Monday

OOOH its a whole week since I wrote, I'm so sorry! I didnt even realise its been that long.

I'm doing ok! I went to the Doctors on Friday and she said she was really pleased with my progress, she said she had been very worried about me and she was going to try me with counselling but she is going to leave that for now as she is so pleased with my fast progress. She suggested a phased return back to work. So I wont be going back full-time straight away, in fact I probably wont do full-time ever again.

The school sent me a wonderful DVD of their nativity, it was so so sweet and I realised how much I miss them kids. My class also sent me a huge get well soon card, they had all signed with little faces on of themselves. I've got a few pressies from them too.

The snow is really getting to me now, our main roads are ok, but our little road is iced over really bad and none of the cars can get out, except the 4x4s grrr! I'm so worried as I havent finished christmas shopping yet, I need more food! We are supposed to be getting more snow today too. I think I will have a walk up to Tesco later and get as much as I can carry. My neighbour said that if we cant get our Christmas food and our kids cant get here (John's kids) then we will go to her for christmas dinner! How lovely!

Monday

I've been off work nearly a month now. I got a letter today from East Sussex County Council, who are my employer, they said that I will get full pay up until 12th January and then after that it will go to half pay. So that's good news! I won't be going back full time, I will prob ask if I can just do mornings or just three days. Anyway, that's next year!

My mood has been lifted somewhat. I'm still not right yet though. Just little things tell me that. My anxiety is no where near as bad as it was, it doesnt hurt so much now, it's still horrible when I get it but not as fierce.

The pain in my foot though, that is driving me mad. It's not so constant as it was the last few days. I mean from Wednesday to Sunday it was constant, there was no reprieve, then yesterday afternoon the pain just stopped! Just like that! But it came back again in the night. I hardly had any sleep. Then it was gone by the morning and it has been gone most of the day, so I can only guess then that its getting better.

I took the boys to school this morning and then when I got home I went back to bed and slept there til 1pm! I was just so so tired. But, here I am sat in bed and the pain is back again with a vengance.

I phoned the hospital to see when Im going to have the spinal probe and Ive got to wait til Feb 22nd, typical that its the boys appointment in London that day too. So I'll have to change their appointment which is a nuisance but I can't stand this pain. Not sure I can wait that long anyway. Because its a nerve pain its hard to rest it, or massage it, or even put warmth on it. It won't respond to anything, not even painkillers.

John is away tonight. He had to go to Manchester.

Cant write anymore because of the pain, will write again tomorrow. xx

Sunday

OOOOPS sorry to Stuart about the feet, no more feet pictures I promise!

Sara Sara your room is ready and waiting and I have a special story book just for you!

I've been doing really well, I've had a better mood and been feeling a lot happier but then I've been in pain for about 4 days with my sciatica and it's taken its toll on me today. Not being able to sleep and being in pain is horrible. Because its a nerve pain I can't soothe it with warmth or anything it just stays there no matter what I do. I am so so tired, a horrible tiredness that makes me feel sick and dizzy. I tried to sleep it off most of the day and then about 2.30 we went in to town. It seems miraculously that the pain has disappeared since we've been to town. It does this, I have periods of where it will hurt like mad for days then suddenly calm down. I just hope it stays away long enough for me to sleep tonight.

Joe is at a concert tonight with my friend, he is seeing Bullet For My Valentine (please don't ask, not my kind of music). Anyway, he was so so excited but its at Wembley Arena so he will be very late back, probably about 1.00am. So I will have to wait up for him. So good of my friend to take him but she doesnt mind the music, if you can call it music that is.

We have the social worker coming on Tuesday to interrogate us further. John is worried about me being off work. I told him not to worry as Im getting better every day. He's not sure if we should tell her or not. He really is worrying quite a lot but he is so so tired and so busy. Tomorrow he has to go to Leatherhead, then to Southend and then to Manchester all in one day. He will stay over night in Manchester. I think that is too much for him in one day. He's been doing work all day today too to catch up as he needs stuff done by 9am tomorrow morning. It's so hard seeing him so stressed and tired.

Quite a lot happening next week, we get our new oven on Wednesday, ordered it yesterday, our oven really is on its way out and we thought that it would be nice to have a new one for Christmas. I'm excited about that arriving. I've got tons of Christmas shopping to do and parcels to post off. Cards to write and send. Having my hair done on Thursday, Oscar has to go to the vets for his check-up and my friend's baby is one year old on Saturday but I'm going to her little party on Friday. That will be nice. She same birthday as you Sara Sara! ;0) It all feels like a lot of stuff and I wonder how I'll get it all done. We also have to get a lot of paperwork together for the social worker.

OOOOh and guess what I read a book from start to finish, started it yesterday and finished it today. I'm so pleased with myself as I've not read a book for ages and ages! :0)

Wednesday

Not feeling so good tonight, didnt feel bad all day but this evening I got low again. The trouble is when you feel on a high its a hard fall back down again when you feel low.

I had quite a good day, met up with my friend Tania and her baby Belle (who is a year old next week!) and we went to visit her mum who fed us and gave us tea.

We had a late dinner as the physio came to see Oscar and she took longer than I thought. He is doing really well bless him.

John didn't get home til really, really late and he was very very tired. He has to drive 2 and a half hours to work, do a 9-5 day then drive the same back again. Its not good as he has to do it again tomorrow and then tomorrow evening has to have a christmas social with his work colleagues which he is not looking forward to. Of course he can't drink as he is driving.

We sort of had a bit of a bicker at each other, he was tired and I was fed up with being in pain. Also I find it hard to sympathise when Im low myself. Not a good combination. I can feel myself getting better though, I did have a much better day today just feeling low tonight and I think that's because I'm worried about John.

I'm thinking of emailing work tomorrow to ask if it's possible to just work mornings, I am only contracted for just mornings but I do extra hours in the afternoons. I think I won't be able to cope with all day straight away, even though I only do all day three days a week.

To answer your question Sara Sara, I think we would prefer little ones from baby to about age ten/twelve I think. Not sure we could have another teenager in the house with two here already. I really would like a younger child around the house again. I don't think we will actually get a placement til about April time, that gives me time to get better and also the weather will be much nicer and trips out will be easier!

Tuesday

Today I didn't get up early and I didn't have a shower and I was slow, but I had alot of pain last night. My pain has come back! With a vengeance. Just when I think I'm getting better!

I managed to get up about 10.30. John is so good, he doesn't mind and he takes the boys to school/college. Tomorrow though he is not here so Ive got to do it. So it means getting up at 6.50 and doing the school run.

Sam didn't have to be at college til 1.00pm today so John suggested we took him and went into town for a coffee. I had to be ready by 12.30. I just about made it! I nearly didn't wash my hair but I made myself, oh I felt so much better for doing that. Even though I just had a wash instead of a shower at least my hair was nice!

I feel alot calmer though. Like as if I'm at peace with myself. There is no pressure though, no work, the boys are being good and John seems to be understanding. I wonder if that's just the tablets starting to work or that everything is a bit better. John is low though, and that makes me feel anxious. He is worried about work. He isn't getting any orders in and his boss keeps moaning at him. He really doesn't like his job. I feel helpless. I hate seeing him so low. But, then he snaps out of it as quick as he gets into it. When I'm low I'm low for like forever!

The social worker came at 6.00. Her name is Nikki. She was really nice. She commented on how polite the boys were and that usually teenagers weren't so polite. I did say to her that that is how they are all the time, they weren't putting it on. It made me feel proud of them. I am proud of them, despite what they've been up to lately. Actually, they are showing me a lot of love lately, I'm getting loads of cuddles off of both of them which is really nice. She nearly fell of her chair with disbelief when Sam gave me a cuddle before he went out. She said her teenage boys don't come near her!

She asked us about our background, both John and I. We are so different. I mean dare I say about classes but this is the only way to describe it. John brought up middle class in a nice house, his Dad had a well paid job as a manager in a superstore (Co-op) and his mum stayed at home and never had to work and John went to a Grammar school. Whereas, me brought up in a council house, my mum and dad both had to work, in a factory, we didn't have much really and I went to a comprehensive school that really should have been closed down it was so appalling, in fact I'm sure it has given me and my brother nightmares for life! So both come from different backgrounds but that's what makes us interesting to each other! John's life though is so straight forward and mine is so complicated. He has no skeletons, I have many! I'm sure I'll tell her about those in time. I think John has led a rather sheltered life though and I'm not sure he realises how challenging some of these children will be. Still, that is what Nikki is coming to see us for to alert us of what these children could be like and the problems they will bring.

She was with us for two hours and she is coming back next Tuesday at 6! She will visit us about 6-8 times. Apparently she has been asked to get us to panel by the end of February. All the time I was thinking I hope its quick so I don't have to go back to work.

But, I must tell you all, I have tidied my bedroom up and oh does it make me feel better! My room was a shambles, everything was everywhere, but I just didn't care. I'm glad I did it! Another job done!

Monday

Awwwwww thank you so much for all your comments.

Thank you Jane for the website address. I'll check that out.

Yes, you are right those of you who say don't write to my work colleagues. I think I was thinking crazy thoughts there. I don't want them to know all the ins and outs and I won't be long there anyway.

Delores!!! Its so good to see you again! I have missed you! Thank you for your comments and I think you are very right in everything you say.

I had a bit of a slow start to the day. I didnt want to get up, I'd had a real bad night of pain. The sciatica is hitting with a vengence at the moment, so I think I'm getting used to those meds that are supposed to be calming it down. Yep, I'm on two lots of meds now! One for my sciatica, that is also used to treat anxiety, and one for me state of mind! Soon I'll be rattling! I'm not giving up on them, I'm staying with them.

Anyway, I did get up about 9.30 as I was due to go into town with my neighbour, Sally. I really didnt want to go. But John said that I should. I really, really didnt want to go! But I made myself get up, get dressed. I had a wash and I went. It was ok, I actually enjoyed myself. It was good to get out with Sally and have a chat. Of course we went to Costa! yum! So I had a Costa brekkie today!

When I got home John wasnt in so I went straight upstairs to tackle the spare room, which looks like a huge laundry room. Well I did some ironing and I tidied up and the room looks so much better for it. I felt better for it too.

My friend from work popped by and took me to the Doctors to get my sick note and then she took it away so it could be taken into work. Jane is lovely and so supportive. Do you know she is the only one from work that comes to see me and apart from Pat, who has phoned, is the only one in touch. The teacher that I work for hasnt even phoned me, not once!

I don't want to ever go back to work. But I know I will have to one day. But Ive got to stop thinking about that as it does my head in and makes me worry. Ive got to stop worrying!

We have our Assessor coming tomorrow to start our Form F for the fostering. I'm going to tell her everything that has gone on lately and how I'm feeling. We have to be honest! My Doctor said that I am more than fit and ready to do this. She said that she can see that Im intelligent and sensible and that Im doing all the right things to help me get better.

I felt uplifted after the Assessor had rung, her name is Nikki and she is our Assessing Social Worker. She sounded so nice. This is something I want to do more than anything in the world because the best job in the world is being a mum! What more could I want. I wont be stuck in a school having to make the kids stick to the rules. Of couse I will have rules in my house but we can have fun. Fun when we want to. I can read bedtime stories again! Bathtimes again! Zoo trips again! Lego building! Oh I cant wait, and nor can John.

Smiley face!

Saturday

I've got into the habit of getting up and having a cup of tea, still in dressing gown, and dunking loads of digestive biscuits into my tea and thats my breakfast. I havent the appetite for normal breakfast yet, actually my appetite has gone completely, apart from choccie digestives that is.

I watch everyone in my household get up, get dressed and get on with their day and its hard for me to do that. I make excuses like, oh I'll wait til the boys are finished getting ready then I'll get ready, oh I'll just update my iphone, thinks like that.

John wants to be really busy at the moment, he is tidying, and sorting and tidying and sorting. He brings things to me and says 'do you want this?' - I cant make decisions like that! I want to, I want to be tidying and sorting. You should see my ironing pile, it is huge! I look at it and just turn away again. Gets really frustrating when the boys cant find a top though.

There's so much on my mind and I wish it would all go away. Too many things! There shouldnt be, I should be relaxing. My anxiety has got worse since starting on the Citalopram, its horrible, it feels like someone is pressing hard on my chest and it hurts sometimes. I have to keep making big sighs, I think this worries John.

We went to Costa this morning, I found it hard to relax. I keep thinking of other things. I try to read and my mind wont let me. I so so want to read again. I look at all my books and it frustrates me as I want to be reading them all.

We went into Debenhams after Costa as it was pouring with rain and John didnt have his coat. When we got in there he left me so he could go to the toilet, I wanted to scream after him, don't leave me I dont like it. But, I took a deep breath and I had a look round the shop for some wellies. I even tried them on. I wasnt going to, I sort of stood there looking at them for what felt like ages, I was scared to try them on as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. But I did it! And I bought them! And I love them! Was I relieved when I saw John.

I've been thinking I might write a letter to my work colleagues to try and explain how Im feeling, it might be better for me when I return. At the moment Im due to return after Christmas, Im hoping my medication is working by then. This is horrible this illness because you feel so alone, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, they say they understand but they dont, not unless they have been here.

This is why I feel so lucky to have this blog and there are those of you who do understand what Im going through and I feel so lucky to have you for support. When I think back now, I realise that this was coming on for a long time. It takes being near breaking point to actually do something about it. Its a very hard thing to admit to. My heart goes out to my dear friends who have suffered with this for years. Together we can conquer this evil demon inside!

Friday

I spoke to my Doctor on the phone this morning and she has signed me off for another two weeks, that means I wont be back to work til after Christmas. That means I have another 4 weeks to get myself together. Hopefully my tablets will help.

I texted my boss and he said that I will have to have a meeting with him but nothing to worry about, he wished me well and said he was looking forward to seeing me again. Its good that I will have a meeting with him before I go back because then I can tell him how I feel about certain things, its no good me going back and things are still the same.

Ive got to try change a few things, I've got to get myself up in the mornings and shower and get dressed instead of sitting around in my pyjamas. Ive got to start doing a few more jobs round the house. All I do is sit on the sofa doing nothing really!

John is being understanding (thank you Stuart for your offer but I don't think I need your help just yet, I might do though) he is asking me how I am and showing his sympathy. I think it did him good to read up on depression.

Its been hard to get myself motivated with everyone about in the house, as its been snowing and we are snowed in, everyone is under my feet. Where I would of probably started doing a few jobs I find myself not wanting to with everyone here. John starts busying around and I feel guilty. I just cant get motivated! Its a strange battle that goes on in my head, one part says do jobs the other says cant be bothered.

I must wash my hair today!

Snow Day

Well its a snow day here today like everywhere else in the country. It's quite nice having everyone here but I'm not getting my quiet time and me time like I wanted.

I feel really sleepy, I think its the new tablets, I feel like going back to bed for a snooze. I might do that. The Doctor said that for the first few days I might feel a bit strange and I might have more anxiety than normal. I did have quite bad anxiety last night. It really hurt my chest.

When I eventually got to sleep last night I did sleep well. I didn't wake up. Thank goodness.

Last night I got a really long text from my step-daughter. I emailed her yesterday telling her all about me being ill and all about what my boys have been up to. I hadn't told her before as she was looking forward to a trip to New York and didn't want to spoil her excitement. Thank goodness for her though, she is really sympathetic and has said some very kind and warming words to me. She wants to try come down see me tomorrow so we can talk, but I think the snow will put a stop to that. She is being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have her. She also told me she loved me lots, that's lovely to hear.

Because I neglected myself a lot lately, especially my feet! Feet just get on my nerves. Well I haven't been moisturising my feet and I've really just let them get so dry. Well my left foot, which is my bad sciatica one which is numb in places, Ive let the skin get so dry it has cracked really bad. So bad I cant walk on it. My own fault! I need to pay my body more attention and moisturise every day!

I did send John a link about depression and he read it. I told him I was sending it to him and he said that was good as he needs to understand. When he had read it he just turned to me and held me. That's all he could do really but that's what I need.

It looks like the snow is here to stay, it has snowed all night and still snowing now.

Joe's birthday.

Well my Joe is 15 today, makes me feel old. It felt funny as we had already bought him his present, a guitar, a little while back and any money he received he actually owed to us. But thats what he wanted so he was happy.

Quite an eventful day yesterday. I had lots of jobs to do, post office, Tesco and tidying up. It all felt a bit daunting. And, I had the Doctors first thing. Joe had the day off school, inset day. So he came with me. I did the post office first and that was easy. Tesco on the other hand was a nightmare, when we got there I'd forgotten my prescription so we had to go back home and get that. Getting the shopping in the trolley was ok, Joe and I went round slowly. Joe got irritated by me when I couldnt find stuff and it was right in front of me. I do still get a little panicky in there. I hate it! At the tills it was a nightmare. When it was our turn the girl said 'sorry no carrier bags' typical that I'd forgotten my own bags. I just stood there and stared at her. I had loads of shopping, how was we going to manage. She said, 'you can have a bag for life for 10p', I just continued to stare at her. She then said you can have two for 10p. So then I said 'well that will have to be then. I bought two and when the two were full I started to panic coz all that was left then were tiny little Tesco bags, why the hell did Tesco run out of bags? Probably not a problem to most people but I was really getting stressed by now, I was getting hot and the girl just kept pushing stuff through, I then said quite abruptly, 'if you go slower I can cope!' - 'I cant cope if you keep chucking it at me, and I have no more bags'. She wasnt very happy and not at all patient. Anyway I bought more bag for life bags. But I wasnt happy and it was so so stressful. Im not doing that again for a while.

Least we are no ok incase it snows bad.

Then I got home and I'd forgotten my tablets! So I had to go back to Tesco again to pick them up. I keep forgetting stuff, all the time!

John came home about seven, he was very very tired. I told him all about my Doctor visit and he didnt really react much. I then said to him quite abruptly, 'look I'm depressed' thats why Ive got the tablets. The kids were there at this moment. I said to them all, please have patience with me, Im not well and the Doctor is helping me. They all just look at me. They dont really know what to say. I got big anxiety attack then as John was really moody and I didnt feel he cared what I was saying. He said 'whats up now, you were ok just now'. I tried to explain it to him and he said that he was sorry, he had had a very bad day and was very very tired.

Then, we had a text from Joe's Dad to say that when Joe was very low at the weekend he had said to his Dad that he never does anything on his birthday. I showed John the text and it was like lighting a fuse to a bomb, John went mad! It's hurtful. I was very cross too. Every year we ask Joe what he would like to do for his birthday and he says can he have friends round and we do. We do a big tea and a cake and his friends all come round. He had said that every year Sam goes out for a meal, yes thats because thats what Sam likes to do, he doesnt have friends round, also Joe hates restaurants and never wants to eat out! Unbelievable arent they kids!!

Still we woke up this morning and celebrated Joe's birthday all sitting on my bed opening his cards. He seemed very happy this morning. It will be interesting what happens today as its his first day back and he will probably see Paige. Cant stop him seeing her at school.

I couldn't sleep last night. I watched a film on my iphone, shrek, I listened to an audio book, I read another book, I massaged my legs, I took painkillers, I just could not sleep. I eventually dropped off about 4.30. I think I may go back to sleep this morning for a nap.

Oscar

I was about to start writing today and this fella sat looking at me. So I thought I'd take a picture of him and show you. He is my constant companion. He listens and never answers back. He loves me unconditionally, well maybe he needs a walk and food, but mostly unconditionally. He understands when Im sad and he rests his head on my knee to let me know he is there. Hes been so brave having a huge operation and getting over it so well. I love my dog!

I went to the Docs this morning. I rang them from bed at 8.30 and they said there was an appointment at 9.10!!!! Well Ive never got ready so quick, did me good really as I would have just laid in bed all morning otherwise. She has given me anti-depressants, I told her everything. She told me that she specialises in Mental Health, so I have the right Doctor. She said she was proud of me of how I have dealt with the last week but it had obviously knocked me back. She said it took huge courage to go back to her today. I only went coz people nagged me to go. Im so glad I saw her though. I have to phone her on Friday and she will sign me off for another two weeks. My meds may take a couple of weeks to work and they might make me more anxious in the first few days of taking them.

I've got to get to Tesco to put the prescription in, I need to do some shopping but not sure if I can do it on my own. I might take Joe with me as he has the day off today. I really cant face it on my own. I also need to go to the post office as Ive sold a book on Amazon. Its quite alot for me to think about doing in one day. I think I will do the post office first then while Im in Tesco I havent got that to worry about. I worry about where Im going to park and whether there will be a queue or whether I'll see someone I know, I dont like seeing people out at the moment, I dont know why! One step at a time.

Thank you

Thank you so so much for all your comments yesterday, I have taken on board everything all of you have said. They all make very good sense. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. I might not have met you all but you really don't know how much I value all your opinions, I do think of you all very highly. Thank you, I'm sending my love and hugs to every one of you.

I've chatted with Paige's mum on the phone. I was shaking when I called her. But, everything was fine, she is calm now and so is her Dad. They didnt want me to send them the letters, they said just bin them. Of course, we are going to keep them. I said that I was scared of what might happen to Joe, she said not to worry and everything is fine. She said that she will deal with Paige. She also said thank you very much for letting her know. She said that one day may be, when they are older they could be together but for now they are much too young. I agreed. You won't believe the relief that this gave me, I'm still shaking from it now as I type this to you all. When I came off the phone I cried and cried, John held me and said how proud of me he was.

John and I had a big heart to heart this morning. It did us good to talk. We went for coffee in town and John agreed that I should go back to the Doctor tomorrow morning. He said how he had been feeling and I said how I had been feeling. We had lots of cuddles and we are going to work together. We had grown apart this last week and thats not good. (I agree with you Lynn, he has been suffering too and I couldnt see that!) I told John Im going to go on anti-depressants tomorrow and he said that he is worried it will affect the fostering. The fostering wont be for months yet and I know that we will be very good at it. We have got through a very difficult week and the Doctor had told me I needed meds and I got through it without them! Ive been hard on myself, but no more.

I feel more positive about the future. I have talked to Sam in depth, I'm working with him. Both my boys are good boys, we are just going through teenage stages.

John has problems with his 18 year old, James, James is on drugs and drinking and not working and being abusive to his mum. His mum talked to John on Friday and she is going to kick him out after Christmas. We dont blame her, he is nearly 19 and he has had so many chances of work but he turns them down. She has tried hard with him but he just wallows in his room all day, goes out at night, gets drunk and is abusive to her. He never pays her anything for his keep. He doesnt talk to John about it. We dont blame her for wanting to chuck him out.

I feel more positive today, the first thing I will do tomorrow is see the Doctor and tell her everything. I WILL go on them meds!

I finished Professor Layton last night! Now what am I going to do with my time. I'm going to try start reading again this week, even if its a little at a time. I'm going to make sure I take Oscar out every day. John said I should set myself a little task at a time and do them. I will.

Thank you again my lovely people.

can't snap out of it

I feel very low this morning, very low.

The morning started with John and I discussing the letters that Paige has sent to Joe. John had read them before I got up. We talked about the fact that we think Paige's parents should see the letters. John repeated how scared he is of this bloke coming round and breaking our legs. We have decided to tell Joe we have got letters but he is not to see them and explain to Joe what will happen if he makes contact with Joe. We then thought what about if Paige then gets upset with Joe and makes up stories to his Dad about Joe to get her own back. We don't know! So if we can find out their postal address from Joe we will post the letters to her Mum.

Then what I thought would be a nice relaxed morning turned into a nightmare for me. When John opened the fridge to get the milk out there was milk everywhere as the bottle had leaked. I got really cross and snappy with John about it and I actually treated him like he was a kid. When he tried to tidy up I snatched stuff away from him and said he wasn't doing it properly.

We then sat down for coffee and caught up with Emmerdale. John started talking about what tiles we should have for the bathroom and I paused the Emmerdale and said quite bluntly are we watching Emmerdale or discussing bathroom. I can't do both! So he shut up and we continued watching.

We usually go to Costa on a Saturday morning but John wants to suddenly start doing all the jobs that need doing in the house. Something I cant be doing with! He has said for years he will do stuff and has never got round to it. Now, suddenly he wants to do it this weekend.

I went up to get ready with the idea in my head that I would help John and go with him to B&Q and everything would be good. I was just finishing getting ready and he shouts up the stairs 'right Laine Chris and I are going up the tip now and then going to B&Q'. I immediately feel sorry for myself and want to cry. John comes up the stairs and says, 'what is wrong with you, you've been fine these last couple of days' I said ' I don't know whats wrong with me, I just feel really down'. So he said 'why don't you come with me and Chris' so I say 'I don't know if I want to come or not'. So he then said to me ' You've got to snap out of this now.' So I said 'I cant just snap out of it, you don't understand'. He said 'Well I don't know what to do anymore' and he left the house in a mood.

I cried and cried and cried. I don't want to be like this, I don't know why my moods suddenly change, I don't know why I make things hard for myself. If I knew I would do something about it. I feel sick. I feel unwanted, I feel that everything John is doing today is more important than me, I just want him to hold me and tell me things will be ok. Why the hell am I being so bloody stupid. Im ruining everything. Im making John feel low. Its all my fault! Im scared to show my feelings. I cry on my own. Because I dont want to worry anyone. No-one helps me.

Im going to phone the doctor first thing Monday morning. I need to see her again. Ill go on the anti-depressants and I wont tell anyone. Ill deal with this on my own. I have to. John has lost his patience with me now. I dont blame him. I'm just a miserable silly cow that wants her own way all the time.

Friday

Thank you for all your comments, I have been in constant contact with Sam today and he has said that his friends are going to help him give up smoking. Jane I think I made it sound like Sam is always out clubbing, he's not, he went to a gig last night at the Brighton Centre which he had had tickets for for his birthday, he went with a friend and his friend's Dad took them. He said he met someone at the gig who gave him the weed. He's not on drugs, at this moment in time I think he has only tried weed once and that was last night. I told him how stupid he was to take it off a stranger as it could be laced with anything! Sam only gets ten pounds a week, he was feeding his habit of smoking before by stealing out of my purse, which we found out recently.

Anyway, update on my youngest son Joe. He has gone to stay with his Dad for the weekend, not sure if I mentioned that! But I thought he could do with time with his Dad to try get over his broken heart. But ..... I got home today after a nice lunch out with my friend and on the door mat is a very bulky letter for Joe, hand delivered. I've opened it. It's Paige, she must have written him about three letters per day this week in the hope that she would see him at school but of course I kept him off school. They are such sad letters saying how much she loves him, saying that if she cant see him anymore she will put a gun to her head! She said she is sorry she put all the blame on him, she said that her Dad had beaten her, she has a bruise on her face and arm where he punched her! :0( She said that her parents are allowing her to see Joe at school and thats it. She says that they can get through it, he is her life and without him her life is not worth living. She said that when he smiles at her, her heart melts. It goes on and on its such deep writing for a 13 year old and oh so sad, it made me cry. I feel for her so so much. But we cant risk Joe seeing her, not with the violent Father she has.

I dont feel that Joe is safe even talking to her when her Dad is that violent. John said we must not let Joe see the letters or let Joe have anything to do with her. John said that when the Dad was on the phone to him the other night he gave John very violent threats, so violent that we would probably end up dead, all of us. That's what he was threatening. John said he hasnt told me the half of what he said. If he is prepared to punch his own daughter what the hell would he do to us? Its all too scary.

John is really low, he said he can't take anymore and he said he is worried about me on top of it all. He said that I life could be ruined by one violent man if Joe so much as looks at Paige. What do we do? Do I tell the Police? Was it just in his anger that this man said all these things. Would he really come and tear us limb from limb and make sure we were all dead! Did he really mean it?

Do I ring the Mother and please with her not to let her husband come and do us in? Do I tel lher that Paige has sent loads of love letters to Joe. We have kept our side of the bargain. I've kept Joe away from school. He hasnt been in touch with Paige.

I'm really scared now and at a loss as what to do.

Friday

My 17 year old, Sam, dropped another bombshell on me last night. He went to a concert and was offered weed and on his way home texted his friend to say 'do I smell of weed' and sent it to me instead of his friend. Talk about dropping yourself in it!

I was shocked, hurt and very disappointed! I really laid into him when he got home. I even threatened to chuck him out if he dared to take up smoking weed or even worse try harder drugs. That's always been my fear, that one day my boys may try weed then try something else and then so it goes on. All I can do is hope and pray that he doesnt get into drugs.

I was in a bit of a state but after a very welcoming message from a very dear friend, at a time when I felt very lonely, I felt better. Thank you my dear friend for being there when I was feeling very lonely and sad.

I've got to realise that Sam is being a normal teenager, he is doing what most 17 year olds do. He is going out partying, he is going to concerts, he is drinking sometimes, he is smoking and he has now tried weed. I dont approve of any of the things he has done lately but Ive got to be here for him when things go wrong, thats what parents do. Ive got to make sure he knows that he is loved and that he will always have a home. I shouldnt have told him I will chuck him out, thats a bit harsh. I regret that now. :0( I told him so, his reply was 'It's ok Mum, I needed a wake up call, I'm going to prove to you that I'm going to change.' I have to believe him, I have to support him, he's my son.

So my eldest son smokes weed! Great!

Thursday

I feel a bit low again today, my irritable bowel is painful and I didnt sleep too good last night, I was a bit restless. I had nightmares too, keep getting those!

It's strange this feeling. One day or minute I feel really good, then another I feel really frustrated and low and things just get on top of you. I'm having niggly arguments with John and he is all moody saying the house is a mess and that its got to be tidied up. I've been doing little bits and my intentions are to do more but I just dont get round to it. I think that is annoying him!

My friend took me out this morning and her husband gave her money for us to go have coffee, guess where we went? Yup Costa! hee hee. It was nice, but I was suffering a bit with pains in my tummy so I didnt enjoy it as much as I should of.

I havent eaten much today but I've prepared myself a nice dinner, Ive got roasted veg and chicken. It's funny how I can't eat during the day but I will eat dinner in the evening.

Joe is happier today, he is hoping to spend the weekend with his Dad but his Dad is moving tomorrow and might be too tired to come over to pick him up today as he has been packing all day. I think if his Dad does come it will be good for Joe. Joe's school is closed tomorrow and Monday so he has a nice long weekend.

Sam's being a good boy at the moment. He doesnt seem to be smoking as much, he said he would cut down and I believe he has.

John's daughter will be ringing tonight to tell us all about her trip to New York. She came back on Monday, she was there for 4 nights. She went on her own! Good for her I say. If she wants to do something she does it!

I wonder if we will get any snow, I know there is snow up North. We usually get it a few days after! I don't want it! It's nice the first day when everyone enjoys it, but then it's annoying when you can't get anywhere!

Wednesday

I have felt quite good today, not better, but good. I think it will take a while to get better. I went out to my friend's house and we went to her mum's who made a lovely stew and dumplings and had fruit cake for after. I really enjoyed it. It was good to get out.

Tomorrow Im out in the morning with my friend and neighbour Sally. We are going to go and have a mooch round the shops in town. Then in the afternoon, Jane from work, is coming to see me. So a full day tomorrow.

My friend from work, Pat, rang me this afternoon. Was so so nice to hear from her. Her and Jane are the only two that I have really gotten close too since working at the school. She cheered me up.

I'm hurting alot today. My sciatica is hurting and playing up today. Also I have quite bad stomach cramps and low back pain. At one point it was so bad I had to go and lay down to let it calm.

I've been playing my new DSi, Ive been playing Professor Layton 3, Im so addicted! Its the only thing I concentrate on for hours on end at the moment.

Joe has been wallowing in his sadness and broken heart. But he snapped out of it this evening when he had another lecture from me and John, then one from Sam, then his Dad called him. I think Joe realises now that we are telling him he cant see Paige for his own good and protection. I'm keeping him off school tomorrow too, he has an inset day Friday and Monday. So by Tuesday, which is his 15th birthday, he should be much better. He has eaten a little bit today so I'm pleased he is getting his appetite back. John and I have secured out laptops and not leaving anything around that can get him on the internet or give him access to Paige.

And Stuart I've bought more biscuits! :)

22:32

I'm in bed alone with just my thoughts and a thumping, thumping headache that Ive had all day.

I actually feel proud of myself that I have got through the day. Ive kept it together. I've looked after my boy, Ive cuddle him and told him I love him. Ive also told him off big time and told him how serious this whole thing is. He is being disciplined let me tell you. Ive told my Mum, Ive told my best friend. Thats it. No more! We move on.

I am slowly getting better but I'm not completely better. I am trying hard to do jobs. I start them but never finish them, thats just how I am at the moment. Im trying hard not to spend too much time wallowing in my own self-pity and I'm also going to try get myself to get up earlier and shower and get on with the day. Today I didnt get dressed til 1pm. Most days Im not dressed til about then. Its not good enough. Ive got to be more positive. I know this but its hard to do it!

I'm hoping this feeling will go away and that I dont need to have the tablets to make it go away. The doctor did offer them to me and I am very tempted at the moment. Anything to take this feeling away. But, Im going to try help myself get out of it.

I long to read a book again, I just can't concentrate for long enough. One step at a time though. I want to feel ok to laugh and smile and be happy, I just can't do that at the moment.

Tomorrow I have to get up because my friend wants me to help look after her baby whilst she has her hair done. Initially she said to me, come round and see me it will do you good. Then I realise that actually she wants me there to look after Bella. I do love Bella. She will make me smile, she will be one year old on Dec 18th. I think I should go. I'll see!

These last two days have been the hardest for a long time. But we are getting through. We havent heard from Paige's parents. We havent had anyone knocking on our door. Joe is safe because he is with me and Im not letting him out of my sight or John's sight til we feel its o.k.

I had to go pick up my neighbour's daughter from school today, Sally texted me this morning to say am I still able to. I nearly said no, for gods sake I'm ill. But then I decided I was being very silly and that having that to aim for was a good thing. Oh how little Livvy brightened up my day, she is ten years old. I picked her up and she chatted all the way home about her day, we had milkshakes together and chocolate and watched t.v. until her mum arrived to pick her up. Children really are a good medicine for bringing happiness into your life. I wish I was ten again!

We are nearly at the stage of the fostering process where we will be appointed an assessor and she will come round and chat to us and delve into our lives. I asked the doctor if I should carry on and she said of course, she said that I will make a brilliant foster parent. She said that I am strong and intelligent and that the very fact that I went to see her and am dealing with my problems shows that I can cope. I think a change of life is just what John and I need. We miss the children being little, we miss going out to zoos and parks and throwing bread to the ducks, that sort of thing. We need that back. Everything that has happened just lately is making us even stronger as a family, we have all talked alot and learnt alot of lessons. In a few months time when another little person enters our household we will all be ready and much wiser.

I held my baby boy in my arms,
I told him how much I loved him,
I told him how much everyone around him loves him,
I told him how proud I am of him,
How proud I am of him for getting 'A's in English,
How proud I am of him that he plays the guitar so beautifully,
How disappointed and angry I am but I'm not going to let anyone hurt him,
I told him we will protect him, love him and guide him through this difficult time.

He isnt crying anymore on the outside, he is playing his guitar and his music is crying, its beautiful music but so sad.

I just hope no-one hurts him, he isnt a boy that did this to brag or to hurt. He did it because he truly, truly loves her. How hard it is to be a teenager.

Its all a big mess.

Im sorry to have worried you all yesterday.

This has not been easy at all.

I think I told you all that we found out that Joe had slept with his girlfriend. He being nearly 15 and her 13 has not gone down too well with her parents as you can imagine.

I thought that the right thing to do was to inform her parents immediately as I could not harbour a secret like that about their daughter, thats just not right. John and I are quite liberal about these things, we do not condone under age sex though. I had spoken to Joe that he did realise that his girlfriend was very young and that he should not embark on any physical relationship with her whatsoever. I wasnt entirely happy that they were getting so close but I had warned him and her parents were trusting them both.

Anyway, I didnt have their phone number so I messaged Paige's mum on facebook.

She phoned me on Joe's mobile to ask what was going on. She said that Paige had sworn on her grandmother's grave, who she only lost 6 months ago, that she had not slept with Joe. I said well Im sorry they have and I felt that you should know before it went any further. Obviously she was devasted and upset.

About ten o'clock last night Paige's Dad rings me. He immediately starts with a threatening tone, I could not handle it and started shaking and crying and passed him on to John. He was obviously not happy to think that his baby girl had had sexual relations with Joe. But, of course, its all Joe's fault. She told her Dad that Joe had bribed her into doing it and that he would tell all his mates if she didnt. Thats a lie Joe didnt say that to her. He said that Joe had lied about his age. Joe had never told them how old he was. They could see by his prefect top what year he is in! He actually threatened to beat Joe up, a grown man wants to beat up a 14 year old! John said to him do you know you have threatened to beat up a child, and then he says to John I will come and do you over right now if you like! John kept very calm and kept reminding him gently that we had only wanted to do the right thing by telling him straight away. Then he would seem to calm down but then get very angry again. It was not nice at all. He demanded that Joe keep right away from Paige and that he is not to brag and if he finds out that Joe is bragging or goes near her again he will personally do Joe in! He proclaimed to have plenty of 'cousins' that could do the job for him! Oh what lovely people we have living in this world, does it all have to result to violence? He said to John I hope you have given him what for, and John said we deal with it in our way and violence is not our way. John said to him 'I assure you that Joe will be severely dealt with and that he will no how wrong it is'. Not enough for bullies though is it.

Imagine if we hadnt found out and her Dad found them out, my Joe would probably be in hospital bashed up. This is very serious and very very scary. All we can do now is stay low and make sure Joe is protected. Ive kept Joe home today, he is in absolute bits, he is heart broken, ashamed and very very empty. My baby! Im so so sad, Im so so frightened. It makes me feel physically sick!

I have de-activated Joe's facebook, Ive taken his mobile away from him, all for his own safety really. I havent deleted her mum off my facebook, I dont know what to do about that!

The Dad did threaten to go to the police, maybe thats better than him beating Joe up. Im now waiting anxiously for someone to bash my door down, or a policeman to knock on the door. My life feels like its falling to pieces! Not sure how much more I can handle. One positive is that I didnt have a panic attack, my anxiety never arose, its more like a very numb feeling, a sickening feeling of dread! I feel helpless and out of control. All I can do is keep cuddling my baby, he has a broken heart that needs mending.

Hate to see my baby heart broken :(

Monday

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I will relax and thank you Stuart for the hug. I will let you know how I'm feeling. Writing in here is quite a good therapy for me.

I went and met my friend for lunch, John urged me to go, he dropped me into town and I did my post and I met her and had lunch, it was lovely.

I was looking at my emails whilst I was out and noticed that Sam has gone over on his phone bill, by £22.00. This is not the only time he has gone over. I'm not happy as he has unlimited text and 200 free minutes. Instead of paying £10.00 Ive got to pay £32.00, nearly as much as I pay for my iPhone bill! So he now owes me £70. John will talk to him when Sam arrives home from college no doubt.

Another bombshell drops on me today. John picks me up from town and says right are you ready for this one, I didn't want to tell you til you'd been to Doctors and met Sue. Its about Joe! Oh no! What has he done! Anxiety just wells up inside of me! John says, 'I found a condom wrapper under the sofa last night'. Joe must have had sex with his girlfriend whilst we were at the theatre yesterday. So he had lied to me, he said he was going to meet her at her house. The girl has only just turned 13. I have sat Joe down and explained to him that he must not have underage sex, he is only 14, 15 on 30th November (if he lives that long!). 13!!!! 13 years old and what the hell will her mum say if she finds out. She really trusts Joe. Her Dad went mad and grounded her when he saw them just holding hands. What the hell will he do if he knows that they've been having sex! The positive of this is that he is using a condom! I hope in the right way, imagine if she gets pregnant! I know her Dad is quite volatile and he wouldn't think twice about sorting Joe out. Oh my! What do I do now? I know that we will have to watch Joe very closely and not let him be in the house alone. They will find somewhere to do it though, even if we stop them from being in the house alone.

Can I get off this roller coaster now please!

Jan, she didnt say what the burping was all about! But I have read that anxiety can play havoc on your digestive system, so maybe thats it.

Dcotor's

Ive been to the Doc and she has signed me off for another two weeks from today.

I do feel better now as that decision has been made. She said she was really pleased with my progress. She said that she can see that I am an intelligent woman, me? LOL, and that she can see that I am taking on board what she has asked me to do. However, she does think I am depressed and that I do have anxiety quite bad at the moment. She said that she could give me anti-depressants but I said I'll think about that as I'd have to be on them for six months and not come off. I'm not too sure I really need them. She said that if I was severely depressed she would urge me to take them but she said that I am depressed but not bad enough that I want to kill myself or anything like that, which is good. She did offer me counselling too which I can have if I feel the need. I'm not sure I want that at the moment, I did counselling once and it just made me feel worse quite frankly.

She said to keep writing things down and doing relaxing stuff.

Ive sent an email to work to explain it all. Thank goodness for email and I dont actually have to talk to work. I dont think I could do that. I felt very tearful coming out of the Doctors. I said to her that I felt like a fake and she said no you are very ill at the moment but you are coming through it and she said she was very proud of the way Im handling it. I told her that John looks like he cant understand me and she said that is very common, because people cant see a physical change in me they cant believe that Im ill. Thats the hardest thing to deal with as people expect you to be ok. John said to me, after I'd been to the Doctor, 'but you were ok yesterday!'. The doctor said to me yes you will get ok days but the problem hasnt gone and she said it will take months to get me back on track.

I asked her about the fostering and she said that in no way should I be worried about this affecting it at all. She said that I have dealt with this sensibly and she cant see a problem.

Phew! big Phew!

Sunday

Thanks for all your comments and support. Im trying not to worry too much. Sam's a good lad and Im sure we will get through this. Jane, Sam doesnt get EMA money, weve got to sort his money out and we are going to give him an invoice for the money he owes us, the money that he took.

We went to the theatre this afternoon, we saw a brilliant play called Skylight, written by David Hare. It was spellbinding, really good! If it comes to your local theatre I urge you to watch it. There was only a cast of three. It was about a girl who had been a mistress to a very successful business man and he suddenly came back into her life after three years, his son was also in the story. Brilliant! I felt good watching the play, I did feel a little anxious sometimes, I just wish I could relax and not worry about how long its going to be!

I bought a DSi today, Im really loving it. I sold my DS lite on Amazon for £85.00!! So I went up to Tesco with John and bought a DSi, £119.00, which came with Professor Layton 3 free! As I already have that game, which Im loving by the way, I then put the one I got for free on Amazon and sold it for £27!! So in the end I didnt have to pay much out for my new console. The new DSi has got more features on it than the DS Lite, it's got a camera on it!!!

Now, what do I need to say to the Doctor tomorrow,

Im still feeling anxious and really cant stop burping.
I feel tired.
My head feels all muzzy.
I feel strange!
I dont know what to say, I guess it will just come out when I see her!

I know one thing, Im worrying about everyone and everything!!!

Saturday

We spoke to Sam last night. (Jane he is 17) We spoke calmly to him, told him how disappointed we were. He was very sorry. It's hard to explain here what went on but we talked and talked. We let Joe talk too, after all Joe is as much part of this family as Sam and Sam needs to know how it affected him too (is it effected or affected?) anyway, Joe said that he was disappointed in him and that he couldnt believe he could still try to steal from me and know that he would be found out, especially when Mum is feeling ill at the moment and you can make her worse. At this point I broke down in tears. To hear my Joe speaking so sensibly and supportive of me was very touching. We asked Sam what he was going to do to try help himself get better, as we said to him he does have a problem and we all need to work together to get him better. He said that he needs to cut down the cigarettes and eventually try to give up.

Of course I had to tell his Dad, his Dad treats things differently to John and I, his Dad F'd and blinded at him down the phone, which I dont think is necessary but I cant stop what his Dad does.

Sam said he is going to try really hard to get a job so he can pay for his things (cigarettes) that he wants himself.

Im not going to hide my bag away, I want to trust him. I think that if he gets the urge to steal I'd rather it was from me than from outside the house. I will have a chat to Sam and see what he thinks. I'll ask him if he can trust himself me leaving my bag in the hallway still. John feels strongly about not changing what we do in the house. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

I got up this morning feeling better, had had a relaxing night's sleep, it was good to have spoken to Sam and got that out the way. As the morning went on though I felt anxious again, as we were getting ready to go to my Mum and Dad's it was horrible, the feeling just kept rising up and up. I dont know why as I had got up feeling fine.

I have felt like Im on another planet today, my arms have felt all heavy and my head has felt muzzy. It was lovely seeing my Mum and Dad. I was hoping my Mum would give me a cuddle but she didnt! She never ever does! :( We told them about Sam and they were disappointed and said that they thought we had dealt with it very well. My Dad gave me their pocket money and said to me, tell Sam that you are keeping it. I did'nt do that, I gave it to Sam hoping he would offer it to me but he didnt. Im hoping that he will try to pay me back one day.

Had some nice eats at my Mum and Dad's always nice eats there! And they gave us a lovely box of M&S choccies that we can eat tonight whilst watching X-Factor.

John is in a very funny mood, I think he is fed up with me again, thats how it feels. He is very tired. We had to drive into Brighton to drop Joe and his friends then we drove to my Mum and Dad's, had dinner with them then picked up Joe and his friends at 5.30. We didnt get home til just gone seven and then he had to go to Tesco. I said to him, dont go to Tesco as your tired and he said no Ive got to go as its the last day for the voucher for £7.00 off and we need the money right now! That makes me feel bad as Im off work at the moment and I wont be getting paid full pay. I think John thinks I should go back next week. I dont want to go back and then go back to where I started again! Im scared! I dont know what to think, I dont know what my head is going to do to me next! Im fed up burping like every five minutes! I cant wait to see the Doctor on Monday and see what she says as Im feeling anxious already.

Thanks for making me feel better with your comments everyone.

I havent checked spelling and that! It might be rubbish!

Friday

I wake up relaxed this morning as I know that John has taken care of the school run. I can't explain how much that helps me, not having to worry. I had found getting up in the mornings really hard. I find it hard getting myself motivated and ready let alone getting the boys up and taking them to school, college. So John has relieved me from that.

I lay in bed listening to my audio book last night, I found it hard to sleep but I must have slept as I kept waking up to different parts of the book. At one time though I did have to give in to my restlessness and put the light on and took some tablets. Once I was asleep I did sleep well. I will have to rewind my book tonight though.

I made myself shower and get dressed this morning instead of lounging in my dressing gown. I havent showered for a long time. It felt good! I dont know why I can never be bothered to get in shower. I always just have a quick wash.

John said to me I looked alot better this morning but he had some bad news for me that he didnt really want to burden me with but Sam has been taking money again and he had been in my bag again this morning. John had had a word with him on the way to college this morning and Sam admitted to it. Even though Sam knows Im ill at the moment he is still doing it! He never took the £10 out of my purse because I had written a note in my purse saying £10.00. John said he knew Sam had been in my bag as John had made sure my bag was fully done up and when he looked again the zip was open. Sam admitted that he took 20p from my purse. This hasnt done me much good, I wept when John told me. John said that he though I dealt with it much better than he imagined. Im not as bad as I was a couple of weeks ago as my medication has been increased now and that is controlling my anxiety. Its still there though I can feel it bubbling up inside and Im burping all the time!

We are going to sit Sam down when he comes in from college, Im dreading it! We are going to have Joe in on the conversation as well. Last time we protected Sam from having to confront Joe and his Dad. This time I think Joe should be involved and if Joe wants to say something he can. I feel that Joe should see that Sam is being punished and talked to for what he has done. I really dont know how to deal with this, he obviously has a problem and we need to get to the bottom of it. I will be telling his Dad after we have spoken to him. His Dad will not be happy, he will deal with it in a different way but thats out of my control.

Even though I felt brighter this morning Im not sure if Im ready to go back to work next week or not, I feel that I need to learn how to control my anxiety and stress. Im hoping the Doctor can help with that next week.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday

Slept in til 10am, I'd had a bit of a disturbed night, tossing and turning, waking up and not getting back to sleep.

John took the boys again so I didnt have to worry.

I felt so so tired when I woke up, I had such a back ache too.

My brother rang me. Just to put you in the picture, my brother suffers from anxiety disorder, he had quite a big breakdown a while back and he is better now but has to be careful. He has learnt to control it. He had therapy which he has recommended to me. He said that the things I was telling him was a mirror image of himself and that I should get help before things get worse. He said to me that I should suggest to my Doctor about CBT, Cognitive Behavour Therapy, think thats what its called. It was so good to talk to my brother, he said he feels so distant.

I went back to bed after talking to my brother, just so so tired. John was off work so he came in for a cuddle, which was nice as I really needed him to be close. We both slept until 2.30! Whoops!

At about 5.30 we went to Tesco to do the big shop, I was dreading it. I felt anxious the whole way round. I did it though! I felt pleased with myself. Couldnt have gone without John though.

Very tired now, feel achey. Looking forward to a relaxing evening. Just cooking dinner. Something easy, lasagne, just pop it in oven!

Im going to need your help bloggy people to write my bullet points for the Doctor. I'll start putting them on here and then decided what's best to tell the doctor.

Doctors

I phoned docs and tried to get in earlier, the earliest I can get in is Monday, better than waiting for Tuesday I suppose.

I know there is more I need to say to her but I dont know how. As soon as I go in there I clam up and I had written it all in my diary but she didnt read it properly! Im a bit concerned about the anxious feelings I have all the time.

Its good to talk about it, I feel that that is helping. But I still worry about stuff, about when shall I go back to work. That there is a school trip next week and if I dont go back I'm letting my little boys down. I promised them I'd be with them on that trip :0(.

There is so much I need to do.

I need to get back into reading, at the moment I cant concentrate to read for long. I was at a coffee shop today with a paper and I couldnt finish an article. Its hard to stay focused on one thing for long.

I need to get the spare room sorted out. So much washing there and so much junk you would not believe! Actually the whole house needs sorting.

I need to look after myself a bit better. I dont bother showering most mornings. I have a wash (Im not smelly!) but I dont look after myself like I used to.

I need to stop worrying about other people so much, I take on everyone's problems and have so many friends that need me. I cant do that anymore, not for a little while anyway.

I need to cuddle John more. He is being neglected and I do love him.

I need to stop worrying about my boys. I feel that Sam is lieing to me all the time and I dont trust him one bit.

Ive got to eat better. Ive not got the best appetite at the moment and I burp all the time! All the time! Its embarrassing!!

Ive got to walk more with Oscar and build his walking up so his leg gets better. He is getting better bless him and his walks can increase now.

Basically Ive got to stop worrying and as Ma says Ive got to start looking at the positives!

Yes that's what I'll do.

Jane says:
Does your doctor think you're suffering from clinical depression Lainey? Or perhaps you can trace the source to something which has happened in your life?

My answer is: Jane I honestly dont know. My Doctor hasnt actually said that Im suffering from depression yet. At the moment I'd say it could be either. Thank you so much for you concern and warm wishes.

Stuart says:

It's good to let it out, well done you!
I hope John begins to understand, it can take a while.
Hugs as always and thanks for the email

My answer is: Thank you Stuart, your comments mean the world to me. You made me realise how hard it has actually been to admit there is something wrong, Ive been bottling it up for ages. The mask I normall wear has actually been taken off and I can no longer hide behind it. I'm not willing to wear it again! I'm telling everyone I need help, I cant cope anymore. John is beginning to understand, he said to me today that he thinks I'm like a 'stick' a stick can be bent so much until it eventually snaps, he told my boys this morning that my stick is very bent and near snapping point, he said that they need to help me so that the stick doesnt snap. It felt good to think that John is understanding me, I dont think he can fully understand but he is being very supportive. I wish this feeling of anxiety would go away, its like I'm permanently worried about something. Its horrible.

Ally says: Lainey I don't think your trip to see the Doctor really helped you ~ you should have told her you had been trying those techniques for years ~ I hope John soon understands what is going on with you and gives you the time you so deserve ~ Ally x

Answer to Ally: Thank you Ally for caring about me, this helps me. I agree the doctor didnt really address the situation, I've had trouble sleeping for years. I wish I had told her that I'd been trying for years, I just sat there really not saying much. John is beginning to understand and he is giving me lots of cuddles, I'm not very good at giving the love back at the moment but it will come. I am having time-out Ally, at the moment I'm due to go back to work next Tuesday but I dont think I can, I think I need more time. Yesterday I went to Asda and had quite a panic attack, this morning it made my nerves bad just driving the car to the garage.

Sara Sara says:Awful that you're going through this Lainey. Wishing you all the quiet time and rest that you need. Thinking of you hon xxx

Answer to Sara Sara: Thank you Sara Sara its so comforting to know you are there. It does feel awful at the moment and Im trying to feel better. I am having lots of quiet time and John let me sleep this morning whilst he took the boys to college and school, it helped not having to get up. I didnt set my alarm and I slept til 11.00am, the best Ive slept for ages, maybe it was because I knew no-one was depending on me and I was able to be left totally in my world. John isnt sleeping in the bedroom with me at the moment, he is sleeping downstairs with Oscar as Oscar is unable to climb the stairs. John said that even though Oscar might be ok on his own, John thinks its best that I have the room to myself, this helps alot because if I cant sleep I cant put the light on and I can do what I want without the worry of waking John up. It also gives me my time and my space. I have my DS, my laptop, my books and all my nice things that cheer me up and keep me busy when Im feeling low in the middle of the night.

Ma Says:

It is good that you've got some positive things in your life and those are the things that will get you through it all. Try to take those positive thoughts and keep focused on them. Don't dwell on the negative as that will only bring you down. I'm always looking for a Bright Side of things. Take good care and rest!

My answer is: Thank you Ma, I will take good care and I am resting. It's really helped me to write this blog and have people's thoughts on my situation coming in. I might not fully take in what everyone says right away but I am reading them and at some point they will trigger in my brain. I hear what you are saying about positive thoughts and I am trying hard to be positive about everything. Before I felt ill I was the one telling everyone to be positive, I had a carefree attitude and nothing would get me down, and them bam!! my feelings suddenly change and I find the whole life thing very scary indeed and find myself not coping. I am everyday trying to find a positive, this morning's positive was that I'm lucky to have a man that works from home and he took me out for coffee and we just chilled out, drinking coffee and reading papers. You are right I am dwelling on negatives far, far too much, I cant help it and I need to get out of that, it just seems I have too many negatives in my life at the moment.

Thank you all so much for your comments. They all mean so much to me and are helping me more than you will know.

time to rest

10:00am

Doctor's appointment. Was sitting in waiting room feeling very anxious. Two ladies were talking to me. I didnt really hear what they were saying, I nodded and smiled. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I was busy thinking about what the Doctor would say.

The Doctor, Dr Kucher, is so so nice. She welcomes me with a warm smile and asks me to take a seat. She asks how I am and it all comes out. She read my diary. Well scanned it. I wouldnt expect her to read it all it would take hours! Bit like a novel of my thoughts! I told her I was blogging again and she said that was brilliant. She said that I looked much better than last week. She was pleased to see some positives in my diary.

She said she wants me to try techniques for getting to sleep, like reading a book, having a bath, watching a film and relaxing. Now I wasnt about to tell her that for the last ten or so years Ive tried all those things! Even taking tablets havent helped in the past. If my mind is racing, its racing. My mind wont let me watch a film and read a book. My mind wont let me stay in a bath coz I dont like it for too long! I just nodded and smiled. She said that I had to self-certificate myself off work to start with then she will sign me off as need be when I next see her. Im signed off til Tuesday. I see her again on Tuesday and then I will phone work and let them know how I am. Im not ready to go back to work yet.

15:30

I get home from picking my friend's little girl up from school and there is a boquet of flowers at my door. Someone from work had left it there for me. There was a card too. It said that they were all thinking about me and hoped I'd be back soon. Typical that I was out when someone came by. They probably think Im fake! Anyway I emailed them my thanks and said I was up at Tesco picking up my meds. (Which reminds me, I havent picked my packet up yet. One thing I forgot to ask the Doc is when I can up my meds. Last time I upped them after a week.

17:00

Having snooze on sofa. Text message wakes me up. Joe: 'Can you pick me up please'. Why does it always happen when your resting! So up I jump. Get ready and go get Joe. I pick him up from Asda entrance and seeing as I was there I thought I'd get some milk. Well it turns into a bit of an expedition and as the store only opened yesterday there are teething problems and we got caught up in the wrong till with problems! I got very panicky and anxious. I could feel the feeling rising and rising it was horrible. I really dont think Im ready for taking myself shopping yet! That was a bit ambitious!

18:25

John rings. He is stuck in traffic. He is very very tired. I tell him how I feel and he says oh dear that is not right and is a bit cross with me for trying to do too much. Dont blame him really. It seems its a good job I havent gone back to work yet then! John warns me that when he gets in the door he will have to go chill out upstairs for a bit, in other words he wont want me going on and on when he gets in! I think I get the message!

Ive got a questionnaire thing to fill out from the Doctor about being depressed, after looking at it I think I am!

Monday 19:15

Butterflies like you wouldn’t believe. Feel very strange, empty and just not right.

21:43

Have felt strange and anxious all evening. I wish this anxious feeling would go away. Keep burping all the time too. Its horrible. John away tonight. I don’t like him being away.

My Joe is in bits this evening. Had a disagreement with his girlfriend. Its all far too intense and he takes things to heart. He got himself in such a state and Im the only one here to deal with it. John not here. Its hard.

My leg hurts, dull aches. Absolutely shattered so I hope I sleep better tonight.


Tuesday 07:16

Very very tired, I wish I could wake up feeling refreshed. I just don’t want to wake up. I could sleep forever. I did sleep better last night, although it still takes me ages to get to sleep. But once I was asleep I didn’t wake up.

My head is muzzy, my tummy feels empty and I keep burping but I don’t want to eat. I have a heavy period, I really need to sort my coil out but never get round to making an appointment. When I get back from the doctors today I want to get back in bed and sleep.

What I want is to wake up not feeling empty, wake up eager to start the day.

I ran out of time as usual! Its so hard getting up getting motivated. Getting the boys motivated, sorting out the dog. Then Sam couldn’t find a t.shirt. I feel bad as all the clothes are just in a heap in the spare room. I wash them, dry them and then do nothing with them, I really must sort it out! There is so much to do before a foster child arrives, the spare room needs clearing out. John said that if we were further down the line I could give up work so I could get house ready. I wish we knew. I wish I had a simple job like a checkout girl at Asda, in a bright green shirt!

I got flustered in the car as it was all iced up and I was trying to clear it and then Sam turns radio up and I snap at him. All because Im anxious about what Im going to say at the Doctors today. I wish I could just be calm, get all the jobs done in the house, read a lot, go for a long walk. Be me, do something for me!

Big Sigh

I seem to do alot of sighing lately! Ive done a lot of that today.

Ive had a good day, my friend Joe rang me this morning. It was him I went to last week after my Doctor vist as Joe lives right opposite the Doctors! Very convenient for tea and chat!

He said that he wanted to take me out to cheer me up. So off we went to our brand spanking new Asda, opened today! I thought it was going to be chaos and I thought I wouldnt be able to hack it but it was really good. We found a parking spot and we got round the shop not too bad, although it was very very busy. I did feel a bit flustered sometimes and anxious but I was ok. We finished our shopping at 12.00 so Joe suggested we went out to lunch. He treated me :0) (Huge smiley face). It was lovely as we could have a really good chat. It helped me such a lot. Joe is such a good friend always there when you need him.

I got home about one and then at 2.30 my friend from work, Jane, came to take me into town so I could bank a cheque. We had coffee in Costa :0)!!! Even bigger smiley face!! I had a lovely Latte and a lovely Lemon cupcake. We chatted and I felt better. She said work were ok about me being off. Everyone understands.

I feel very apprehensive about going to the Doctors tomorrow. Quite scared in a way. I don't want her to say Ive got to go back to work. Im not ready yet. Im not strong enough. Things make me want to cry, Im nervous. Im not very strong at the moment.

The thing is I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Ive been out, Ive chatted, Ive laughed, I have to get on with stuff, housework, kids so why shouldnt I go back to work?

Thank you all for your comments, its so lovely to be welcomed back. I abandoned you for so long and yet your all here to welcome me and comfort me with your kinds words. Thank you.

Depressed?

Ive decided to write my blog again, I went to the Doctors last week. Ive not had a very good time of it lately. I had high blood pressure and the doctor could see I was very anxious. Ive had alot of anxiety lately, every day! My Doctor asked me to keep a feelings diary. Here is a excerpt from it to give you an idea how I am at the moment.

Ive got really bad indigestion and I keep burping. Im feeling tired now so I think I will sleep. Ive just been chatting to my friend on facebook. I told her that Im feeling scared and axious but I don’t know why. I told her that I am scared that the doctor will say go back to work on Wednesday, I think part of the reason I feel a little better today is because I know I haven’t got to go to work tomorrow. Im going to do a list of all the things that I feel are contributing to how I feel.

• Not sleeping, 3 hours most nights.
• The pain and the discomfort of the sciatica. I’m fed up with it. I want to be normal. Im 45 and I feel like flippin 65. I walk with a limp. I hurt a lot. I cant do things I used to. I hate the pins and needles in my toes. I want my foot to be normal.
• Im worried about the pending spinal probe Ive got to have done. I want to be better.
• I worry about John as he works so hard.
• Im tired all the time! All the time!
• I worry about Sam because he has stolen from my purse on several occasions and even after confronting him and him owning up he has done it again. I worry about what he is getting up to.
• I worry how I will cope at work with lack of sleep. The boys I work with are very demanding, even though the teacher is very supportive and it’s a lovely school. The two boys have become a bit close to me and they fight over me for my attention. One of them behaves badly and its hard. Its hard to give them both attention and I worry that Im not doing a good job. I feel I have the most difficult job and I envy the other staff. When I get ready for work in the mornings I feel really empty and weird, anxious I suppose. I think if I wasn’t suffering with this sciatica I would be able to cope. I don’t feel like I can cope with it at the moment. Last week at work was hard. May be its because I came off the tablets too quick and once the tablets start to work again and settle Ill be alright,
• I feel relieved at the moment as I don’t have to go to work. The doctor has told me not to for now. That helps me to think, good I can try get my back sorted and my sleeping sorted. Then maybe I can face it again when Im better.
• I cant concentrate on things at the moment. I don’t listen to John properly. I never ever finish a book. Im not wanting to go out and see friends as much as I used to. I like to just be with my family.
• Applying to be foster parents is taking such a long time. I long to be at home and welcoming a child into our home. Giving them my love and attention. It will be different to working in a school. At home I will be able to set my own rules, play games, go out and help the child more.
• I retch in the mornings and feel sick.
• I keep burping all the time and Ive lost my appetite.
• My patience isn’t so good, Im really irritable and snappy at odd things like John crunching crisps right next to me. I cant stand it!
• I feel empty. I want to feel happy.

Just did a test online and it says Im clinically depressed. I wouldn’t want to say that I am. That’s like not me! Im a happy person. The person everyone relies on! Maybe that’s the trouble. Too many people need me. I need to look after myself for once.

Am I depressed? I dont know.

John said that he felt I looked better this morning. John is going away tonight. He has gone already. I didnt want him to go, I need him at the moment. He said sorry if he doesnt seem sympathetic but he has lots of problems of his own with work. I said 'but I need you', he did give me a cuddle but he isnt there for me. He thinks I can just go back to work Wednesday, having had a few days off week and everything will be fine, I'll be that person again that everyone relies on. The person that never gets stressed, listens to everyone's problems, looks after everyone's kids, never says no! I cant be that person anymore, Im not super woman!!!

:( sad!

Thursday

This picture is of the garden we have at our school. The older children get to play in it in the morning and the younger children, who Im with, get to play in it at lunch time. I was standing in the staff room today, looking out the window, having my cup of tea, and though, oooh I will take a photo of the lovely garden and show my bloggy peoples! Do you see our willow man and our willow dragon? Lovely willow making peoples came in and did this with the children. Its a very special place. I will try take some more pics of our school to show you again soon.

John is still waiting to find out if he definately has a job or not. They have made him an offer but they havent confirmed every detail yet.

My back is still giving me trouble and Im rather fed up with it now! hmmmph! I didnt sleep very well last night. I was up at 2am and fell asleep rather awkwardely (oooh how do you spell that?) on the sofa! That does not help the back situation when I fall asleep like that. Amazing how then when you go lay back in bed, ping! your eyes are wide open again! Grrrrr

Sports day at school tomorrow, well its not at the school, its being held at the village recreation ground. The school doesnt have a field big enough, well the school doesnt have a field! It starts at 9.30 and the parents will bring all the children so we just have to turn up there. Then at lunchtime the children go with their parents for a picnic and we get to go home! So an early day for me! yay!

Im really excited! John and I have decided, after a long, long time of thinking about it, that we would like to be foster parents. We have made investigations and have applied to an agency. It takes about six months before you can be accepted and take on foster children. We might even decide not to do it. We need to find out alot about it, meet our social worker, do training etc., etc., It also means that I will have to give up work. I have thought long and hard about this. I get very frustrated at work because I am restricted by school rules and politics. When I think to myself, oooh my child with autism needs to have a five minute run with me out in the playground, it has to stay as a thought, I can't decide to do things like that, I should be able to, I am his INA, I am with him everyday. But, it's never possible for me to do the things that I know he wants to do, that I know will help him. They wont let me treat him differently because he has to fit in! I frustrates me immensely! There is so much that frustrates me! I also hate the clicky ness of the staff. I have been there since October and I still feel that I dont really fit in, I fit in with the kids. The kids love me! In fact today I had nearly the whole school on the playground doing sticker books with me. Theyve all started bringing sticker books in and the idea is to trade stickers. They kept saying to me, Mrs Sayers why dont you bring a book in, so I did!! In fact, I actually really love my sticker book! hee hee!! I dont think the other staff like it. Its hard to explain, I love my job, I would love it even better if it was just me and the kids, we can do without adults!

Anyway, Im gonna go now coz Ive said loads and your probably very bored now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I love my man very muchly! :0)

Monday

This weekend John took me away. It was lovely. We took Oscar. Just one night but it was just so nice to chill out. Here are some pictures;

This is the hotel, it was a lovely hotel right on The River Thames, its called The Shillingford Bridge Hotel,





This was our room, No. 50! I liked our room! It was like a little apartment really. We had a lovely view across to the river.






This is the view we had. It was so peaceful and lovely! Oscar loved it too!







Here he is, my lovely Oscar. He was such a good boy. I cant believe how well he settle in to a place. After only being there a few hours he knew the way back to our room. On the last day, after we checked out, we were trying to get Oscar into the back of the car and he was trying to pull us back up the steps to our room, awwwwwwwwwwww!!! He didnt want to go! Nor did we!

One night isnt really enough but its better than none! It was so so nice to get away, just the three of us. John, me and that lovely doggy. Its so good to find hotels that take doggies!


This is John on the boardwalk which led to a Lock at Henley. Oscar was not liking this bridge! He was sooooo scared he was shaking. After John and I had done this walk along The Thames we sat outside a lovely pub and had lunch. It was lovely and sunny and warm but as soon as I mentioned it on my Facebook status it started to rain! Typical! But it was rather nice sitting snuggled up under the umbrella.

I'll post again tomorrow. I'm in a good mood again after looking back on my weekend pics. So Im not going to spoil by telling you about today. Ill save that for tomorrow.

Laine xxxxx

Tuesday

Still in pain! When will the pain go? Not happy about that! I really thought that it would all go away! Silly me! Its still early though, Its a week today that I had the injections.

Its a year today that my mum had her operation to remove the cancer from her bowel. She goes for a CT scan next week to make sure there are no more cancers! Its good that they keep such a close eye on people when they have had cancer. I just hope and pray they dont find anything.

The kids as school today were a bit hardwork! There seemed to be incident after incident! It was hard going! But you deal with it. You start to wonder why you are doing the job then a little one will turn round and make you smile. Such little things make me smile, watching a four year old being able to skip for the first time, watching a four year old do her zip up on her own for the first time, helping an 10 year old understand the question on their test paper, hearing a four year old say; "I'm drunk Mrs Sayers!". Or "Mrs Sayers my guinea pigs keep humping each other, they do it every day!" Oh, the innocence of childhood. How lucky am I to have the privilege to work with these wonderful children. Even when they are fighting! GRRRR LOL.

I went to see my god-daughter this evening. It was her birthday last Friday. I visited her on her birthday, of course, but her present was delayed in the post so I delivered it to her tonight. Its a heart shape pin board for her bedroom, its covered in pink gingham and pink elastic so she can put all her photos and stuff on it. She was so pleased and I got to have lots of cuddles with her. It was a really nice evening spent with her and her mummy. The three of us did window shopping on the internet looking at lovely dresses and girly things! Thats nice for me as I live in a house full of boys!

Church tomorrow morning. I love going to church on a Wednesday morning with the children. Such a beautiful pretty church and the children are always so good.

John should hopefully get a job offer through the post by Friday. Fingers crossed that the salary is ok! He is enjoying not working at the moment. Lots of jobs to do round the house. If he accepts the new job he will have to start straight away so he is making the most of freedom!

Right time to get ready for bed and go read my book.

Monday

Well it was back to work today for me. It felt strange. I had to get my school head back on, that always takes a while. It was lovely to see the children again. The little boy I look after who has autism said to me, 'you've been away a long time Mrs Sayers'. He said it in a very thoughtful way. He gave me a big smile when he saw me so I think he missed me! That made me smile!

The T.A. who works in the class never said one word to me today. Not one! I've tried to be friendly but Im not going to try anymore. She isnt nasty to me, she just doesnt talk to me unless she has to. On rare occasions she might speak to me but this is very rare. I dont let it bother me at all. I really, really dont want her to be friendly if she doesnt like me. I'd rather she just stays as she is. Ive learnt so much through the years. What once used to bother, bothers me no more! Its a good feeling actually.

John and I have just come back from a beautiful walk in our lovely park. We sat in the sun for ages. We met so many people with their doggies. I love meeting people and discussing doggy antics.

Anyone watching Over the Rainbow? Im totally hooked! I cry every week when the girl who is not going to be Dorothy flies off on the moon! Awwwwww!

Anyway, I must go and sort tea out. Hope you are all well.

Update on my back. No improvement as yet! :(

Laine xxxx

Saturday

Well I still have no affect from those injections! Time will tell I spose! Im feeling better though. Not so tired. I had quite a funny week, wierd funny, because of the hospital and feeling so tired. Because of John's job. Bleh to that week - tis gone now! Welcome new week! :0)

New week I go back to work. New week I see if the injections have worked or not! New week Im gonna smile alot and not be a misery and try not to be tired!

John and I are off to Eastbourne tomorrow for shopping. I have lost alot of weight lately - 18 pounds infact! Whoooooo!!! So now I can fit into a 12, I used to be a 16! Thats UK 12 by the way! I say it again, UK12!!! hee hee!!! Anyways, I need to lose another 6 pounds coz the 12, even though it fits, is a little tight. Im inbetween! A 14 is far too big! So Ive got to not eat any galaxy or be tempted to put galaxy into my banana sandwiches and then toast them! ;0) John has decided we have takeaway tonight! Hmmmm not good! But I will just eat what I want and not go over the top. A little naughtiness is ok!

Thank you for all your lovely comments! I do love to see them and they do mean alot to me.

So John is now out of work. How strange does that feel. At the moment it feels no different, plus he still gets a wage at the end of this month. He is waiting a job offer through the post from another company, but they are beginning to worry us as they are so slap dash and never ring back when John calls.

My Sammy Sam has got into Sixth Form! So proud of him! We went for the interview just before my hospital thing, cant remember when now! But Im sure I havent told you all about it. Anyway, he wasnt happy with his place at Bexhill College and the course he wanted at Hastings brand new shiny college isnt being run! tut tut! So we rang William Parker Sports College, who have a fabby little sixth form, and Sam had an interview and he has got in unconditionally!!! He is so so happy! He is going to do a Diploma in Music Technology, ICT A Level, Media and Sports. One happy Sam!!! Phew!

Sam and Joe both passed their guitar exams. Sam Grade 3 and Joe grade 4. Im giving them a rest for a bit and they will start again in September. Sam might even be able to do some grades at college.

Have a lovely weekend and I will write again soon.
Laine xxxx