can't snap out of it

I feel very low this morning, very low.

The morning started with John and I discussing the letters that Paige has sent to Joe. John had read them before I got up. We talked about the fact that we think Paige's parents should see the letters. John repeated how scared he is of this bloke coming round and breaking our legs. We have decided to tell Joe we have got letters but he is not to see them and explain to Joe what will happen if he makes contact with Joe. We then thought what about if Paige then gets upset with Joe and makes up stories to his Dad about Joe to get her own back. We don't know! So if we can find out their postal address from Joe we will post the letters to her Mum.

Then what I thought would be a nice relaxed morning turned into a nightmare for me. When John opened the fridge to get the milk out there was milk everywhere as the bottle had leaked. I got really cross and snappy with John about it and I actually treated him like he was a kid. When he tried to tidy up I snatched stuff away from him and said he wasn't doing it properly.

We then sat down for coffee and caught up with Emmerdale. John started talking about what tiles we should have for the bathroom and I paused the Emmerdale and said quite bluntly are we watching Emmerdale or discussing bathroom. I can't do both! So he shut up and we continued watching.

We usually go to Costa on a Saturday morning but John wants to suddenly start doing all the jobs that need doing in the house. Something I cant be doing with! He has said for years he will do stuff and has never got round to it. Now, suddenly he wants to do it this weekend.

I went up to get ready with the idea in my head that I would help John and go with him to B&Q and everything would be good. I was just finishing getting ready and he shouts up the stairs 'right Laine Chris and I are going up the tip now and then going to B&Q'. I immediately feel sorry for myself and want to cry. John comes up the stairs and says, 'what is wrong with you, you've been fine these last couple of days' I said ' I don't know whats wrong with me, I just feel really down'. So he said 'why don't you come with me and Chris' so I say 'I don't know if I want to come or not'. So he then said to me ' You've got to snap out of this now.' So I said 'I cant just snap out of it, you don't understand'. He said 'Well I don't know what to do anymore' and he left the house in a mood.

I cried and cried and cried. I don't want to be like this, I don't know why my moods suddenly change, I don't know why I make things hard for myself. If I knew I would do something about it. I feel sick. I feel unwanted, I feel that everything John is doing today is more important than me, I just want him to hold me and tell me things will be ok. Why the hell am I being so bloody stupid. Im ruining everything. Im making John feel low. Its all my fault! Im scared to show my feelings. I cry on my own. Because I dont want to worry anyone. No-one helps me.

Im going to phone the doctor first thing Monday morning. I need to see her again. Ill go on the anti-depressants and I wont tell anyone. Ill deal with this on my own. I have to. John has lost his patience with me now. I dont blame him. I'm just a miserable silly cow that wants her own way all the time.