I'm in bed alone with just my thoughts and a thumping, thumping headache that Ive had all day.
I actually feel proud of myself that I have got through the day. Ive kept it together. I've looked after my boy, Ive cuddle him and told him I love him. Ive also told him off big time and told him how serious this whole thing is. He is being disciplined let me tell you. Ive told my Mum, Ive told my best friend. Thats it. No more! We move on.
I am slowly getting better but I'm not completely better. I am trying hard to do jobs. I start them but never finish them, thats just how I am at the moment. Im trying hard not to spend too much time wallowing in my own self-pity and I'm also going to try get myself to get up earlier and shower and get on with the day. Today I didnt get dressed til 1pm. Most days Im not dressed til about then. Its not good enough. Ive got to be more positive. I know this but its hard to do it!
I'm hoping this feeling will go away and that I dont need to have the tablets to make it go away. The doctor did offer them to me and I am very tempted at the moment. Anything to take this feeling away. But, Im going to try help myself get out of it.
I long to read a book again, I just can't concentrate for long enough. One step at a time though. I want to feel ok to laugh and smile and be happy, I just can't do that at the moment.
Tomorrow I have to get up because my friend wants me to help look after her baby whilst she has her hair done. Initially she said to me, come round and see me it will do you good. Then I realise that actually she wants me there to look after Bella. I do love Bella. She will make me smile, she will be one year old on Dec 18th. I think I should go. I'll see!
These last two days have been the hardest for a long time. But we are getting through. We havent heard from Paige's parents. We havent had anyone knocking on our door. Joe is safe because he is with me and Im not letting him out of my sight or John's sight til we feel its o.k.
I had to go pick up my neighbour's daughter from school today, Sally texted me this morning to say am I still able to. I nearly said no, for gods sake I'm ill. But then I decided I was being very silly and that having that to aim for was a good thing. Oh how little Livvy brightened up my day, she is ten years old. I picked her up and she chatted all the way home about her day, we had milkshakes together and chocolate and watched t.v. until her mum arrived to pick her up. Children really are a good medicine for bringing happiness into your life. I wish I was ten again!
We are nearly at the stage of the fostering process where we will be appointed an assessor and she will come round and chat to us and delve into our lives. I asked the doctor if I should carry on and she said of course, she said that I will make a brilliant foster parent. She said that I am strong and intelligent and that the very fact that I went to see her and am dealing with my problems shows that I can cope. I think a change of life is just what John and I need. We miss the children being little, we miss going out to zoos and parks and throwing bread to the ducks, that sort of thing. We need that back. Everything that has happened just lately is making us even stronger as a family, we have all talked alot and learnt alot of lessons. In a few months time when another little person enters our household we will all be ready and much wiser.