Ive decided to write my blog again, I went to the Doctors last week. Ive not had a very good time of it lately. I had high blood pressure and the doctor could see I was very anxious. Ive had alot of anxiety lately, every day! My Doctor asked me to keep a feelings diary. Here is a excerpt from it to give you an idea how I am at the moment.
Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.
• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.
Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.
Am I depressed? I dont know.
John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!