Joe's birthday.

Well my Joe is 15 today, makes me feel old. It felt funny as we had already bought him his present, a guitar, a little while back and any money he received he actually owed to us. But thats what he wanted so he was happy.

Quite an eventful day yesterday. I had lots of jobs to do, post office, Tesco and tidying up. It all felt a bit daunting. And, I had the Doctors first thing. Joe had the day off school, inset day. So he came with me. I did the post office first and that was easy. Tesco on the other hand was a nightmare, when we got there I'd forgotten my prescription so we had to go back home and get that. Getting the shopping in the trolley was ok, Joe and I went round slowly. Joe got irritated by me when I couldnt find stuff and it was right in front of me. I do still get a little panicky in there. I hate it! At the tills it was a nightmare. When it was our turn the girl said 'sorry no carrier bags' typical that I'd forgotten my own bags. I just stood there and stared at her. I had loads of shopping, how was we going to manage. She said, 'you can have a bag for life for 10p', I just continued to stare at her. She then said you can have two for 10p. So then I said 'well that will have to be then. I bought two and when the two were full I started to panic coz all that was left then were tiny little Tesco bags, why the hell did Tesco run out of bags? Probably not a problem to most people but I was really getting stressed by now, I was getting hot and the girl just kept pushing stuff through, I then said quite abruptly, 'if you go slower I can cope!' - 'I cant cope if you keep chucking it at me, and I have no more bags'. She wasnt very happy and not at all patient. Anyway I bought more bag for life bags. But I wasnt happy and it was so so stressful. Im not doing that again for a while.

Least we are no ok incase it snows bad.

Then I got home and I'd forgotten my tablets! So I had to go back to Tesco again to pick them up. I keep forgetting stuff, all the time!

John came home about seven, he was very very tired. I told him all about my Doctor visit and he didnt really react much. I then said to him quite abruptly, 'look I'm depressed' thats why Ive got the tablets. The kids were there at this moment. I said to them all, please have patience with me, Im not well and the Doctor is helping me. They all just look at me. They dont really know what to say. I got big anxiety attack then as John was really moody and I didnt feel he cared what I was saying. He said 'whats up now, you were ok just now'. I tried to explain it to him and he said that he was sorry, he had had a very bad day and was very very tired.

Then, we had a text from Joe's Dad to say that when Joe was very low at the weekend he had said to his Dad that he never does anything on his birthday. I showed John the text and it was like lighting a fuse to a bomb, John went mad! It's hurtful. I was very cross too. Every year we ask Joe what he would like to do for his birthday and he says can he have friends round and we do. We do a big tea and a cake and his friends all come round. He had said that every year Sam goes out for a meal, yes thats because thats what Sam likes to do, he doesnt have friends round, also Joe hates restaurants and never wants to eat out! Unbelievable arent they kids!!

Still we woke up this morning and celebrated Joe's birthday all sitting on my bed opening his cards. He seemed very happy this morning. It will be interesting what happens today as its his first day back and he will probably see Paige. Cant stop him seeing her at school.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a film on my iphone, shrek, I listened to an audio book, I read another book, I massaged my legs, I took painkillers, I just could not sleep. I eventually dropped off about 4.30. I think I may go back to sleep this morning for a nap.