to fill out my first ever tax return. Very scary! There is just one bit I need to ring them about and then I'm done. For the next tax year I'm going to get an accountant as it will get more complicated. This one was quite easy as I could just use my P60.

I'm feeling very fat at the moment. I've slowly put on about 3 stone since I've been on various medications. I need to sort out a diet. I just sat and ate loads of choccie digestives. I'm eating all the wrong foods! It's just getting motivated to do it! I've never ever, not even when I was pregnant, been this heavy before! never!!!! I'm middle aged and fat! :(

What was I going to tell you? I can't remember, was it that Sam's in a panto that starts this Thursday, was it that Joe wants me to dye his hair black and we bought the hair dye in Tesco tonight. Oooooh I remember, it was that I phoned the hospital about my operation date and it might be moved from 14th Feb as the management are changing the way they prioritise appointments for operations. If you can manage day to day and not considered urgent then you may have to wait longer. I really hope they don't change my appointment, I'm geared up psychologically! I just want it done. I'm to keep phoning to check! The consultant's secretary said it makes her mad that management sit up in their office and decide these things then leaves it for her to deal with having to tell all the patients. She said that all her patients waiting for ops at end of January are still going ahead as scheduled but she can't be sure that my date will go unchanged.

Meh!!!!

Sunday

Today didn't start off good. I had the most painful stomach cramps. I get them now and then. I can't do anything but just lay in pain. John got quite worried.

I can't cope today. I can't cope with Patrick. He won't do as he is told. He's annoying and I haven't got the energy. He's such hard work when you feel low. It's on these days that I question myself as to how long I can go on looking after him. We have a meeting with our agency tomorrow to talk about our future with Patrick, respite, what will happen when I have my operation.

I just feel low today! :(

Phew!!!

Joe's ex not pregnant! Phew!

Going to see Joe in his gig tonight. He's very excited! A big pub in Hastings! Lol I know Hastings! But he has to start somewhere.

Thank you for all your comments.

Will write more laters xxxxxciao!!!

Thursday late

It very late ten past midnight Thursday night or should I say Friday morning.

I'm not sleeping very well. My sciatica is bad enough, but my restless leg are getting much worse. I wonder if it's all the medications? With the amount I take at night I should be zonked and I'm not. Quite a worry really. If it carries on I'll go to the doctors again.

I've been downloading Ebooks. Just downloaded one that's called Before I Go to Sleep. It's started off quite well. I haven't actually got into a book for ages. I'm hoping I can stick with this one. I'm still not sure about these eBooks though. I really do love holding the real thing. It's not the same turning the pages on an iPad.

I could scream I'm so tired! Physically my legs won't stop moving but my mind is so so tired!

Have a good weekend all.

Tuesday

I've had a very strange day today.

I stayed in bed nearly all day. I was up most of the night, even though I'd taken amitriptalyne, they are sposed to zonk you out. Anyway, I was zonked out in the morning so once all the kids had gone I got back into bed and just slept. I slept really well, in fact I enjoyed dozing on and off. I got up about 1.30, showered and went to pick up Patrick.

John has had a very stressful day, he's struggling with work. It's hard for him doing such long hours and as he is general manager he has so many demands on him. There are also two nasty women in the office who try to make John's life hell. John is trying is best to keep afloat jobs of like £40,000 and they are bothering with tiny invoices that haven't been filed properly, etc. His boss called him today and said that the girls in the office say blah, blah and John just hit the roof, he's had enough! He was shaking when he rang me. He really is on the edge and I'm so worried about him.

When John got home we went out for a bite to eat and a chat. Sam looked after Patrick. It did John good to chat and he was able to clear his mind a bit. But, he is thinking of handing his notice in and joining me in the fostering world. He had told his boss he had had enough and his boss was scared and said, you can't leave! Trouble is they have no one else to do John's job! Well we will see what happens.

Our Patrick is a little darling, even though he has special needs he still notices a lot. Don't underestimate a child with special needs, it doesn't mean they are stupid! He overheard John and I talking. He went up to John, gave him a hug and said, 'be happy!' I burst into tears, how the little boy touches my soul. He then ran upstairs and brought me some tissues and said 'there are Laine, I'll look after you'. Bless him! Such a darling.

I'm having my hair done tomorrow! Yay! A bit of me time! I love going to the hairdressers. At least I have something to do tomorrow, it will get me out of bed. I find it hard when I've nothing to do. I can never get motivated.

Thank you Joany Joan for our chat this evening. Xxxx

Monday

Quite a productive day today. I've got a lot of things done.

I told John about the possibility of Joe's ex being pregnant. He didn't really say alot as he was getting ready for work. I told Sam, with Joe's permission, and Sam was much the same as me, we cant really think about it until we know if she is or not.

I spoke to the Chrysalis lady, she has made sure that we meet on Thursday at the school so that we can discuss the next steps with Patrick. It feels like I'm getting support now. My FISS (Family Intensive Support Service) forms went in today, so I will be getting their help soon too. It makes it so much better when you know your going to get help.

Oh nooooooo I just deleted' twice!!!! Grrrrrrr I give up now! :(

Oh!

Ok, so my sixteen year old comes over and sits on the sofa. Mum, I have something to tell you, my ex-girlfriend may be pregnant! Well I didn't expect that.

I stayed calm, and said, don't worry joe, she probably is just saying that to get you back. He says, well she feels sick and her tummy feels hard. I say, don't worry Joe, she's probably just got a bug.

My poor Joe is beside himself. He's so so scared. He said he used protection and they only did it once. I tried to reassure him then that she's more than likely not pregnant. She may be making it up.

I'm hoping and praying, for Joe's sake that she's not. If she is, I'm gonna support them all I can. What else is there to do.

Kids!

Sunday

Hello all,

I went to the Doctors yesterday as I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. It's all down to my sciatica mixed with restless legs and anxiety. My anxiety has calmed down a lot since we had our respite, we really needed that. Patrick's s lovely boy but he's full on and hardwork. We are hopefully going to have respite once a month. I was very very low before Christmas, I was almost tempted to go and ask for my meds to be upped. Anyway, yesterday the Doctor gave me Amitryptraline, to help me sleep. I'm also on pregablin and citalopram. I'll be rattling soon! I really did sleep well last night. Thank goodness.

I can't wait for my operation to be here and over with. I want to get better and have a better life style. I'm really lazy and fat at the moment. I know it's down to lack of sleep. If I could get fitter and eat less I'd be much better but I haven't the motivation at the mo! I'm at my highest weight I've ever been in my life! Yikes! I'm two and a half stone over weight!!! That's just not me! I've always been a skinny mortal. I just love my food too much!

I've been thinking of new year resolutions, one of them should be to lose weight, I want to read more, do my blogging, meet a very special friend for the first time, walk more, eat less chocolate, keep organised and be happy. Oh and I want to try come off my anti-depressants too. Oh and do more crafts, make my owl cushions again.

Thanks for listening!
Xxxxxxx

Saturday

Awwwwww, thank you for your welcome back messages and your support. All of you.

Heather, thank you for that information, that might be what he's doing. I'm now in touch with an organisation that specialise in sexual behaviour and children with severe learning difficulties.

Lynda, I might start making them owls again. I haven't done any for ages. There are only four people in the world that own one of my owls and your one of them! They are sold in a lot of shops here. By the time I get round to making them again they'll be out of fashion! Lol

Sara Sara, I bought you a pressie today. I saw it and just had to get it for you. It's only little but it was made for you! Can you email me your address again. I did have it written down somewhere but John's been tidying up and shifting my stuff everywhere lol!

I'm on an iPad now and finding it hard to use it for blogger. I did download an App, it lets you compose your blog but doesn't let you look at comments on it. Bit strange. I don't really want to change my blog provider! Any recommendations?

Mr P has been a little star. He had 6 teeth out yesterday and he is doing so well. He's been on soft foods today. So he doesn't unblock the clots that have formed on the holes in his mouth. He woke up with his pillow covered in blood this morning but he didn't complain one bit. At the moment he is sitting at the dining room take doing some colouring. He would never have done this on his own when we first got him. It's so nice to see him do things in his own.

Right this blogger thing is not working properly so I'll log off now and I'll write again tomorrow. Thank you Sara Sara for bringing bloggy people back to me! You've inspired me to write again. I'm giggling because it originally said boggy people! That's my iPad for you! Keeps correcting me!

Love Lainey xxxxx

Fostering and Mr P

Well, Sara Sara! See you've inspired me to write again!

For those who don't know, I'm a foster carer now. I didn't know whether to start a new blog or keep this one. Might as well keep this one as its already set up. It's still my world after all.

I'm in iPhone blogger App. So I'm feeling my way round. Not sure how I make this private. Think I need to do that as I want to share my experiences with fostering to only the few that I trust, not the whole world.

So, we've been fostering out Mr P for 7 months now, 7 months on the 9th actually! He's a lovely, lovely boy. He's hard work though. We are more than just fostering him, we are his carers too. He has severe learning difficulties, he'll never be able to look after himself, he has global development delay, ADHD and mild autism. He does have problems with his sexualised behaviour, he is all mixed up and often makes a mess at night in the bathroom or his room with soiling, all connected with his sexual behaviour. We've had highs and lows. Just before Christmas I was considering giving my notice as its do hard to cope with the sleepless nights and the mess he creates. It kind of escalated just before Christmas and over Christmas. I'm thinking that he couldn't cope with Christmas as he'd never had a Christmas at home and didn't really understand what was going on. Bless him.

Over the new year, for four nights, we got much needed respite and Mr P went to a couple who'd been fostering for 11 years. They said that although he is a lovely boy they wouldn't have him again because they couldn't cope! John and I were so pleased to have him back. We had reenergised and felt refreshed, we missed him so much. It's very very hard. We have to decide if we can care for him until he's 18. Mr P went for surgery today, he had to have 6 teeth extracted under a general. Poor little mite. He was so brave. I felt like I was his real mummy! I cried when he went into theatre. If he hadn't been neglected so badly then he wouldn't have had to suffer like that. His mum and dad love him dearly, they just don't know whats right.

My boys are amazing. They love Patrick and they are very supportive. Couldn't do it without them.

I call him Mr P to save his identity. It's very difficult writing about LAC as they are very vulnerable. I have to be careful.

I hope I have some readers left!

Lainey xxxxx