Jane says:
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?

My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.

Stuart says:

It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email

My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.

Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x

Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.

Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx

Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.

Ma Says:

It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!

My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.

Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.